Facing Infidelity NOT Alone

December 7, 2008 by Leave a Comment

It’s an interesting fact that not much is truly known or taught about infidelity.

A local church approached me to talk about the doing a series of seminars on marriage for their adults. I suggested we do a series on infidelity (of course!)

The response: “Oh no, we couldn’t do that! No one would come to the group, fearing that others would think THEY had the problem!”

I read another article recently from the academic community on the paucity of research on infidelity. There isn’t much there.

Therapists usually fly by the seat of their pants when confronted with infidelity. Actually, it’s my observation that most therapists jump off the topic almost immediately and begin talking about “what’s happening in the marriage.”

So, when someone encounters infidelity, it’s like moving into a new unknown world. What do they do? Where do they go? How do they learn to trust again?

A powerful feeling of isolation emerges. Family and friends offer reactive advice that is usually not helpful. Plus, No one has ever talked to them about the phenomenon of infidelity.

And so, isn’t the internet a wonderful tool? Information and connection never made possible before.

Here are a couple responses from readers of my “7 Killer Mistakes” E-course on how they were helped to get their feet on the ground after the discovery”

>>>>Just knowing someone has the same issues/fears as I have. Knowing someone cares and it is not me who has the problem.

>>>>It helps me to realize that all my crazy mixed up pain and emotions are normal and things WILL get better.

Filed Under: Infidelity Help Tagged With: ,

The Extramarital Affair: When doing Everything Isn’t Enough

December 5, 2008 by Leave a Comment

You may have a bag full of tricks and skills that you have learned or are in the process of learning.

The infidelity or extramarital affair is right before you. Its ugliness stares you in the face.

And, you are determined to fight it, to save the marriage, to resolve it in some fashion, to see some sort of movement in the relationship that signifies some change or shifts.

And so you employ the skills. You state clearly your position. You charge neutral. You are non reactive. You define your needs. You listen. You make powerful statements in a loving manner.

You read another self-help book. You learn a couple more tricks. You employ them – very well. You do a great job of doing what the experts say.

And…………

You get the same ole response. Or worse, you experience a flare up of some nasty words and behavior. Heated argument. Blame. Anger. Rage. Withdrawal. Cut-off. Stone cold silence. Rolled eyes. Focus placed back on you. Excuses. Defensiveness. You get the picture…

And, then you go back to the negative feelings and negative thoughts. Is this worth it? Why am I trying so hard?! What good does it do?!

The fact is that some people are so locked into their pain, their illusions, their delusions, their distorted filters of you, the world and themselves, that they at that moment in time lack any capacity to respond to you, or others, for that matter, in a healthy way.

Those who chose infidelity to manage their personal needs and inner desert often are at this place of temporary insanity. They live in a world of delusion. They are unreachable.

Now, please know that they are not to be blamed or criticized. We all do crazy things periodically. We all shoot ourselves in the foot, and it hurts. Woulda, coulda, shoulda.

Most emerge from the fog and delusion of infidelity and reclaim themselves. Some don’t. But, at particular times, it seems as if they need to hang onto that world for dear life. At that time, you are knocking on a door where no one is home.

Filed Under: Infidelity Help Tagged With: ,

Affairs with Therapists

December 3, 2008 by 1 Comment

On one of my coaching calls the other day a woman confided that her husband was having an “inappropriate” relationship with his therapist. The therapist (a female) was having lunch with him, inviting him to activities, inviting him over to her house and was sending emails that were talked about her fondness for him.

My client suspected much more was going on, although she did not have proof.

Each therapeutic community (I am licensed by the state of Michigan as a Marriage and Family Therapist and also am a Certified Social worker in the state of Michigan) has a code or set of ethics that prohibits what’s called “dual relationships.”

Tight, effective “boundaries” must be set by the therapist to protect the client, who in most cases is vulnerable. As well, the therapist, whether s/he admits or not is in an one-up position of power. That power is NOT to be abused.

I suggested to my client that she call the agency for which this therapist worked (a Christian agency by the way, where frequently boundaries are problematic and ignored in the guise of “helping” someone) and present what she knew of the relationship and express her concerns. I also suggested she inform them that she might take the information to the appropriate licensing agency.

“Inappropriate” therapist-client relationships are not to be tolerated.

Filed Under: Infidelity Help Tagged With: ,
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