Infidelity Testimonials: Focusing on Getting Better After Infidelity

May 10, 2012 by 1 Comment

The following is a recap of an actual coaching session between Dr. Huizenga and a client who is going through an extramarital affair crisis.

This is what the client had to say about her situation with her husband who had had an affair:

My husband said that he wanted a divorce after I’d found out about his affair. He didn’t even really talk to me about it. He never gave me details of how it began and why it happened in the first place. He just left one day and didn’t so much as see me for over a month. I was absolutely crushed, thinking that my family –with our two children, who are seven and 18 months old, and our nephew who we take care of – was destroyed, and I am all they have left. Or at least that’s what it felt like. I know the affair wasn’t my fault and I had nothing to do with why it happened to begin with, so I just try to always focus on the positive and think of ways that I can myself better.

His affair happened while he was on active duty to support the war. He became involved with a married woman after he’d told her that he was divorced and that his wife left him. I think that’s why it hurt more — that he lied about our family and our marriage. Our family and friends were very much surprised over what happened, and clearly I am as well, but I am grateful that they are here to support me and I have to say that am stronger for it.

After hearing her situation, she asked what she can do to help herself move forward with her life and become stronger as an individual. Here are some of the suggestions that Dr. Huizenga gave her to work on:

1. Keep on working on self-improvement goals. Get a pen and paper and make a list of the things you want to achieve for yourself. Writing it down helps to make it more of a commitment and you will be able to track which ones you’ve already achieved.

2. Allow yourself time to grieve the loss of your marriage and the life you had with your husband. As important as it is for you to move forward with your life, there’s nothing wrong with taking a little break from time to time to remember that a relationship that was  once near and dear to your heart is no longer there.

3. Create a journal of your internal dialogue, focusing on the part of you that has negative thoughts and reflecting on what it is you think that this part of you wants. Understanding yourself — what you’re feeling and thinking — will be very helpful to you in making decisions for your future.

4. Continue leaning on your support system. The people around you will be the ones who will help pull you through this tough time in your life. Do not be afraid to depend on them every once in a while.

Going through an infidelity crisis is never easy, and you should be able to get all the help and support that you can. So do not be afraid to ask for it, especially when you are at a loss as to what to do next.

Filed Under: After the Affair, Confronting the Other Person, Infidelity and Tolerations, Infidelity Coaching, Infidelity Decisions, Infidelity Fears, Infidelity Help, Infidelity Impact, Infidelity Q&A, Infidelity Testimonials, Personal stuff, Recovery From Infidelity, Relationships: Marriage, Surviving Infidelity Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Infidelity Pain: Controlling Your Feelings Amidst an Affair Crisis

May 8, 2012 by 1 Comment

It’s never easy to control your feelings of infidelity pain when you discover that your partner is, or was, involved in an extramarital affair. Most of the time, you feel out of control and all over the place, and you never really know what you’re going to feel the next minute. This is one of the techniques that could help you in controlling your feelings.

First, get a timer of some kind, a notebook and a pen, and whenever you start having intense feelings or thoughts about your situation, find a quiet place where you can be alone. Next, set the timer for two minutes. In those two minutes, write down everything you are feeling and thinking. Don’t leave anything out. Let it all come out of you. When you feel pain or any kind of emotion, write it down – how painful it is, where it hurts and what triggers the pain. Don’t worry about the things you write. Just write all of it down. It is up to you what you do with what you wrote. You can shred it, burn it or throw it away. You decide.

When the two minutes are done, set aside the pen and notebook and say to yourself, “Alright, its time to set aside any feelings and thoughts for now, and focus on other responsibilities. There will be time for you later.” Whenever you start feeling this way again, repeat the whole process.

Although this technique may not be for you, or if you see that it isn’t something you see yourself doing or you aren’t comfortable doing it, you don’t have to worry. It is perfectly okay and is nothing to fret about. There are plenty of other techniques that you find from different books or other relationship blogs that you can try. Just because this particular exercise doesn’t work well for you like it does for others, it doesn’t mean that every exercise won’t work. Be patient in trying to look for a technique that works, or better yet, you can develop one yourself.

 

Filed Under: After the Affair, Infidelity and Tolerations, Infidelity Coaching, Infidelity Decisions, Infidelity Fears, Infidelity Help, Infidelity Impact, Personal stuff, Recovery From Infidelity, Relationships: Marriage, Surviving Infidelity Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Marriage and Relationships: Romance is Not What It Used To Be

April 26, 2012 by Leave a Comment

One of the biggest factors that causes affairs in marriage and relationships, especially that of the “I fell out of love… and just love being in love” type, is romance. And here are some of the reasons why:

1. People use romance as a way for them to meet their personal needs. They want to be acknowledged, to be cared for, to feel special, to feel like they are important and so on, so they look for someone who will do that. Romance should not be used as a tool to feel somewhat validated. Letting it lead you and the decisions you make will only take you from one person to the next without any satisfaction.

2. Romance has become idealized in movies, books, TV shows and other things like that as the ultimate experience in intimate relationships. It is depicted as the basis of a strong and lasting relationship, the basis in choosing the person you should be with. They show beautiful people in a beautiful relationship, and who wouldn’t want to have that?

3. Romance is a way for people to feel good – about their life, about themselves – and they expect to feel good whenever they pursue romance. They want that high you get when you’re with someone new and they expect it to last, but it never does because their basis for being with that person is for an immediate fix instead of a lifetime goal.

4. And lastly, romance is an excuse that a lot of people use for sex. Having chemistry with someone doesn’t indicate that you two should have sex, it doesn’t even mean that you should be together, but most people would see this chemistry as a “spark” that should be pursued and so they pursue it.

Romance has lost its true meaning mostly because we use it as an excuse to satisfy our immediate wants and desires. If you want true romance, look into yourself and be more aware of the things that bring you real happiness and accept yourself for who and what you are.

Filed Under: Infidelity and Tolerations, Infidelity Fears, Infidelity Help, Infidelity Humor, Infidelity Impact, Infidelity in the Media, Infidelity Statistics and Tidbits, Marriage Makeover, Relationship Tips, Relationships: Marriage Tagged With: , , , , , ,
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