What happens if the cheating spouse has seemingly no intentions of admitting the affair, is not remorseful, and fails for move off course of his/her destructive path?

How do you maintain yourself, keep your focus and keep the life of your family intact when this happens?

And, please remember, once we discover infidelity we tend to be hopeful that it will soon end and the marriage be restored. This does not always happen.

Here are some responses from my readers. Note I use the words “charging neutral” to describe a skill needed to intervene with the spouse and maintain ones’ equilibrium.

Reader #1:

1. What goals have you set for yourself and what got the best results to help you feel better and charge more neutral?

My goal is to close the gap in the broken circle that was once my family. i thought i needed my “husband” to make my circle complete but i am learning to close it myself. i have realized that the only person i can really count on is myself ( and my parents of course). i have focused on healing my children and i am getting a part time job.

2. Jot down a turning point between you and your partner that helped the two of you move in a positive direction. Tell the story, if you would.

Reader #2:

The turning point is me accepting the fact that he will never show “remorse” or take responsibility for his actions. this way i can dictate the provisions of his visitation with my children and state my financial needs and not feel greedy. i just decided that i have not had what i have needed or wanted for so long that it is now time for me. i have also realized that even though i am lonely, everything good i do will lead to something else.

He has made himself out to be the victim, even though he is the one who betrayed me and my family. It is infuriating to know that he has justified everything, and rationalized his behavior, to absolve his own guilt. For the sake of his adult children, I have asked him to face the truth, but he will not. … You asked for goals. My goal is to restore the relationship, which seems impossible at this point. For myself, I exercise regularly and that has been a great way to keep my stress under control and help me get the sleep I need. I pray daily and this helps keep me focused on my inner peace, knowing that I must rely on God for my strength and for guidance in making wise decisions. It is still very difficult to be around him because of his attitude, so mostly I avoid it. This gives few opportunities to “charge neutral.” Recently, I told him I will not tolerate the disrespectful way he treats me. He immediately said he does not disrespect me. I listed several actions that I find disrespectful. Since then he has stopped doing some of those things.

Reader #3:

1. What goals have you set for yourself and what got the best results to help you feel better and charge more neutral?

In my situation, I have tried to learn the lessons and take positive advice away from this. I am on a quest for spiritual growth and want to improve form the inside. I am not hiding form new relationship, but I want to be able to look at them and know for sure what I am getting into.

2. Jot down a turning point between you and your partner that helped the two of you move in a positive direction. Tell the story, if you would.

My wife of 15 years (53 years old) is deep into a mid life crisis. She has turned 18 all over. She ran off with a guy who does not even have a job, is an alcoholic, does drugs, and who knows what else. I tried for a year to work with her but to no avail. After reading Break Free and learning about the type of affair I was dealing with (my marriage made me do it) I came to the realization that Dr. Huizena’s advice about taking care of your self and improving your own life is the best way to handle all this mess. I had to laugh at myself when I read about the 12 things you should not do. I did them all. And I was feeling terrible about myself. I kept looking for the mistakes I had made that caused my marriage to fail. After reading the book, I started working on me. I am in counseling and am working on why I am the way I am. I probably will never see my ex wife again. I really do not care at this point. I am getting to the place that I feel good about me. I am pursuing my personal goals, have changed jobs (more money) and am just improving my life in all areas. Once I started working on me I realized that the affair issues were hers and not mine. She is living the life she created and I am much better off without her. Make no mistake it took a long time to see this and get to this point. I still have a ways to go. My ex has refused to acknowledge her role in all this and blames the marriage or me for our failure. What a load of horse hockey. The more I see her for what she is, the easier for me to move into a positive direction. Come to the point of knowing that it is not your fault and you did not do anything wrong to make your spouse have an affair. Look to your spiritual beliefs to help you move forward. I did. Take care of your self.