Identifying Barriers to Rebuild the Marriage

March 27, 2012 by 1 Comment

There are plenty of couples who decide to stay together after infidelity and make the marriage work. But making the decision to do so is different from actually doing it, and most couples find themselves having a hard time moving forward.

Where the marriage will go after infidelity and how it will get there depends greatly on you and your partner’s individual emotional and cognitive barriers. These barriers could range from a simple case of a fear of being rejected or ridiculed, especially on the offender’s side, to a number of other issues you could be going through but are too afraid to share.

If you find yourself having difficulty in moving forward from infidelity, try this exercise and list down the barriers you think are keeping you from moving on. Identifying these barriers are a good way to finding out what specific concerns you are having issues with, and it will take you a step closer to rebuilding your marriage.

Share this list with your partner and tell him or her to the exercise as well. Being able to open up with your partner about whatever barriers or issues you are having is a great way to start fixing your problems and your marriage. Doing this with your partner will lead to a lot of progress in the long run.

Filed Under: After the Affair, Infidelity Coaching, Infidelity Decisions, Infidelity Fears, Infidelity Help, Marriage Makeover, Recovery From Infidelity, Relationship Tips, Relationships: Marriage, Surviving Infidelity Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

Healing From Infidelity: How to Deal With Someone Going Through an Affair Crisis

March 13, 2012 by Leave a Comment

What can you do to help someone who is the middle of an affair crisis? The following are a few things that are from people who have gone through this experience, and may help you help someone going through an affair crisis:

1. I’d really like to be able to talk about what I’m feeling openly and without censor. I’d like to be able to say how overwhelming my pain or my guilt is, to talk about what I’m going through, because I don’t want to keep things bottled up inside me.

2. I want to be left alone to go through what’s happened and process things by myself. I don’t want people pestering me about what I should do or how I should handle things. I want to be able to make decisions by myself without feeling that I have to do oblige what other people think I should do.

3. If you’re going to ask me how I am, I want to be able to answer it truthfully. I don’t want to be asked that in passing, when I can’t say how I really am doing. I want to be able to have time to mull it over so I can say how I really am.

4. I want to be understood. I want people to accept that I’m unsure of what to do and what I want to do, of how I feel and what I want to happen. I want you to be able to just be there for me even if I don’t make any sense.

5. And most importantly, I want to know that I am okay. I want to be accepted and validated by the people around me.

Filed Under: After the Affair, Infidelity Coaching, Infidelity Decisions, Infidelity Fears, Infidelity Help, Infidelity Impact, Infidelity Testimonials, Personal stuff, Recovery From Infidelity, Relationship Tips, Relationships: Marriage, Surviving Infidelity Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Relationship Tips: 16 Practical Dramatic Ways to Know if He/She is REALLY Changing

November 21, 2006 by 46 Comments

Every relationship hits a snag, or worse, a major crisis (such as infidelity), that demands significant change if the relationship is to survive.

So…there are promises to change and the two of you embark upon a new path. You watch carefully.

“Can I trust this change? Is it permanent? temporary? How long will it last? Is he/she REALLY changing?”

Good questions. Here are 16 ways to know if the change is going to last:

1. You notice opposite behaviors and nonverbal communication. Passivity becomes activity. Recklessness transforms into thoughtfulness. Aloofness turns into engagement.

2. You find yourself surprised. “Hmmmm, this hasn’t happened before, but is really nice! I wonder where this came from? But, I will take it!”

3. He/she expresses more curiosity about you, about him/her self and others. He/she observes more closely what happens in relationships, without criticism or defensiveness.

4. You feel that somehow there has been a shifting of gears. There is a different rhythm or flow in the relationship. Much less effort. Much less tension.

5. You find yourself noticing how differently he/she talks. The words seem different. The emotional tone of the words seem different.

6. The negative times, where you felt very stuck, helpless and hopeless, are less intense, happen less often and you seem to have more effective ways to move out of those times more quickly.

7. Your gut (intuition) tells you that this is ok. You begin to trust that part of you more implicitly. A part of you is clapping and cheering inside!

8. He/she seems to have more direction and purpose. Less drifting. He/she seems to be driven more by internal desires and wishes rather than reacting to people or external circumstances. He/she takes up interesting hobbies or finds more enthusiasm for career.

9. The changes seem to be more consistent and carry over for a longer period of time. More stability. Fewer swings. You seem more consistently on the right path.

10. More concern is expressed for family, children and close friends.

11. Words such as: “I promise. I’ll try. Or, I’m going to…” are NOT in his/her vocabulary.

12. Moments of effusive crying, tear letting and chest beating are gone. Apologies are past and there is a sense of working right here right now to create what we want down the line.

13. You hear no blaming of others. He/she does NOT make others responsible for his/her actions. You sense that he/she is intent upon responsibly creating his/her world.

14. There is good eye contact.

15. He/she is taking great steps toward self care both physically, emotionally and spiritually. He/she can state what he/she needs and negotiate with you to get those needs met. At the same time, your personal needs are considered.

16. You worry much less about what will happen next.

Filed Under: Relationship Tips
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