Infidelity and Anger: The Power of Charging Neutral

November 10, 2008 by Leave a Comment

I’ve been doing much research on what someone facing infidelity tolerates in an extramarital affair.

How one deals with those tolerations and stops putting up with so much hinges on a skill I teach called: Charging Neutral.

Here’s a great example:

1. Tell me your story. How have you used “Charging Neutral” and tell me exactly what happened?

It has been about two months since I found out about my husbands six month affair. At first I was really angry and went through a lot of different stages to get to where I am now. I began “charging Neutral” and didn’t even realize it. My husband and I talk a lot now, almost everyday about the affair. I feel no hate, malice or anger to him or the op for what has happened now. In the beginning I felt I needed to prove that I was the better choice but I quickly realized I didn’t need to do that because he would not have come home if he didn’t believe this himself. He now feels free to talk about anything he remembers at anytime and knows that i’ll not get angry or feel hurt because this is something that has already happened and he already acknowledges he completely hurt and disrespected me in the worst way so it doesn’t need to be said anymore. I quite agree it is one of the best ways in beginning to heal even if we find we can’t stay in the marriage anymore we will at least be friends again. And that’s important for the kids.

Please remember that using charging neutral also depends to a great extent on the kind or type of extramarital affair facing you.

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Confronting a Cheating Husband with Charging Neutral

November 9, 2008 by Leave a Comment

Here’s another case study of how a woman facing infidelity and confronting her cheating husband used “Charging Neutral” to take control of her circumstances and enhance movement toward resolution:

1. Tell me your story. How have you used “Charging Neutral” and tell me exactly what happened?

I told him he had to leave and enforced it. I told him I would not tolerate infidelity and an extramarital affair. I told him to make sure he used protection with his mistress unless he wanted to pay for an unexpected child. I told him, all in a calm and strong voice, that he had six months to figure out his “confusion,” but that I would always be his friend because of our children. I sent him reasonable apartments to rent. I told him therapy could help him decide and that I too was going. I joined a gym, got busy with friends and night classes, and took some weekends away to visit friends. I did not always answer his call or be at home when he came to pick up belongings, but explained it was because I was too angry to see him. He was begging to come back home within three weeks. It was over within two months. The times I “charged neutral” were 100 times more effective than the times I lost control in changing our situation. And it made me feel so much better, more in control, of my life and the devastating situation I was in.

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Infidelity Help: Remaining Calm

November 5, 2008 by 2 Comments

Here’s another example of charging neutral – the most powerful skill you can use in coping with infidelity and for confrontations of all varieties.

By the way, this scenario is very common once an affair is brought into the open. It is relevant to a couple of the types of affairs I outline in my e-book.

Thanks to Joanne (who gave me permission to share this) for her story about charging neutral.

Thank you for all your advise. I have been going through this since I found out about my spouses affair. Jan 2008. The other women called my teenage daughters and told them everything. I still to this day don’t know when it started with them, but phone records show it started in Aug of 2007. My spouse has never come clean, he says its over and that he wants to come home, but he is a jekyl and hyde and one minute I know him and the next minute I don’t. He is living with his mother and hates it. We have been married over 20 years and this was a total shock. The thing that really bothered me most is that he never made any attempt to make things right with my daughters or myself. Very self centered. Winter is coming now and I know that he wants to be back our house. I packed up all his winter clothes and took them over to his mothers house the other day. He went crazy, knowing that I didn’t want him back. He cried and told me he loved me, that it was over and that he wanted to come home. I told him we had to work on it, but I think his idea of working on it should be one more talk and then move back home. We decided to meet the to have a talk and for him to come clean. I guess this scared him, so he called me and said he didn’t want to get together. Thinking I was going to lose it, I just said to him ” I think your lies are hurting you more than they are hurting me.” Charged neutral. Hes been calling me constantly. I care about him deeply and worry about him, but I know that he has to be the person I knew and lived with for the last 20 years. I also have to consider the feelings of my daughters. He has been raging at me, telling me horrible things, accusing me of all the things he probably did. I read your book back in March of 2008, and had trouble understanding this “charging neutral” I finally understand it. I get it. I think it took me a long time to understand how I needed to approach the situation. I practiced, and I finally understand. I don’t know what the outcome will be and I hope it is good, but I finally have control of my own feelings, and wont let his mistakes control my feelings anymore. Thank you again, I continue to read your submissions. Joanne

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