Never in a million years did you expect this! Never in a million years did family, friends, neighbors, social, work and church acquaintances expect this! Never! Everyone is in shock. No can believe s/he is doing this. An affair – not in anyone’s wildest imaginations.

S/he was a truly good, caring person. S/he was reliable and responsible. A good parent. A good spouse. A good partner. S/he was liked by most and got along with people. Always accommodating. Always considerate. Willing to go the extra mile. The two were often referred to as the “perfect couple.”

White picket fence. Mini-van always on the go. A typical happy family. Seemingly having it all!

And now it’s discovered that s/he is having an affair. What in the world is going on???

Actually, this is a fairly common scenario. At least, I, as an infidelity coach, run into this pattern on a frequent basis.

Here are some observations on this extramarital affair pattern:

1. Such infidelity is often with someone of a “lower social class.” The OP (other person) is thought of by many as a “loser.” The OP may have a history of unstable relationships. Often substance abuse is in the picture. The two of them together certainly, to most, seem to be a gigantic miss-match.

2. The feelings and emotional tug and pull of the affair is for him/her extremely powerful. S/he may say that for the first time s/he is “in love.” S/he may say to the spouse, “I love you, but am not ‘in love’ with you.” One is reminded of affair #4 in Break Free From the Affair, “I fell in love…and just love being in love.” S/he cannot or chooses not to explain the affair in any other terms other than “I’m in love.”

3. S/he seems to live in two worlds. To others s/he does an amazing job of moving from one world to another. S/he continues to parent, work and fulfill responsibilities, although at times it seems as if s/he is not really “there.”

4. S/he may express anger, especially at the partner or spouse, although it may be rather indirect. It emerges typically as affair #1: “The Marriage Made me Do it.” The spouse may be incredulous as s/he hears him/her saying, “The marriage was lousy. You never paid attention to me. You did this. You did that.” Etc. Most of these “issues” were not previously addressed.

5. If there is a degree of awareness on his/her part, s/he may disclose: “I need to find out who I really am. And, I feel like I can be myself with the OP.” S/he is, in reality, devoid of an inner core or self. S/he spent most of her/his energy accommodating others, basing his/her actions on what s/he thought others or society expected. Bottom line: s/he gives tremendous power to others, especially those of the opposite sex to define who s/he is, especially as a psycho-sexual being. S/he lacks an internal compass.

6. S/he is on a path of self-destruction. This is obvious to everyone but him/her. Again, if there is a degree of awareness, s/he may admit: “Yes, I know this might not work out, but I can’t help it.”

7. S/he may express little remorse. This comes as a huge surprise and shock to those who know him/her best. S/he is compelled to continue contact with the OP and a part of her/him is convinced this is something s/he MUST do. Damn the torpedoes. Straight ahead. And, s/he spends insignificant time apologizing.

So, what gives in this kind of affair?

In talking to probably hundreds of people facing this scenario and inquiring about their history and his/her history a persistent theme emerges.

S/he at one point in his/her life experienced some form of abuse. Often it was sexual in nature, such as rape, incest at worst and great confusion regarding sexuality at a minimum.

S/he spent tremendous energy compartmentalizing this experience(s). S/he with great determination tried to “put it away.” S/he worked hard trying to be “normal.”

S/he watched others and listened closely to what society ideally expects so s/he could become a “good person.” (A basic tenet of abuse: the victim comes to believe “there is something wrong with me. I must be defective”)

The spouse/partner perhaps knew of the abuse but s/he relayed the story in an off-hand manner. The emotional intensity was camouflaged.

And now the hidden and minimized emotional intensity spews forth and now s/he must cope along with family, friends, spouse.

If you and your partner are working to heal yourselves and your marriage after an affair, you may have experienced this?? Words or actions happen that immediately trigger negativity within you. The words or actions may not seem like such a big deal to others but, for you, there is something about them that is upsetting. You may not even understand why you feel this way, you just do.

Consider this scenario??

Chuck brought his wife, Elaine, a beautiful bouquet of flowers following all of the rendezvous he had with the woman he was having an affair with. In the course of his infidelity being discovered, Elaine realized this pattern and came to associate Chuck’s action of giving her flowers with the pain of the affair. Now, 10 years since Chuck ended his relationship with the other woman, Elaine always bristles when he gives her flowers. She is unable to enjoy what is now Chuck’s way of expressing love for Elaine?”not, as was his previous motivation, his guilt.

Being given flowers by her husband, fires off a negative anchor that instantly transports Elaine back to the past and the painful feelings around the affair. It is these past feelings of hurt and betrayal that Elaine needs to heal. In the present, Elaine can tune in to herself and realize she is experiencing the baggage of an unhealed experience. She can choose to let go of those old feelings, live in the present moment, and perhaps even allow herself to enjoy Chuck’s gift for what it is.

For his part, Chuck can be sensitive to this association and choose different ways to express his love for Elaine that don’t always involve flowers. Together, they can heal from the past and create a new future for themselves.

Stephen Covey refers to situations like this scenario when he says, “Old resentments never die. They just get buried alive and come up later in uglier ways.?? When we hold on to unresolved resentments, they tend to come up again in different circumstances and even with different people. They may be similar to the original trauma?”as was the case with Chuck and Elaine. Or, they may appear quite different but share similarities that are more subtle.

To begin to heal past resentments, take a moment when you first feel yourself being triggered. Examine where the negativity is coming from. Being aware of what you do, is an important first step to changing patterns. From within, take a look at the previous situation or relationship. Where did these feelings come from? Who and what was involved in the situation? Differentiating between what happened in the past and what’s happening right now is vital.

When it comes down to it, opening up to forgiving the person who may have caused you pain is part of the process. Honoring how that experience helped create who you are right now is another part. Once you are able to release the past, you will be freer to experience emotional freedom and the life you want for yourself.

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Relationship coaches Susie and Otto Collins, authors of “Should You Stay or Should You Go?” “Relationship Trust” and “No More Jealousy” are experts at helping people get more of the love they really want. Learn how you can create more trust by visiting http://www.RelationshipTrust.com

By Susie and Otto Collins, Relationship Coaches

When it comes to your marriage or intimate relationship, trust is sometimes taken for granted. If you or your partner has an affair, however, trust very quickly moves from ignored in the background to very prominent at the forefront. Marriages and intimate relationships are usually based on agreements we make with our partner. These often include staying faithful to one another, though what that means can vary. We trust that these agreements will be honored. Unfortunately, after an affair, trust that agreements will be kept is seriously weakened and can even feel destroyed.

If you are in a relationship in which one, or both, of you have been unfaithful, you may wonder if it is possible to regain trust. We’re here to tell you that if you choose to stay in your relationship, building healthy trust again IS possible.

Trust may be weakened to varying degrees. You might feel doubt that you are lovable?”particularly if you let your true self show. Especially if you and your partner are trying to come back together after an affair, fears that he or she is cheating on you may come up. However subtle or intense, any weakened or lacking trust will stand in the way of you having the close intimate relationship you want.

Consider this example??..

The sport of wall climbing involves a climber ascending a wall (which may be 50 ft. more or less high) held up by only a harness linked in with a rope which the climbing partner (belayer) is responsible for managing. It is up to the belayer to pay attention to whether the climber is moving up, ready to come down, or has popped off the wall (hands or feet slipped off the holds). An irresponsible belayer can mean discomfort and even danger for the climber.

At the same time, the climber must trust his or her belayer. If the climber cannot trust the belayer, the climber may become frozen and end up clinging to the wall holds afraid to move up or down. No fun at all! Climber and belayer must share a sense of trust that each will keep the climbing agreements they’ve made. If they work together, stay present, and communicate clearly the result will more likely be enjoyable for both.

People make mistakes when wall climbing, just as in relationships. Let’s say the belayer’s attention is momentarily distracted and at that moment, the rope becomes slack and the climber pops off the hold. Chances are the belayer will immediately re-focus and the climber will not fall far. But the jolt of the semi-fall may stick in the climber’s mind and affect trust.

In both of these cases, this wall climbing scenario and a couple trying to heal after an affair, regaining trust is key. Both relationships will not grow or flourish without trust.

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Relationship coaches Susie and Otto Collins, authors of “Should You Stay or Should You Go?” “Relationship Trust” and “No More Jealousy” are experts at helping people get more of the love they really want. Learn how you can rebuild trust by visiting http://www.RelationshipTrust.com