Infidelity and a History of Sexual Abuse

July 7, 2009 by 2 Comments

Affair # 6 in my ebook is: “I Need to Prove My Desirability.”

Such an affair often emerges when a person has a history of sexual abuse.

Read this case study of how the identification of this type of affair helped this couple:

1. How has this E-course helped you change the way you feel, think and act as you face infidelity. Give examples, if you can.

It helped me fully understand that its not my fault. While I contributed to the failed marriage in many ways, the real problem is with my spouse. Funny, we naturally tended to follow your course of action, no counseling, no church, etc. We worked on our marriage and broke down the communication barriers. It has been almost a year now. The biggest breakthrough was identifying the type of affair. It explained it all to both of us, and really helped my wife seek a path of healing. She’s very broken from childhood sex abuse by her father. I knew about it at the very beginning of our relationship, however I had no idea how it could or would impact us.

2. What unanswered questions do you have at this point as you cope with infidelity?

I still have pain in the memory, not sure how to deal with that. I still don’t trust even though she has shown to be trustworthy. But she did it twice with an 8 year span between. I don’t know how to tell if she’s needing outside stimulus again, or if she will seek an emotional connection with someone else. She is the type 6 affair – “I need to prove my desirability”. Her father ruined her self esteem. The biggest growth came when she made a decision not to be a victim any more, but to be a survivor.

Filed Under: Extramarital Affair Types Tagged With:

An Example of the “I Need to Prove My Desirability Affair”

May 19, 2009 by 1 Comment

The “I Need to Prove My Desirability Affair” can take many twists and turns.

The affair often occurs in early 40s when the old ways of coping with the pain and shame break down or lose their grip over a person.

The Affair defies reason. It arises out of long held beliefs and stored memories that haunt.

Case Study:

My story, like most stories is slightly different my husband suffered from some kind of silent mental break down. During this time he had a relationship with a neighbor. This neighbor was an unbelievably cruel lady who used threats, intimidation and violence to get her own way. Why did he allow this to happen? When he was 5 years old he was abused by a neighbor. The only way the 5 year old could cope with the trauma and feelings he felt was to suppress all of it. This worked for 35 years, although he was haunted by things he did not understand and had constant nightmares. This self protection mechanism worked until our neighbor approached and found that she could easily get her way. Anyway this went on for 15 months until it was exposed. Once exposed the great weight was lifted from my husband. He started therapy and was at last able to deal with his past. We have moved to a new house and we are still together. Although i do understand how this happened – for my husband part of the journey he had to take to get where he is today. He is happy and content. I do feel let down and hurt that our relationship and strength did not override all these other feelings and issues he was dealing with. I am very cautious and the trust that used to be 100% is not so strong now. I have good days and very weak days.

Filed Under: Extramarital Affair Types Tagged With: , , ,

Infidelity and Its Impact

May 9, 2009 by 1 Comment

Infidelity impacts your world. Your world, your relationships, how you view yourself will NEVER be the same. But, hey, that’s not all bad. We are always growing, always evolving and often infidelity accelerates that process.

Read what others say about the impact of infidelity on their lives”

1. List 3 or 4 meanings that your partner’s affair has for you. That is to say, what impact is the infidelity having upon YOU?

Even though I know the affair is not my fault, I think about ways I could make myself better. I continue to try and push away the negative and think about what positive has come out of this. Weird thing to say but I can breathe easier knowing that some positive things have come of this. My life is completely different, my husband has decided after 45 days of me finding out and not seeing or speaking to me about anything that he wants a divorce. Needless to say I was absolutely crushed, my family is destroyed or feels that way, we have two children of our own and my nephew who we are guardians for. Our son is 7 and our daughter is 18 mos old. All of a sudden, the dream I thought we both were striving to achieve was on pause while he was put on active duty to support the war. Instead I find that he had an affair with a married woman who has four children, he didn’t even cheat right, he told her he was divorced that his wife, whom he still loved left him. I am torn inside in a way that I have never felt before. Our friends and family were surprised but I wasn’t and that is the part that hurts. Through this I have found faith to help me through the rough days and family and friends support is always good. I spend my time trying to stay busy

Trust has been broken and it will never be the same. I know that at some point he will earn my trust back but it will never be the same level. This whole experience has taught me to think about my needs, think of the ways that the relationship has been unfulfilling for me and asking for what I want. It helped me find out about boundaries and how to figure out which boundaries I needed to set up. I just defend my space more I guess. If I find out that he is having another affair, it would be easier for me to accept the truth and walk away, rebuild my life because I spent enough time on myself and figured out what I want and who and what my sources of support are. I am interested in learning more about identifying and breaking the barriers that keep us from making an authentic and lasting connection. I think at the bottom of all barriers there is FEAR. How do we get over the fear to reach out and connect? My husband says I always have bad timing for these conversations. I feel very much like I am an invisible wife when we are together. We are just polite to each other. “Moving on” for him is to bury the past. I think it’s easier for the offender to bury the past. I have to say, there was more passion and more sex between us when the affair was going on because we really talked all the time about our feelings. Once he stopped the relationship, he avoids talking about his feelings and if I want to have this kind of intimacy with him, the door is “shut”. Sex is very blah because I feel invisible. It’s almost as if every move he makes to get close to me ( a hug, a kiss ) is very tentative, not really coming from a place of intimacy but it is more like a surface stroke.

Filed Under: Extramarital Affair Types, Infidelity Impact Tagged With: , ,
« Previous Page
Next Page »