Confronting the Other Person: Check Alliances First

March 20, 2009 by Leave a Comment

I’ve read several instances where it was helpful to confront the other person if first there was some level of self disclosure by the cheating spouse about the affair. In other words, the cheating spouse was perhaps beginning to shift allegiance from the other person to the spouse.

If there is no self disclosure by the cheating spouse, and none can be elicited, it’s doubtful that confronting the other person will be helpful.

This scenario points to this fact:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

I found out my partner was having the affair with her and couldnt get any answers from him. I just had to know what was happening.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

It did no good whatsoever and they carried on seeing each other to the point where I told him to leave. He did and has lived with her for two and a half years. It broke my heart.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

If only there was a chance to handle it all differently. I would have not told him to leave and tried to weather it. It may have burned out by itself. I just lost control and didnt think at all and just reacted very badly and now there is no chance ever to be with him.

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Confronting the Other Person: Using a Script

March 13, 2009 by 1 Comment

Scripting what you will say is vitally important in confronting the other person.

A large percentage of my infidelity coaching with individuals is just that… developing a script that will say powerfully and without reactivity (charging neutral) the truth of the situation.

And, I firmly believe that that truth will set free and unclog the channels of deception, lies and secrets.

Now, the script that one forms, what is said, is dependent on the type of affair. The script crafts articulately that which will have the most power in the intervention.

Here’s an example of what I’m talking about:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

My purpose for confronting the other woman, after my husband’s earlier affair, was closure for myself. I had to show both her and myself that i could be the “bigger” person. I told her that what they did was wrong, extremely wounding to our family, but that I was going to stay with my husband, since he ended the affair and confessed to me, and learn what forgiveness meant. I also told her that I was going to forgive her FOR MYSELF, whether or not she deserved it.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

I did just that, and did it well, although I must admit to feeling a little victory as I saw the surprise and a bit of fear on her face when she saw me walk into their office.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

I learned that a script is a MUST for confrontation. (I had one.) The injured spouse’s motives for confrontation must be clear and the script must fit those motives. No attacking-that will just set the OP in his belief that you are all the bad things your betraying spouse said about you to the OP. I will not confront my husband’s current OW. He has chosen her over me, filed for divorce, and I see no use in confronting. I still have to work on forgiving them both, if only for my own sake, but there has been no expression of remorse or indication of a turn-around after two years involvement.

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Confronting the Other Man and Wife: Driven

March 8, 2009 by Leave a Comment

This real-time story is laced with a powerful determination. The cheated upon husband “sets up” the other man and confronts his own wife with the evidence. He also shares the evidence with the op’s wife.

Please note the almost desperation and single minded focus of this wounded man.

Did he stop the affair? Sounds like it.

What happened to his marriage? We don’t know. He was on a mission and accomplished his mission,but we are left wondering about the aftermath.

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

Purpose was to discover and stop the affair with strong evidence. What i did was create a false sense of security for him, which he fell for in a matter of minutes. I then requested he contact me (as in me pretending to be my wife) which he did. From there, many truths were learned. Later that day, I took her cellphone with me for a business meeting. This in itself caused panic whereby she attempted to contact him for several hours. There is alot more to it, however this is pretty much the core of it.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

After discovering they were found out, there was no inclination or intention to come forward with the truth. After 24 hours, I had collated my evidence and approached her with it. It was here that a confession (per se) was put forward. These were all lies regardless as the evidence spoke for itself. From there an ultimatum was given to him to tell his wife what he had done. He refused to do so even though he continued to feign that he did. He had abandoned my wife altogether and pretended she did not exist. He wouldn’t return my/her calls and responded to emails with one liners full of guilt. After tracking his wife down, she was advised by me of his activities with my wife. His own wife left him after that.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

I learned that emotions can drive one to do incredible things. I would have allowed the game to be played out for a little longer, as this would have given me more of an insight into how/what my wife had really thought of our marriage. This was a culmination of many different “types” of affairs, however for him, he only saw it as harmless fun. In fact these were the words he told his wife.

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