to Survive and Cope with Infidelity and Extramarital Affairs
Had a friend email me this this AM:
Domestic surveillance is off 75%. The people who do the surveillance say people can’t afford affairs. And, people are doing their own snooping by checking their blackberry’s, emails, etc. Fancy dinners out are off. Affairs happen in someone’s home, not the Ritz. the “no tell motel” and the car are more popular. Some go to the park. Divorce = 37% of divorce lawyers said divorce is down. “It is cheaper to keep her”
If you just discovered your spouse is cheating and having an affair, feel totally devastated, yet think you shouldn’t feel that way… think again.
Read these comments from folks struggling with the impact of infidelity:
1. List 3 or 4 meanings that your partner’s affair has for you. That is to say, what impact is the infidelity having upon YOU? For example, how has is changed what you think about? how you spend your time? how you think of yourself? etc? Tell a story or give examples of how your life is now different.
1- His infidelity made me feel worthless, as if every thing we have done together toward the relationship, was not enough for him (maybe it wasn’t) but why to lie and act as if everything was okey? 2- In a matter of minutes I went from happy, confident, smart, funny, and patient to anxious, stupid, retarded, and sad. I lost my self-esteem and desire to have a career, nice house, anything with him. I’m so anxious around him that I can barely drive, or talk and understand (I’m a Spanish speaker, his American) 3- I didn’t have any reason to go to work, gym, shopping, party, or just talk to people. I was afraid someone could know and ask me about it. I lost my pride. 4- I normally receive lots of compliments, from friends, customers, and strangers! but I only receive critics from him. I never look perfect for him, he always find something wrong, and that makes me insecure because I have to think about how to please him and myself at the same time.
Infidelity has changed the way my husband thinks about us. He is staying with me out of obligation. Therefore I think a lot about my value as a marriage partner, and what I could give to someone who truly wants me in his life. I would be a gold mine for someone who would appreciate me. The affair has changed him as a person. He seems to get so little joy in anything and has become very self-absorbed…therefore he is unable and lacks desire to give me what I need in marriage. I am the one doing all the trying. Therefore I think again about options for me. His affair has left me untrusting. This is his 3rd affair, and makes me question why I would stay with someone like this. He is a good man and a good provider. We have been married 39 years, have a great family and some great memories. We have been commuting between DC and AZ for several years due to job situations. We built a new home in the DC 1 1/2 years ago, and I was to move here in that time. Things had been great until a year ago when his affair changed all that. (He has no idea how the affair happened, but refuses to understand the whys and hows of it.) I have had great therapy through all this turmoil. After much thought, I recently gave up my home and my job in AZ to come to DC where he has been living so as to try to put this marriage back together again. It is a work in progress. I spend my time doing things in the home and I am a physical fitness buff…so my days are easily filled with meaningful things. I am a people pleaser and have a lot of friends. But I do miss work. My life where it was once very secure, is now filled with questions and doubt. I am a spiritual person and I know I was led to come here to try to save my marriage. In the event this does not work out, I want to feel comfortable in the knowledge I did everything I could to preserve what we had before I toss away 39 years. I am an extremely competent, attractive and full of life. If I had to I know I would make it on my own. But my life is definitely different and somewhat uncertain. At a time when we should be contemplating retirement and enjoying our 3 beautiful grandchildren….life is now one big question mark for me. Thank you
Surviving infidelity is the first step.
Once you are past the survival mode, an awareness kicks in of the myriad of issues, emotionally powerful issues, that confront you.
The realization that your life will never be the same descends.
Read how infidelity has challenged and impacted the life of these readers as they respond to my question:
List 3 or 4 meanings that your partner’s affair has for you. That is to say, what impact is the infidelity having upon YOU? For example, how has is changed what you think about? how you spend your time? how you think of yourself? etc? Tell a story or give examples of how your life is now different.
my wife was in a 3 year affair that ended 2 years ago..we have worked alot on our marriage via counseling etc..my wife is very private and guarded..we have been married 27 years ..the biggest impact is in how to get her to express..she says she is over it and doesn’t want questions etc or to ever be reminded of the affair..she says she knows how badly it hurt us and our grown children but its time to move on..2- i still wonder at times what she is thinking about..she says she only thinks of him when i bring it up..she lied alot before and its hard to believe her..3- i found out by reading her emails..they were very sexual..i get triggered when she is on her email or cell phone but her work requires it..4- believing in my gut..so my life is different because i cant remember what it was like to trust..all our memories that were good seem to be faded away and tainted from this experience..i have gone through extensive therapy and looked at my role etc..but its still hard to come to grips with everything.
1. My husbands infidelities have made me realize that I have gotten fat and look like my mother. I have lost the slim and trimness of who I used to be and settled for a soft mother image…that he hates of which was told to me by one of the other women that I called when I found out about the infidelity/s. 2. My self esteem, and my goals as far as being self reliant and supported financially. I have lost my independence. 3. I cannot have passion for my husband anymore because I don’t really know him. And what I thought I did know, must have been just a lie. So sex is not passionate. 4. There is no desire in our relationship to please one another or to be involved in extended family gatherings. I probably would let his family know about his behavior if I had to be around them more. So I limit when and if I wish to allow our children to see them.
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