Infidelity Coaching Session: When Trust Becomes Difficult After Infidelity

Learn from this real-life infidelity coaching session with a client who finds herself having difficulty trusting her husband again after she discovers that he had an extramarital affair.

During this infidelity coaching session, she discusses some of the issues she is going through individually, as well as some of the issues that they are experiencing as a couple. Read on to see if you are in the same situation.

Ever since I found out about my husband’s affair, I’ve been having a hard time trusting him the way I used to. I know that maybe, with some time, I’d be able to do that again, but I’m pretty sure it will never be the same. This whole thing has taught me to put my needs first. I’ve learned to set up boundaries for myself and my husband within our marriage. I guess I just learned to protect myself more. But I want to learn or find out if there are ways that could help us get around the barriers that are keeping us from really reconnecting and making it work and last this time around. I think that at some level we’re basically just afraid, and I want to know about ways that we could get over our fears.

Another barrier we are facing is that we are having difficulty communicating. My husband always says that I have really bad timing when it comes to bringing up conversations like this, but I think he just says that because his idea of moving on is forgetting about what he did or pretending it never happened. I want to try maybe going to an infidelity coaching session as a couple, but I’m not sure how he is going to respond to that suggestion.

Our relationship has never been like this. We’re just so nice to each other all the time and it feels so fake. It was even better when he was having his affair – we talked more and there was a lot more passion in our relationship. Everything now just feels wrong. It’s like we’re so afraid of disappointing each other that we’ve become too cautious about everything we do. I don’t know what to do anymore.

Here are some of the things that were mentioned during the infidelity coaching session that she should focus on while she is going through her infidelity crisis.

1. Be specific about the fear you experience when interacting with your partner. What exactly is it that you or your partner is afraid of disappointing in each other? What other fears do you have regarding your partner and your relationship?

2. Ask your husband what he means by your “bad timing” and ask him when he thinks is the right time to talk to him about the things you want to talk about. You can also try introducing the topic to him before going any further into detail. Say something like “I want to talk about this and that right now. Do you think you’re up to it or would you rather talk about it another time?”

3. Try to identify what specific type of affair your partner was involved in. This will allow you to step back and think of a better plan to approach the issue of rebuilding your marriage.

Infidelity Testimonials: Focusing on Getting Better After Infidelity

The following is a recap of an actual coaching session between Dr. Huizenga and a client who is going through an extramarital affair crisis.

This is what the client had to say about her situation with her husband who had had an affair:

My husband said that he wanted a divorce after I’d found out about his affair. He didn’t even really talk to me about it. He never gave me details of how it began and why it happened in the first place. He just left one day and didn’t so much as see me for over a month. I was absolutely crushed, thinking that my family –with our two children, who are seven and 18 months old, and our nephew who we take care of – was destroyed, and I am all they have left. Or at least that’s what it felt like. I know the affair wasn’t my fault and I had nothing to do with why it happened to begin with, so I just try to always focus on the positive and think of ways that I can myself better.

His affair happened while he was on active duty to support the war. He became involved with a married woman after he’d told her that he was divorced and that his wife left him. I think that’s why it hurt more — that he lied about our family and our marriage. Our family and friends were very much surprised over what happened, and clearly I am as well, but I am grateful that they are here to support me and I have to say that am stronger for it.

After hearing her situation, she asked what she can do to help herself move forward with her life and become stronger as an individual. Here are some of the suggestions that Dr. Huizenga gave her to work on:

1. Keep on working on self-improvement goals. Get a pen and paper and make a list of the things you want to achieve for yourself. Writing it down helps to make it more of a commitment and you will be able to track which ones you’ve already achieved.

2. Allow yourself time to grieve the loss of your marriage and the life you had with your husband. As important as it is for you to move forward with your life, there’s nothing wrong with taking a little break from time to time to remember that a relationship that was  once near and dear to your heart is no longer there.

3. Create a journal of your internal dialogue, focusing on the part of you that has negative thoughts and reflecting on what it is you think that this part of you wants. Understanding yourself — what you’re feeling and thinking — will be very helpful to you in making decisions for your future.

4. Continue leaning on your support system. The people around you will be the ones who will help pull you through this tough time in your life. Do not be afraid to depend on them every once in a while.

Going through an infidelity crisis is never easy, and you should be able to get all the help and support that you can. So do not be afraid to ask for it, especially when you are at a loss as to what to do next.

Healing From Infidelity: How to Deal With Someone Going Through an Affair Crisis

What can you do to help someone who is the middle of an affair crisis? The following are a few things that are from people who have gone through this experience, and may help you help someone going through an affair crisis:

1. I’d really like to be able to talk about what I’m feeling openly and without censor. I’d like to be able to say how overwhelming my pain or my guilt is, to talk about what I’m going through, because I don’t want to keep things bottled up inside me.

2. I want to be left alone to go through what’s happened and process things by myself. I don’t want people pestering me about what I should do or how I should handle things. I want to be able to make decisions by myself without feeling that I have to do oblige what other people think I should do.

3. If you’re going to ask me how I am, I want to be able to answer it truthfully. I don’t want to be asked that in passing, when I can’t say how I really am doing. I want to be able to have time to mull it over so I can say how I really am.

4. I want to be understood. I want people to accept that I’m unsure of what to do and what I want to do, of how I feel and what I want to happen. I want you to be able to just be there for me even if I don’t make any sense.

5. And most importantly, I want to know that I am okay. I want to be accepted and validated by the people around me.