Coping with Infidelity: Getting Out of the Triangle

March 28, 2009 by Leave a Comment

Much of coping with infidelity, at least the initial rush of fear and panic, involves the capacity to stand back and assume a different perspective, a different way of thinking about your circumstance.

You see, we all have deeply ingrained assumptions about ourselves, about love, about marriage, about relationships that we have gathered along the way that are… well…. just plain inaccurate and distortions of reality. (Too much television, movies, gossip and grocery market tabloids, I suppose.)

Being slammed with infidelity means being slammed by our distortions and inaccuracies.

Once we stand back mentally and are capable of putting together a new way of thinking, the awful feelings subside, we react less and act more.

Here are a couple comments from those who are in the process of making that shift:

1. “As soon as I downloaded the E- Course and started reading it the initial ‘blind’ panic subsided and I started immedialtely to shift my concentration from the horrible negative and hopelessness I felt from my husbands affair. The immediate quote that gave me so much strength was the line – ‘The affair is NOT ABOUT YOU!”.- IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. I some how separated myself from the turmoil I was in – it was a bit like leaving a room where two people are arguing I somehow managed to realize that the problem was their problem and this thought was the first positive and very powerful thought that got me thru those first couple of very painful days. Three weeks on we are talking, talking talking, some days are good and then there are the times that I feel angry and hurt, but I seem to handle these bad times much better and when I do have these down days I go back and re-read the E-Course book and keep reminding myself that it is not about me. This way I am able to disassociate myself from the triangle. I am able to become more rationale – talk more rationally and think more rationally. i am also thinking more about myself and where I am going – I am going to use this experience to get on top of my fears and I have told myself many times and now do really believe it that ‘I will be okay’ – believe me without this wonderful book there is no way that I would have every got to this stage. – Thank you so very much.”

2. “It (Killer Mistakes e-course) has given me a different perspective on things by helping me to deal with the hurt in a different way.”

Filed Under: Infidelity Help Tagged With: , ,

Coping with Infidelity: Healing From the Pain

March 25, 2009 by Leave a Comment

Infidelity creates a different world and a different perspective. It forever alters one’s life. One scrapes the bottom of the negative feelings and thoughts, encounters the worst of one’s self.

At that point decisions are made (mostly unconscious, I believe) that move the person toward health. There is ALWAYS an internal part of each of us that works for our health the well-being.

Coping with infidelity is a matter of embracing that part.

Here are three comments from readers that describe where they started with infidelity.

“The affair made me very mad and disgusted because this is not who I thought he was or that he could do this after 22 years of marriage. After reading your book, I now focus on what I need realizing that I am not to blame. My communication has changed, emotions are under control and I have a life to live. I stopped thinking about how to fix this and work on the new normal which is, working on me.”

“1)I use to have a feeling of complete security. That as long as he was alive, he would be there for me if I had a time of need. That secure feeling is gone. Life seems more risky. I now know there might not be a safety net. 2) I don’t feel completely committed anymore. I have one eye out for assuring that our joint decisions don’t have negative repercussions for me if we aren’t together until death do us part. 3) I miss the unconditional love feeling I used to have for him. However, to protect myself from ever hurting that badly again, a part of me is staying a little reserved. I love him, but I’m holding a little back so that if he hurts me again, it won’t be quite as painful.”

“— IMPACT — * FEEL INFERIOR, LESS OF A MAN, BEATEN, A FOOL. * USED * BETRAYED * SAD — CHANGE — * NO FAITH IN MARRIAGE OR WOMEN * BROKEN HEART (X3) THAT MAY NEVER HEAL * NO TRUST FOR MY WIFE — SPENDING TIME — * EXERCISE/WEIGHT LIFTING/TAKING CARE OF MYSELF * CONSTANT SURVEILLANCE; CELL PHONE BILLS/COMPUTER * PONDERING LIFE WITH A REAL COMPANION. This is the third time I have been cheated on. My current wife an I are still together but it is not the same. She wants me to forgive her. She has no idea what this has done to me. I am a good looking and successful man, yet she had a fling anyway with another married man at the urging of whom were once her friends. She is not capable of taking care of herself. In fact she was fired for lack of performance and “misuse” of the internet at work. This was most likely the e-mails she was exchanging with the other man. Her former employer liked me very much, however, they had their reasons to fire her. She is now a house wife now. I feel she is waiting for Mr.Wonderful ($) to come along a rescue her. In the meantime I have developed a insecurity problem and am trying to deal with this the best I can. I think she really does love me but she does this because she can’t help it. Time will tell. I don’t think I have control of this one.”

Filed Under: Infidelity Help, Infidelity Impact Tagged With: , ,

Are we Raising a New Generation of Cheaters?

March 19, 2009 by Leave a Comment

Saw an interesting article in USA Today a couple days ago. It was an interview with “Dr. Drew” – the TV self help guru.

He was talking about our tendency to focus on Celebrities as our role models.

Here’s part of the problem; however – many celebrities are internally fueled by their narcissism.. their need for attention, their need for excitement and chaos and their need to have others mirror back to them their greatness and stature.

This seemingly wonderful and exciting external behavior often masks a deep emptiness and barrenness of soul. The celebrity fears the day when s/he will be truly found out. As well, Dr. Drew points out that the “celebrity” often is attempting to cope with a history of profound childhood trauma.

The “Celebrity” often develops a sense of entitlement, as in others or the world “owing” him/her his self pleasure. Others are there to serve him/her.

The “celebrity” status is not confined to “Hollywood Stars.”

I think of the adulation we baseball fans heaped upon Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa in their home run duel, all the time cheating with their drugs.

I think of AIG CEO’s accepting their obscene bonus money probably without a whimper. After all, they are entitled, aren’t they?

I think of pampered athletes demanding new contracts… or they will hold out.

I think of politicians believing they can “get away with” sleeping around, hiring hookers or having an affair.

There is a theme or pattern in all of this: MY personal needs, desires or wants come first. Yes, I’m entitled to that. And, others ought in many ways at least close their eyes and allow me do what I want to do.

We watch this. Our young people watch their “celebrity role models.” And, so we focus externally, looking out there for our excitement, fun and “success.” Those who achieve this “success” become our models.

But we slide on a slippery slope, sliding towards that emptiness and barrenness of soul that “successful ones” desperately try to avoid. We cheat on others (and ultimately ourselves) because we lack the internal compass – the values learned in failure, dedication and discipline and from riding the uneven ground of life’s journey that includes heart break, loss, gain and joy… sprinkled together.

Filed Under: Infidelity Help Tagged With: ,
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