Letting Go of Old Resentments to Save the Marriage and Yourself

October 4, 2012 by Leave a Comment

There are plenty of people who go through their lives without really sorting out their problems and old resentments. They ignore the importance of resolving these problems before moving on with their lives, and downplay how these problems affect them.

This can be very evident in couples who are trying to patch things up in their marriage after infidelity. Couples who decide to “forget about everything and just start over” usually don’t go anywhere. In most cases, what happens is that all the old resentments and problems that they encountered in their past go with them to the new relationship they’re trying to build and it all happens all over again. When nothing is resolved, everything will remain the same even if you decide to let go of your past. This is what Stephen Covey meant when he said that “old resentments never die.”

It doesn’t even necessarily have to happen with the same person who you have problems with. There are those who are either separated or divorced from their spouses who take these old resentments with them in their new relationships with other people. Although the details or specifics are not exactly the same, there could be similarities with the circumstances that could be related specifically to the past.

So how do you stop yourself from hanging onto old resentments?

First of all, you need to identify what it is that makes you remember those problems and all the negative feelings associated with them. Whenever you start getting that bad feeling or are reminded of those old resentments, try to notice what it is that triggered it – who made it happen, when, and what events or circumstances led you to feeling that way? Identifying the problem is the first step to solving it. Look into yourself and try to get as specific as possible with regards to these triggers.

Once you know what those triggers and other details are, compare the differences of the circumstances of the past and the present. What happened in the past that created these problems and issues in you? Why are these old resentments bothering you now? Should they still be bothering you now? What’s different from now and then? Knowing the difference of what was in the past and what is in the present is a vital key in resolving these issues.

One more important thing that you have to deal with is to forgive the person who caused these issues and old resentments in the first place. You won’t ever be able to truly move forward with your life and into a new relationship if you continue to hold a grudge against the person who hurt you. Accept that all the things you went through with that person occurred and are a part of your life, and that you can’t change any of them. Learn from these experiences and forgive the ones that hurt you in any way. Only then will you be able to really let go of your old resentments and open yourself up to a new relationship and a new life.

Filed Under: After the Affair, Infidelity and Tolerations, Infidelity Coaching, Infidelity Decisions, Infidelity Help, Marriage Makeover, Recovery From Infidelity, Relationship Tips, Relationships: Marriage, Stopping the Affair, Surviving Infidelity Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Infidelity Barrier: Is It Just Men Who Are Afraid To Open Up?

October 2, 2012 by Leave a Comment

What is the most common infidelity barrier that affect marriages who are trying to rebuild their marriage after an extramarital affair?

It is the inability of one partner to open up and disclose how he or she is feeling regarding the extramarital affair, especially if he or she is the one who cheated. Most people think that with couples who are going through extramarital affair crises, men are the only ones who shy away from counseling or marital therapy, who are very partial to this infidelity barrier. And although this is the case most of the time, women can be as against it as men.

The reason behind this common belief is that men are generally known to keep their thoughts and feelings to themselves. They tend to cause this infidelity barrier more than women because they prefer to think things through and tend to solve their problems without having to talk about any of it. Women, on the other hand, are the known to be the complete opposite. They are seen as the gender that is very open about their feelings, who like talking about absolutely everything.

But the reality is that being open about your feelings or not has nothing to do with gender. People just handle their problems and feelings differently, and there will always be someone who is more open and talkative about the issues he or she is going through and someone who keeps things hidden inside. This infidelity barrier is what is referred to as polarization.

Marriage counseling is not as effective if you start attending sessions right after the discovery  of infidelity, which is why it is better to try to discuss and communicate with each other what you expect from one another before going into therapy. A great way to get over this infidelity barrier is to take some time to develop individual goals and goals for your relationship that you hope to accomplish and share them with one another.

The only way to get away from this “polarization” in your relationship is by acknowledging that it exists. You and your partner will not be able to effectively move forward from this infidelity barrier and heal the marriage unless you address this issue and find a way around it.

Filed Under: After the Affair, Infidelity and Tolerations, Infidelity Coaching, Infidelity Decisions, Infidelity Fears, Infidelity Help, Infidelity Impact, Marriage Makeover, Recovery From Infidelity, Relationship Tips, Relationships: Marriage, Stopping the Affair, Surviving Infidelity Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Save Your Marriage: Seven Tactics that will Stop the Affair (Pt. 2)

September 27, 2012 by Leave a Comment

So what are the seven tactics that will help you stop the affair? This second part of the two-part blog post will tell you the seven simple ways you can do to make sure that your husband or wife stops his or her affair, and save your marriage.

Doing these seven tactics to stop the affair will not be easy. The best way to proceed with this is to read through all of them, pick one that you think you will be most comfortable with and that you will be the easiest for you to try first. Once you’ve gotten that one down, try another tactic and practice it until you get comfortable with it. And continue going through the list one by one until you have all seven down to stop the affair.

Be happy, even if you have to fake it. Be a cheerful, positive person. Practice this attitude. Prepare yourself to behave this way, especially when you are around your husband or wife. If you aren’t feeling particularly cheerful or happy, then fake it. Act this way until you aren’t pretending any more. Act this way until you truly begin to feel happy and positive about your life again.

Do something. Find something you are interested in and do that. Discover new hobbies, new places, new activities. Go back to doing something you haven’t done in a long time. Rediscover some of the hobbies you’ve given up doing from your childhood. There are a lot of things you could try doing out there. Look for something you might like, and just do it. Getting your attention away from your husband  or wife’s infidelity is a simple way you can stop the affair.

Remember that no matter how hard things seem to be, or how much it seems that things will never be good again, remember that you will get through all this and that you will make it. Remind yourself of this every day. Every time you feel like everything is falling apart, tell yourself that you will be able to stop the affair and you will make it. When you feel the pain of your spouse’s affair, tell yourself that you will make it. Do not let yourself be defeated by something that is not your fault. Just remember those words: you will make it.

To stop the affair, when conversing with your husband or wife, make sure that your discussions are to-the-point, brief and direct. Discuss only the things that need to be addressed right at that moment, and do not go beyond that especially if he or she begins to talk about the drama of his or her affair, or how it is destroying him or her. When you can feel that your conversation is heading in that direction, firmly but calmly stop the affair conversation, say that you are not interested in discussing that certain topic and end the conversation.

Find the truth in what your spouse is saying and acknowledge it out loud. Don’t negate everything he or she says, especially if there is a little truth in it. The thing is to focus only on that little truth and acknowledge only that. This will help him or her see the truth in the things he or she is saying, as well. Your spouse will have a clearer view on the things he or she says, and will easily be able to identify which of it is the truth and which is not. This, in turn, will push towards the decision to stop the affair.

Make new friends, even that of the opposite sex. Surround yourself with people who make you feel good about yourself, who will listen to you and be honest with you, and who you trust. Meeting new people is not a tactic for you to get your spouse jealous. Your husband or wife’s feelings have nothing to do with you making new friends. You are doing this for yourself, to have a wider social circle that you can have for support. Not to make him or her jealous as a tactic to stop the affair, nor as revenge for your spouse’s affair.

Get healthy. Take better care of your body and of your health. Exercise more, and eat right. Practice healthy habits. Being more healthy and feeling good in your own body will help you feel good about yourself more.

Which of these tactics are you most comfortable with?

Choose one and start with it before going through the rest of the seven tactics to stop the affair and save your marriage.

Filed Under: After the Affair, Infidelity and Tolerations, Infidelity Coaching, Infidelity Decisions, Infidelity Fears, Infidelity Help, Infidelity Impact, Marriage Makeover, Recovery From Infidelity, Relationship Tips, Relationships: Marriage, Stopping the Affair, Surviving Infidelity Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
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