Confronting the Other Woman: Beware of the Stalker

April 5, 2009 by Leave a Comment

The first question to ask when confronting the other person: “What am I dealing with?”

In this case study, the other woman initiated the contact with the wounded spouse – with much venom and hostility.

Why would someone do this? To break up the marriage? Possibly. To project rage? Possibly? To force the cheating husband’s hand? Possibly. Because s/he was high? Possibly.

If you feel a need to “fight for your turf” beware of the potential for escalation and nastiness. You don’t want to find yourself in the middle of this game.

Also, do a strict evaluation of your cheating husband’s mental health. Is he in any way colluding with the hostility of the other woman? If so, be extremely careful.

In the scenario below the wounded spouse set some firm boundaries (I will call the police) which worked. The other woman backed down.

And then, the wounded spouse decided to pursue. Wise? I wouldn’t recommend it. Takes too much energy and has too many risks. Why give her all that power?

On the other hand, the wounded spouse had the alliance of her husband, which gave her more ammunition (and safety) in the confrontation.

If you do not have the alliance of your cheating husband, don’t go anywhere near this confrontation.

Case Study:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

The other person was calling my cell phone and home phone and would not give her name, but told me she was “f888ing my husband for three years!” She had previously left unintelligible messages on my cell phone, saying I was stupid and ugly! I told her I would find out who she was and hoped that it was good with my husband. I also told her if she kept calling, I would contact the police. No more phone calls. After going through cell phone bill and saw her number and found out who she was, I called her. I wanted to let her know that she was a dumb ass and she was a fool to mess with some one as intelligent as me.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

I confronted my husband first and he confirmed who she was. I knew her, she had babysat out older kids when they were 3 and 5. Our kids were 17 and 19 at the time of the outing of the affair. After contacting her, she hung up on me, because she was scared that I found out who she was. I had thrown my husband and all of his belongings out of the house and I called her again, telling her she could have his sorry ass! She did not say anything. I then told her, if she ever called my house again and speak with one my children, she had spoke to my daughter, I would beat her ass! Never heard from her again and that was three years ago on 7/10/08. My husband and I separated for 1 1/2 months and when we reconciled, I wrote the other person a letter. I showed this letter to my husband. I let her know that she had only a small piece of my husband temporarily and that I felt sorry for her and not to hate me because I was beautiful! I also, let her know that she was of no significance in our lives and that there was no need to reply, because as far as we were concerned, she did not exist.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

I would have still called her, but I would not have told her she could have my husband. I said that in anger! Everything else I did, I am proud of. If the other person had not contacted me first, I would not have called her. She opened up that door and invaded my space. So, I felt I had the right to confront her. I learned not to make the affair about the other person. My husband was accountable for everything and held him responsible, not the other person. No way was I going to make her feel like she played some significance in my relationship with my husband. Too many windows had been opened before and it was time to close all of them! I directed all anger of the affair towards my husband and not the other person. As far as I was concerned she was just a fleck of dust, not important.

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Confronting the Other Woman: Protect those Children

April 1, 2009 by Leave a Comment

The scenario below describes the despicable behavior of the other woman contacing the children of the cheating husband and sharing intimate information with them.

This behavior displays the arrogance, insensitivity and pathology of the other person. (Strong feelings and opinions here. Playing affair games within the triangle of wounded spouse, cheating husband and other woman is predictable and understandable, to a degree, but engaging the children crosses some powerful boundaries.)

Read how the wounded spouse handles this:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

The other woman contacted my 2 teenage daughters and told them everything, told them that thier father didn’t love me anymore, told them all the lies that my husband told her to make what he was doing okay. Told my children that I had been with other men. etc. When I did confront her I charged neutral and she told me all the dirty detail. Which I don’t know what is true or not.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

Because I was cool when I spoke with her, she seemed to think I was her best friend. After I got enough info from her, I told I her she could have him and that I wasn’t interested in talking to her or my spouse again. That was over 2 months ago and I have no desire to speak with her. I don’t know if my spouse still sees her as he is living with his mother right now. He is very mixed up and cries every time we talk. He still hasn’t come clean and I have no intention of trying to work it out until he does. He says he wants his family back, but doesn’t know how to do it. Because my daughters were contacted by the op, they are bitter.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

I wouldn’t have done it differently, because the timing was right. I got some information from her that I wasn’t getting from my spouse, I learned that he was lying to the op. as much as he was lying to me. It gave me that chance to tell her not to involve my daughters. and made realize that she was a loser.

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Out of the Victim Role with the Confrontation

March 30, 2009 by Leave a Comment

The discovery of infidelity often sends the wounded spouse into a tailspin thinking and believing s/he is a victim. And, beyond that, s/he often has a fantasy life of them having this perfect, hot, wonderfully romantic relationship. This exacerbates the victim beliefs.

Carrying these beliefs leads to what some people call depression. The fantasies grind and exist as an obsession about him/her and the other person. No release exists for the thoughts. They are internalized and demand energy.

The person below found that confronting the other woman lifted her “depression.” The confrontation served two purposes: 1. It externalized the energy; she felt emotional relief – the depression lifted. 2. The fantasies about the other person are derailed. Often putting a voice or picture to the person injects some reality and the obsessions of perfection and power cool.

Here is what she says:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

I confronted the OP because my obsession with her was really out of control. When I spoke to her, I released a lot of negative feelings which were weighing me down to be honest.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

The outcome of the phone call I made, was that once I had spoken to her, and released a lot of negative feelings, it felt as though a weight had been lifted from my shoulders, the obsession ceased, and I have never felt the desire to speak to her again. While I was advised by many not to make the phone call, I am glad I did. It was a turning point for me, I could let go of the unhealthy obsession I had with her. That is not to say, that I don’t still have thoughts about her at all.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

I don’t think I would do it differently, the call I made served a purpose for me, and I was able to channel my thoughts away from her, and back to where it should be, at my marriage. I do not feel that I empowered her, although I realise some may argue this point.

Filed Under: Confronting the Other Person Tagged With: , ,
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