Confronting the Teacher – Student “Affair”

April 9, 2009 by 1 Comment

You read about it in the newspapers rather frequently, the student – teacher affair. They are obviously extremely messy when made public.

At their core, this affair may fall into the “I Need to Prove My Desirability” type of affair. Long standing patterns of thinking, welded together by past sexual trauma of some nature (usually buried in the unconscious) create a scenario in which a young man in this case, becomes a powerful trigger for emotions.

I could go further here and there are more reasons for such an affair, but let’s leave it at that.

The important consideration here is the action of the husband in intervening.

In the affair triangle there is a persecutor or aggressor (the wife in this case) the victim (the young man) and the rescuer (the husband, in this case.)

Charging neutral usually means that the wounded spouse refuses to play any of those roles. The wounded spouse may make direct, reality oriented statement and strongly declare his/her position but avoid the other roles since those roles tend to perpetuate the “affair game.”

However, in the case below, it is important that the wounded husband take a strong role in intervening in the affair. This is done to minimize the hurt and pain of all parties and get the intensive help needed for his cheating wife. He is not only protecting the young man (who is in a position of powerlessness) but offering to his wife the possibility for healing… if she will take it.

Here’s the case study:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

This was a high school student (21 – older than normal) that my wife taught for 4 years and fell in love with. I confronted him a year ago when I first knew something was amiss, before I had known it was already physical, and asked him as one man to another to stay away and allow my wife and I to reconnect. I reasoned with him that would he want his girlfriend to have another male as a “best friend.” I was encouraged to confront him by my Bishop–the young man needed to know that he was affecting the lives of five children. It was by phone. He felt bad, terminated the relationship–but about 6 weeks later my wife pursued and “tempted” him to start it back up again (she was massively emotionally attached). I spoke with him another time, after I read the first e-mail that confirmed–to my horror–that a LOT more was happening that I ever suspected (motels every week, leaving school early to go to a motel, meeting behind the Home Depot, etc., etc.). He denied it completely but I plead with him to stay away. He did, for about 6 weeks. The next confrontation was by phone when my wife stayed in a motel for a week during valentines week to “sort things out.” I came by the night before she was to return to make sure she felt welcome just as he was entering her motel room with a key. I was very upset and my wife talked with me in the hall and he slipped out the window (bottom floor). I then called him and pleaded with him to stay away. He was belligerent (for the first time), suggested we “fight for her,” and said she was pursuing him. I even mentioned I would tell his folks, he just didn’t care. Things went up an down. I took my wife and kids to Hawaii to get away–she stayed away for six weeks. This summer I took my wife and two older boys to Paris and London. Two weeks afterward, I suspected she was going to see him (she has lived in her own apt for 4 months) so I went over to talk with her. I checked her window to ensure she was awake, but saw she was dressed down in a teddy and putting on perfume. I moved away and was just trying to figure out how I proceed when the kid showed up sneaking around the back before I even got to the door. In this case I approached him, he smiled at me and then pushed me when I got close (last time I met him I just put my arm around him (I am 25 years older) and pulled him aside to talk. I could have called the police or let him take a shot at me like it appeared he would do. So, I figured he had initiated it and I decked him (really hard). When he got up he started running and I ran after him (been working on a marathon to remove the stress). He finally got away (lucky for me–he’s a bigger kid). My wife “found me” as I was walking back to my car and convinced me to talk. I told her it was time for a divorce and painted the terrible picture of what was going to happen (as a teacher of this kid her consequences were not just divorce). She finally knew that I had had enough and was throwing in the towel to our 17 years and five kids (who she would loose). She called me the next morning and finally confessed everything that had ever happened. She couldn’t believe her life and what she had become and that she was crying all night. She then proposed a reconciliation plan which included getting rid of her cell, moving back in, and affair proofing her marriage. She also went to our Bishop (LDS) and confessed everything to get it out into the light. That was 1 1/2 weeks ago. Today she said to bring the van over to pick up her furniture from the apartment. It will be a LONG and difficult road back… if we make it. But this is the first step in a year long battle of my life. There are dynamics I don’t understand. One confident was proud of me and said she finally saw her husband as her protector again–knowing she was about to do something really bad and being saved just before she did it. The kid may have also just told her he had had enough and I got her back out of default. I am still scared to death and am cautious with each step–but this is what I have waited for… just the chance. We’ll see what happens. In the meantime, I am still holding to the changes I made when I realized the problems in my marriage so I am a different person for her to come back to (I wasn’t “bad” but I worked too many hours, had to many hobbies not in common, didn’t do my fair share with the kids and would get angry (cold, not violent) when she was cold to me. Now I charge forward neutral, discover her needs and meet them, and try to stay positive in this mess. We’ll see…

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

She is back in our home

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

I did everything I could imagine using several different approaches. I would not do anything different except maybe “chase” this kid away sooner and give her a chance to go through all the withdrawals enough to get her sanity back.

Filed Under: Confronting the Other Person Tagged With: ,

Found Warts in Confonting the Other Woman – Brings Closure

April 7, 2009 by Leave a Comment

A common theme in contacting the other woman is: “What does she look like?”

I’m struck by the power of the images we form of the other woman, without actually seeing the other woman.

She’s beautiful? Right? She’s charming? Right? She’s sexy and seductive? Right? She’s a great conversationalist? Right? She has great taste? Right? She’s intelligent? Right? She’s got big boobs? Right? She’s skinny? right?

I suppose we could go on.

But, guess what? The other woman has warts. Believe it. She does. They are there. They MUST be there. She is no better, no worse, than you or anyone else.

Here’s my hope for the human race: We could all have images in our minds of who people truly are… human beings struggling to find their ways, sometimes succeeding in finding their ways, but all with warts, all with doubts, all with fears (except sociopaths… and watch out there) all imperfect bodies, all incapable at times of reaching the orgasm, and all doing stupid and silly things that bring shame and remorse.

Doesn’t that feel better? Don’t you feel better knowing that? Don’t you have less need to compare yourself to others, to not blame and judge and have no need then, to discover their warts?

Confronting the Other woman is often a powerful drive to find those warts.

Case Study:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

it was an affair that started on the internet and my husband never knew her before. he never found out her last name or where exactly she lived. there were very few details they shared with each other . he broke it off with her before i ever found out he was having an affair. but he still talked to her on the phone for 5 more months, always refusing to see her. he said he had started something because our marriage was failing after 30 years. we did truly stop valuing one another, but i never ever could believe he could ever cheat. he did not seem capable. he never changed anything. he was totally decieving me for 9 months while he met her in rest areas and parks, because they were keeping it anonymous. when i found out, all i had was her cel phone, which led to a dead end. he did not care if i found her. he just didnt think i could. he changed his number and i texted her to change hers and she did. they never communicated once after i found out. just totally stopped, but he told me it had been over already for the 5 months since he had seen her. i do not know why he kept calling her, except that he told me she always said nice things to him, and when i would be screaming at him, it wouldnt bother him as much because he had somewhere else to call(go). but he always knew it was wrong. the reason he stopped seeing her was because they met on his boat once. she got on without panties on and he said she was always the aggressive one sexually. he had sex with her one time, that day. on our boat. and he stopped it then. i felt i had to talk to her. to see what she looked like. i could not go on. i spent 4 months pursing how to find her. it is amazing, the story how i did it, but i did. i called a number, it turned out to be her. she at first denied she had an affair with him. that they were only friends. she was now scared because i had her. i knew the address to go with the home number. we talked for 30 minutes. she asked me what i wanted from her, she said she had changed her cell number like i asked and that it had been over for a long time. i said, for her, but not for me. i said i wanted her to apologize, which she did. among other things, i told her i needed to she her. she refused, so i showed up on her doorstep one afternoon. she came to the door. she was an ugly, fat hag, and smugly, i stood there staring at her, while she begged me to leave, that she would call the police, that it was over. i just stood there smiling. then i walked to my car, got in and laughed.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

my counselor said she noticed that i was better after that. i felt it was closure in some way. he is so sorry about the affair and yes, it is true, we are learning to love, respect and honor one another like never before. i have learned that i could not treat my husband like an object ,a slave. he was not perfect either, and realizes that both of us were giving the other reason to build up walls.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

i wish i asked her about what happened. more. but she seemed to be a compulsive liar so it probably wouldn’t have made much difference at all. i do find myself still wishing to find out more of what she is like. he does not want to know her, and i have seen his attitude change over the last 7 months since i found out, to see her for what she was. he knows he was using her, too. he took so long to let go because he felt bad that she had become attached to him, and he did not want to continue to relationship. we are going to a great counselor, and are doing well. i sent her a letter since then, and a book, by beth moore, “get out of that pit” because i know she is a hurting individual and if she ever knew how bad i have been hurt,i have not had one day in 7 months without tears, maybe she will never do it to another person.

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Confronting the Other Woman Out of Curiosity

April 6, 2009 by Leave a Comment

Some have a burning desire to know about the affair and information about the other person. Some have absolutely no need to know, would prefer not to go there at all.

This case study reflects the person who wants to know. She wanted to know why this happened to her and her marriage after 27 years. Hopefully from this emerges personal growth and a deeper understanding about personal needs and the nature of relationships.

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

To gather information about the nature of the affair. To satisfy my curiosity as to what kind of person was able to ensnare my husband as he was unable to end his attachment, at the time, and was choosing to be with her and end our 27 year marriage.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

The first time I called the other woman the discussion was brief. She was surprised I knew her name and how to contact her. She asked me to call the next day as she was busy. I agreed and thanked her for her time. She immediately called my husband and he then asked me not to contact her again. I agreed. Five months later, my marriage was apparently at its end because my husband was, “too attached,” to end his affair, so I called the other woman again. She was very indignant and self righteous as if she was the wronged party. After initially refusing to talk she began to open up to refute several claims my husband had made about their affair. She asked for my email address to send “proof” that her rendition was more accurate. I hoped to receive the emails but a few days later (after I left a voicemail message restating my email address in case she took it down incorrectly) she sent a rudely worded email, and cc’d my husband, telling me how special the affair was to both her and my husband and that the emails they shared were none of my business and telling both of us not to contact her again. She called my husband a spineless coward, apparently referencing his inability to divorce me for her. My husband’s attempts, at that time, to restart their affair for a third time were rebuffed. He told her that I was just angry at her because he had just told me that he still had feelings for her, which was an amazing demonstration of his ability to lie and try to turn a bad situation around to his advantage (it didn’t work; she dumped him).

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

When I contacted her the second time, I thought my marriage was over so my objective was to learn everything I could to understand how this could happen to me after 27 yrs. of a very good, happy marriage and raising four sons. I was completely incredulous and could not rest until I tried the last (and most promising) source of information on the affair (the other woman). I think my approach was very tactful and disarming for her because she seemed to have had no intention of talking to me but found herself telling all. I learned several very significant details which my husband had lied about-he claimed his lies were to protect me and our marriage, but it’s apparent he just didn’t want to face up to the truth of how awful he was. The information I learned led to further disclosures by my husband, which I wanted. Significantly, I wouldn’t have believed my husband’s inital reaction of siding with the other woman, if I hadn’t seen it. He was furious at me and didn’t care about my feelings at all. All he cared about was the other woman’s feelings. He thought I attacked her and called her names to hurt her, which sounds unbelieveable as if he didn’t know what kind of person I am at all. His first words to me were, “our marriage is over!” Later, in small part because I wanted to test his loyalty, I sent a letter to the other woman’s employer to complain about her seducing my husband while on the job (she’s a flight attendant who asked my husband to take her out while allegedly “working” a nine hour international flight he was on; and I included other highly significant and relevant complaints). I assumed she would contact my husband about it and I could then see his reaction. Unfortunately, she didn’t contact him and I never learned how he would have truly reacted. When I later told him about it, he claimed he had no feelings for her and would agree to what ever I wanted done to keep us in reconciliation.

Filed Under: Confronting the Other Person Tagged With: , ,
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