Identifying Barriers to Rebuild the Marriage

There are plenty of couples who decide to stay together after infidelity and make the marriage work. But making the decision to do so is different from actually doing it, and most couples find themselves having a hard time moving forward.

Where the marriage will go after infidelity and how it will get there depends greatly on you and your partner’s individual emotional and cognitive barriers. These barriers could range from a simple case of a fear of being rejected or ridiculed, especially on the offender’s side, to a number of other issues you could be going through but are too afraid to share.

If you find yourself having difficulty in moving forward from infidelity, try this exercise and list down the barriers you think are keeping you from moving on. Identifying these barriers are a good way to finding out what specific concerns you are having issues with, and it will take you a step closer to rebuilding your marriage.

Share this list with your partner and tell him or her to the exercise as well. Being able to open up with your partner about whatever barriers or issues you are having is a great way to start fixing your problems and your marriage. Doing this with your partner will lead to a lot of progress in the long run.

Do I Really Want to Stay in the Marriage After Infidelity?

Most people who discover that their partners are having, or used to have, an extramarital affair have a hard time deciding between staying in the marriage or leaving. Different people have reasons for staying or leaving.

The following are some of these reasons. Read on to see if any of these apply to you, and take some time to reflect on your situation.

Do I really want to stay in the marriage or…?

1. Am I afraid that I won’t be capable of getting out of the marriage? Am I scared of starting over? Of doing it all on my own? Will I be able to survive without my partner?

2. Am I doing it because I feel like my partner needs me? Maybe if I leave, he won’t be able to cope and will only get worse. Am I just staying to make things easier for him?

3. Am I afraid of what he might do? What if I confront him and tell him I’m leaving, and he hurts me? Or worse, what if he hurts the children?

4. Have I forgotten to think about myself? Have I forgotten about my wants and needs because of every other responsibility that I have to face? What are the hopes and desires and dreams I have that have nothing to with my partner?

Healing From Infidelity: How to Deal With Someone Going Through an Affair Crisis

What can you do to help someone who is the middle of an affair crisis? The following are a few things that are from people who have gone through this experience, and may help you help someone going through an affair crisis:

1. I’d really like to be able to talk about what I’m feeling openly and without censor. I’d like to be able to say how overwhelming my pain or my guilt is, to talk about what I’m going through, because I don’t want to keep things bottled up inside me.

2. I want to be left alone to go through what’s happened and process things by myself. I don’t want people pestering me about what I should do or how I should handle things. I want to be able to make decisions by myself without feeling that I have to do oblige what other people think I should do.

3. If you’re going to ask me how I am, I want to be able to answer it truthfully. I don’t want to be asked that in passing, when I can’t say how I really am doing. I want to be able to have time to mull it over so I can say how I really am.

4. I want to be understood. I want people to accept that I’m unsure of what to do and what I want to do, of how I feel and what I want to happen. I want you to be able to just be there for me even if I don’t make any sense.

5. And most importantly, I want to know that I am okay. I want to be accepted and validated by the people around me.