Marital Infidelity: Confronting the Other Person – She Dropped Him

August 8, 2008 by 2 Comments

She dropped him like a hot potato.

This is another real life story as we study and research the question of confronting the other person.

Good idea? Bad idea?

Check this one out and my comments following:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

Purpose to get her to stop all contact with my husband and refuse his phone calls and emails. She was Chinese, half his age and he saw her on business trips to Asia (which he extended) and spoke to her almost every day over the internet. I found out they met in foreign cities when she was supposed to be on business for her company. I also found out that she told him she could never tell her father about him. I called her (got her phone number from his phone log) and told her that if she had any further contact with him I would call her boss and tell him that when he thought she was on business for him she was really meeting a western, married man twice her age(I found out the name of her company and the head of it) and that I would tell her father, too (this I could not do in reality). I DID NOT TELL MY HUSBAND THAT I DID THIS

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

She dropped him like a hot potato. I know he kept trying to contact her for awhile and finally gave up.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

I would have done it sooner. I learned not to be passive, afraid or intimidated; to act strong and forceful even when you are scared inside, to project an image of confidence.

Coach’s comment:

I suspect that he was engaged in an “I Don’t want to Say No” affair. The two of them (he and the other person) had, it appears, a relationship that would always maintain its emotional distance. Was he a player? Was she a player? Probably. T

his was a shrewd move on the spouse’s part to contact the other person.

Why? She knew that the other person feared what her father (authority figure) would think/do. And, of course this meant she might be petrified of her boss’s response.

I would be concerned that he might find another “emotionally distant” person to hook up with.

But, isn’t it good that the wife discovered some of her strength and power? I wonder what would happen if she told her husband exactly what she did and implied, “You better watch out. I’m not putting up with any more crap from you!”

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Infidelity: Confronting the Other Person

August 6, 2008 by Leave a Comment

We are researching questions related to confronting the other person. Should you? When? Under what conditions? Those sort of questions. I’ve asked for input from my readers with 3 specific questions.

Here are the answers to the three questions, in which this person found the confrontation very helpful to bring about closure. My comments follow:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

To bring closure for me and in a way i had hoped that she would reply with remorse and apologies. I e-mailed her as it made it less personal. I let my husband read the letter before i sent it and we both agreed for it to be sent.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

She was incredibly sorry and apologetic. I got the feeling that she meant everything she said and her words and apologies were very heart-felt.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

I would do it just the same. For me the outcome was very conclusive. There were absolutely no harsh words from iether of us and in a strange way i felt an amazing connection with her after our correspondence.

Coach’s comment: I would guess this would be an “I Need to Prove my Desirability” affair or perhaps, “I Want to be Close to Someone…but can’t stand intimacy. Note the lack of drama. Or perhaps there was drama, but all parties were able to stand back, make some shifts and growth and moved through their neediness. What do you think? Also note the mutual agreement by both spouses to send the letter. Sounds like they were both on the same page – which takes away much of the game playing.

Learn how to Break Free From the Affair.

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Confronting the Other Person: Taking a Stand

August 2, 2008 by 1 Comment

I’ve asked my readers and coaching clients to tell their story of confronting the other person. 3 questions guide them:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

To show I intend to fight for this relationship, and I wasn’t just going to “fade away” in order to minimize and diminish the severity of their actions. That I was an integral part of the “3-some”. And by standing back and saying nothing, that action to me was somehow condoning and minimizing it’s importance.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

The “other woman” was able to gain sympathy from my “husband-the cheater”. I was once again the bitchy-nasty wife. My husband comforted and somehow empathized with “her.”

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

I would not do it one-on-one with the other person. I would confront the other woman together with my husband to reinforce that support and togetherness. There would NOT be any “she said, OW said, he told me, etc.”

Comments from the Coach:

1. It is vitally important to move out of the passive “victim” role.

2. Confronting the OP alone can open a can of worms – he said…she said.

3. If you don’t have the support of your spouse in a mutual confrontation, confront them both – if possible.

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