Infidelity Testimonials: Focusing on Getting Better After Infidelity

May 10, 2012 by 1 Comment

The following is a recap of an actual coaching session between Dr. Huizenga and a client who is going through an extramarital affair crisis.

This is what the client had to say about her situation with her husband who had had an affair:

My husband said that he wanted a divorce after I’d found out about his affair. He didn’t even really talk to me about it. He never gave me details of how it began and why it happened in the first place. He just left one day and didn’t so much as see me for over a month. I was absolutely crushed, thinking that my family –with our two children, who are seven and 18 months old, and our nephew who we take care of – was destroyed, and I am all they have left. Or at least that’s what it felt like. I know the affair wasn’t my fault and I had nothing to do with why it happened to begin with, so I just try to always focus on the positive and think of ways that I can myself better.

His affair happened while he was on active duty to support the war. He became involved with a married woman after he’d told her that he was divorced and that his wife left him. I think that’s why it hurt more — that he lied about our family and our marriage. Our family and friends were very much surprised over what happened, and clearly I am as well, but I am grateful that they are here to support me and I have to say that am stronger for it.

After hearing her situation, she asked what she can do to help herself move forward with her life and become stronger as an individual. Here are some of the suggestions that Dr. Huizenga gave her to work on:

1. Keep on working on self-improvement goals. Get a pen and paper and make a list of the things you want to achieve for yourself. Writing it down helps to make it more of a commitment and you will be able to track which ones you’ve already achieved.

2. Allow yourself time to grieve the loss of your marriage and the life you had with your husband. As important as it is for you to move forward with your life, there’s nothing wrong with taking a little break from time to time to remember that a relationship that was  once near and dear to your heart is no longer there.

3. Create a journal of your internal dialogue, focusing on the part of you that has negative thoughts and reflecting on what it is you think that this part of you wants. Understanding yourself — what you’re feeling and thinking — will be very helpful to you in making decisions for your future.

4. Continue leaning on your support system. The people around you will be the ones who will help pull you through this tough time in your life. Do not be afraid to depend on them every once in a while.

Going through an infidelity crisis is never easy, and you should be able to get all the help and support that you can. So do not be afraid to ask for it, especially when you are at a loss as to what to do next.

Filed Under: After the Affair, Confronting the Other Person, Infidelity and Tolerations, Infidelity Coaching, Infidelity Decisions, Infidelity Fears, Infidelity Help, Infidelity Impact, Infidelity Q&A, Infidelity Testimonials, Personal stuff, Recovery From Infidelity, Relationships: Marriage, Surviving Infidelity Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Infidelity Pain: Controlling Your Feelings Amidst an Affair Crisis

May 8, 2012 by 1 Comment

It’s never easy to control your feelings of infidelity pain when you discover that your partner is, or was, involved in an extramarital affair. Most of the time, you feel out of control and all over the place, and you never really know what you’re going to feel the next minute. This is one of the techniques that could help you in controlling your feelings.

First, get a timer of some kind, a notebook and a pen, and whenever you start having intense feelings or thoughts about your situation, find a quiet place where you can be alone. Next, set the timer for two minutes. In those two minutes, write down everything you are feeling and thinking. Don’t leave anything out. Let it all come out of you. When you feel pain or any kind of emotion, write it down – how painful it is, where it hurts and what triggers the pain. Don’t worry about the things you write. Just write all of it down. It is up to you what you do with what you wrote. You can shred it, burn it or throw it away. You decide.

When the two minutes are done, set aside the pen and notebook and say to yourself, “Alright, its time to set aside any feelings and thoughts for now, and focus on other responsibilities. There will be time for you later.” Whenever you start feeling this way again, repeat the whole process.

Although this technique may not be for you, or if you see that it isn’t something you see yourself doing or you aren’t comfortable doing it, you don’t have to worry. It is perfectly okay and is nothing to fret about. There are plenty of other techniques that you find from different books or other relationship blogs that you can try. Just because this particular exercise doesn’t work well for you like it does for others, it doesn’t mean that every exercise won’t work. Be patient in trying to look for a technique that works, or better yet, you can develop one yourself.

 

Filed Under: After the Affair, Infidelity and Tolerations, Infidelity Coaching, Infidelity Decisions, Infidelity Fears, Infidelity Help, Infidelity Impact, Personal stuff, Recovery From Infidelity, Relationships: Marriage, Surviving Infidelity Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Marriage After Infidelity: When Working on the Relationship Is Not Working

April 24, 2012 by 3 Comments

Rebuilding a marriage after infidelity is never easy, and couples who are in a “polarized” relationship, where one needs to talk things through and the other just wants to move on, are faced with the added problem of having to deal with this barrier of not being able to communicate. Communication is one of the biggest tools that you need when rebuilding a marriage after infidelity.

The following are some of the other common issues that “polarized” couples have to deal with:

1. Usually, one or even both of the partners feel the need to kind of sacrifice their needs for the other because they want to be able to make their partner happy. This only really works for a little while because having to set aside one’s personal needs for a long period of time eventually causes resentment and anger. You might see it as admirable that you are setting your needs aside for you to be able to cater to your partner, but it is actually cowardly. Having the courage to ask, not demand, for your needs to be met will come a long way in restoring respect and trust in your marriage.

2. Also, the couple sometimes takes for granted the opportunity to really look into their issues, take them apart and try to fix them. They tend to have a let’s-start-over attitude about the whole thing and ignore their problems instead of finding solutions to get through them. Although it is easier to “leave the past in the past” and forget everything that’s happened, there is no guarantee that those issues won’t resurface after some time. In fact, they most definitely will sooner or later. So it is much more beneficial for your relationship to dig into those issues and face them as soon as you are able.

3. And lastly, what occurs in most instances is that after the initial efforts made in working on the relationship, the couple reverts back to their old ways and loses the progress they make. They go back to the way they used to be – how they acted, talked and treated each other in the past becomes the norm once again. This is a crucial part in rebuilding a marriage after infidelity — to maintain the progress and the changes  that you’ve made. And it takes real, conscious effort — at least for a certain time — for you to really be able to make those changes a part of your routine and a part of your life.

Filed Under: After the Affair, Infidelity and Tolerations, Infidelity Coaching, Infidelity Decisions, Infidelity Fears, Infidelity Help, Infidelity Impact, Infidelity Statistics and Tidbits, Marriage Makeover, Personal stuff, Recovery From Infidelity, Relationship Tips, Relationships: Marriage, Surviving Infidelity Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , ,
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