Coping with the Affair: Loss of Control

March 29, 2009 by Leave a Comment

Coping with the affair often means dealing with the reality of losing some control… perhaps much control.

Your life is sent into a tailspin of confusion, fear, anger and pain.

Underneath this is often the thought that you no longer can control your present life or future.

Read how this reader responds to my survey:

1. List 3 or 4 meanings that your partner’s affair has for you. That is to say, what impact is the infidelity having upon YOU? For example, how has is changed what you think about? how you spend your time? how you think of yourself? etc? Tell a story or give examples of how your life is now different.

I have no life. I can’t seem to take care of basic needs that were so easy before. I’m not sure if it’s his intention, but I feel he’s in control of my life. We can’t have a discussion without it turning into an argument. All I wanted was the truth from him. His story about what happen. What he did with her. There are things I know. (I found), there are things he’s told me, and there are things he says. His story doesn’t make sense. I feel like I have pieces to a puzzle, and I can’t put it together. I don’t want to love him anymore. I want to live a basic life again. I wanted a chance to forgive him, and trust him If only he trusted me with the truth.

Filed Under: Infidelity Fears Tagged With: , ,

Infidelity and Toleration Awareness

December 6, 2008 by 1 Comment

I asked my Newsletter readers to list the top 5 things they tolerate or put up with as they face infidelity.

Writing down, putting a name on your turmoil and fears often is a beginning step in creating emotional distance from the pain and then initiating the process of eliminating those tolerations and beginning the infidelity healing journey.

Here are some responses to the question:

>>>>>secret ‘business’ relationship which is not only business; betrayal; insensitivity

>>>>>hiding the mobile phone late home seeing the guilt on his face when he comes home and has spoken to her making excuses to see her

>>>>>her leaving the house whenever she wants Locked cell phone Unwilling to talk Denial No sex

>>>>>1. I am tolerating him continuing to talk to his women he’s had past affairs with. One he emails and the second he continues to work with at his place of employement. 2. Dishonesty. 3. His lack of being able to be sincere or showing his ability to come across as remorseful. 4. Conversations that hurt my self-esteem that are mean or hurtful. 5. Staying in a relationship based on what has or I feel has become stagnant or detached and I simply live day to day in a life that seemingly has little if no meaning.

>>>>>lying, sex with others, cell phone, living in two separate states

Filed Under: Infidelity Fears Tagged With: ,

Infidelity and Charging Neutral: Your Emotional Energy

November 13, 2008 by 1 Comment

Charging neutral is all about your emotions. What are they? How do you express them? Where do you feel them? When do you begin to feel them? What do you do when you begin to feel them? What are the thoughts that accompany the feelings? What do you do with those thoughts? Is there another part of you that stands backs and knows your feelings are emerging? Can that part take action?

Aware of your emotional energy is vital in managing your feelings and fears, especially of being alone, when coping with infidelity.

Charging neutral is managing your emotions. Here’s an example:

1. Tell me your story. How have you used “Charging Neutral” and tell me exactly what happened?

I never knew that what I was doing was “charging neutral”. Thank you for putting a name to it and (very important) giving me more information about this. I never would have dreamed the implications of this behavior without your input. every time I read about this technique in your newsletters I am more and more empowered. My husband abandoned his affair a few months ago. The OP took a job 1000 km’s away. I think that this happened because I refused to react to their relationship. At the time she took the other job, the affair was already waning, but I think my calm stance (due to your ongoing advice, thank you) made her give up. There were many times I felt like confronting her or him, giving the affair my full-blown attention and all the emotional energy that goes along with a confrontation like that. Your emails stopped me. Thank you. It worked. My children were spared all the drama and upset., I was spared the sordidness of a fruitless confrontation. I know that i might have to face this at some other time, but charging neutral will help me through it again.

Filed Under: Infidelity Fears Tagged With: , ,
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