Infidelity Help Skill: Charging Neutral

November 4, 2008 by Leave a Comment

In my ebook, Break Free From the Affair, I focus on a specific skill that exudes power.

Understanding and implementing this skill is often much more difficult than it would seem.

Here’s a person who “got it.”

1. Tell me your story. How have you used “Charging Neutral” and tell me exactly what happened?

I have learned that by “reacting” to my spouse’s affair, my spouse would get into a “defend mode”. And when a person is in this defend mode, they have tunnel vision and can only see what they want to see or think they see, and can’t hear any kind of reasoning, they only hear what they want or think they have heard. Also, when in this defend mode, words fly that maybe neither one of us didn’t really want to say or mean. So, I have practiced “Charging Neutral”. I stay very calm, almost no emotion involved, and always look them in the eye to show this is NOT going to hurt me like they think. So when my spouse and I had the “affair” talk, my spouse is the one blowing up and in a rage. I on the other hand stayed calm and would repeat what was just said to me, as to confirm to my spouse what I just heard. Most times my spouse will hear from me what was just said, and boy does it sound stupid to my spouse. If my spouse yells that “we are done!”, I may just repeat what was just said in a different way, “well I know you want to live by your self”, then follow up with “I hope you realize that you have the chance of loosing everything”. Again, by speaking in a non caring and calm manner, they can actually hear you, or hear what they just said. How can they, the one having an affair, justify to themselves or to us, any of their reasoning as being a good enough reason to have the affair in the first place. This Charging Neutral way of speaking is so non threatening to them, they have nothing to defend their actions, and they start to rethink their own actions. By the way, my spouse’s affair almost did us in. Only by me going to therapy and me reading these newsletters did I finally learn how to handle this bad situation and learned how to save my marriage. I am a very strong person emotionally and mentally now, so if this is ever presented to me again, I now have the courage and power to turn the table around and kick thier butt out the door with no regrets. No regrets on my part because I am in control of myself, but my spouse will not know what hit, and will be so confused and hurt by their own actions….why?…because of staying and being calm and having a non caring type of an attitude, even though it hurts like hell. (People seek to please others when given positive attention and kindness…People don’t seek others with reactive or defensive actions. Just like speaking to a young child).

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Infidelity Resources for the Abusive Relationship

October 28, 2008 by Leave a Comment

Abusive relationships are dangerous. Infidelity often exacerbates that danger. It adds another explosive element.

Here’s the question I posed for my readers and some responses:

1. What online or offline resources have you found helpful in dealing with abuse, criticism and blame from a cheating spouse and… how did you find them helpful?

I have a wonderful counselor who has helped me with the verbal abuse that my husband dishes out to me. She will tell me what to say then I put it into practice. I’m thankful for this email as well. The other source is listening to Joyce Myer every day and relying on God in lots of way. But I do stress be careful when in any of these situations.

Patricia Evans book, “The Verbally Abusive Relationship.” Finding this resources was the triggering event for confronting my ex-husband’s behaviors and learning to disengage. Ironically, the first person with whom I shared what was really going on my my relationship, my then closest friend who is a physician’s assistant, dismissed my concerns telling me everyone had these issues. Luckily I continued to pursue information and actually had two email exchanges with Patricia Evans.

Susan Forward’s books, specifically, “When Your Lover is a Liar. Dr. Oakley and her book, “Evil Genes.” She and I have been communication.

Dr. Huizenga’s site.

The book, “The Sociopath Next Door.” My surgeon who performed my reconstruction following breast cancer. She is THE BEST physician I’ve ever known both in her incredible talent as a surgeon and her ability to empathize and demonstrate true compassion for others. She got me the medical attention I needed as I had gone from 150# to 114# and am 5’10”. My local docs did nothing so she referred me, the same day I saw her, to her personal physician. This physician was also thorough, compassionate and empathetic and prescribed me meds to help reduce my anxiety and depression.

The Psalms and daily meditations using books from the Center for Non Violent Communication.

Articles and books both on and off-line regarding sociopaths and sex addiction. Two authors in particular, Dr. Hare and Dr. Patrick Carnes.

My therapist and a few close friends. Luckily my dad, who is 87, was still here for me as the majority of my family and friends either didn’t believe me or did not want to hear about my situation.

Coping with Divorce seminar.

I wish there was a program for spouses of cheaters who exhibit either sociopathic or narcissistic PD. I think it is far more difficult to accept the end of a marriage when you finally realize you have been conned for 20+ years and your spouse just disappears.

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Coping with Infidelity: When to “Let Go”

October 21, 2008 by Leave a Comment

Should I stay or should I go? And, when will I know when to go? Can this marriage be saved? When will I know it’s salvageable?

These are pressing and legitimately powerful questions when coping with infidelity.

Part of the task is identifying the markers along the way that tell you when the relationship is beyond repair.

Read this case study:

My wifes father died of cancer 30 days following diagnosis. She spent these days renewing a past friendship with her step brother, that eventually turned to a relationship where she came to me 6 months later to acknowledge she loves him. My immediate response was to close the door, that this was not repairable with her family and all. She begged me to hang in there and give her time to sort these feelings out. I decided to do this based on some understanding I had from your book. I did everything I could to “backoff” and give her the space she needed to sort herself out for 8 weeks. Following that I was getting very tired of the roller coaster weeks and knowing that every step forward she would make toward us, she would take two steps backward for him. I’ve felt like I am the only person actually trying to work on this. I made a decision then to allow her some additional time to allow us the opportunity to sort our finances in the even of a divorce and with that we talked allot better. She told me she was planning to fly and see him (he lives 1500 miles away) and I told her this was unacceptable and too painful for me to even comprehend. She went in spite of my feelings and following the weekend, I determined it needed to end. My closure has come from the question I asked her “will you ever be able to end this with him?” – she could not answer this question. I honestly believe I have done everything I could within my will to try and save what I felt was a great marriage with some issues. We are getting ready to meet for a final “get on the same page” meeting, and all I can still think about is ways to save this marriage. I cant help but feel this relationship originated for wrong reasons based on her love for him as a brother, but know now that her decision to fly and see him in spite of my knowing and hurt is bigger than a case of misguided feelings through the course of grieving a father. I know this has little to do with your question, but I felt like telling the story. Thanks for your help.

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