Infidelity and Anger: The Power of Charging Neutral

November 10, 2008 by Leave a Comment

I’ve been doing much research on what someone facing infidelity tolerates in an extramarital affair.

How one deals with those tolerations and stops putting up with so much hinges on a skill I teach called: Charging Neutral.

Here’s a great example:

1. Tell me your story. How have you used “Charging Neutral” and tell me exactly what happened?

It has been about two months since I found out about my husbands six month affair. At first I was really angry and went through a lot of different stages to get to where I am now. I began “charging Neutral” and didn’t even realize it. My husband and I talk a lot now, almost everyday about the affair. I feel no hate, malice or anger to him or the op for what has happened now. In the beginning I felt I needed to prove that I was the better choice but I quickly realized I didn’t need to do that because he would not have come home if he didn’t believe this himself. He now feels free to talk about anything he remembers at anytime and knows that i’ll not get angry or feel hurt because this is something that has already happened and he already acknowledges he completely hurt and disrespected me in the worst way so it doesn’t need to be said anymore. I quite agree it is one of the best ways in beginning to heal even if we find we can’t stay in the marriage anymore we will at least be friends again. And that’s important for the kids.

Please remember that using charging neutral also depends to a great extent on the kind or type of extramarital affair facing you.

Filed Under: Infidelity Help Tagged With: , ,

Confronting a Cheating Husband with Charging Neutral

November 9, 2008 by Leave a Comment

Here’s another case study of how a woman facing infidelity and confronting her cheating husband used “Charging Neutral” to take control of her circumstances and enhance movement toward resolution:

1. Tell me your story. How have you used “Charging Neutral” and tell me exactly what happened?

I told him he had to leave and enforced it. I told him I would not tolerate infidelity and an extramarital affair. I told him to make sure he used protection with his mistress unless he wanted to pay for an unexpected child. I told him, all in a calm and strong voice, that he had six months to figure out his “confusion,” but that I would always be his friend because of our children. I sent him reasonable apartments to rent. I told him therapy could help him decide and that I too was going. I joined a gym, got busy with friends and night classes, and took some weekends away to visit friends. I did not always answer his call or be at home when he came to pick up belongings, but explained it was because I was too angry to see him. He was begging to come back home within three weeks. It was over within two months. The times I “charged neutral” were 100 times more effective than the times I lost control in changing our situation. And it made me feel so much better, more in control, of my life and the devastating situation I was in.

Filed Under: Infidelity Help Tagged With: ,

Confronting the Other Man: Last Nail in the Marriage Coffin

November 7, 2008 by Leave a Comment

When confronting the other man, be prepared for what you might find if you suspect betrayal. Read this case study:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

First my wife asked me to divorce without telling me she was having an affair with someone, and giving me no real reason to divorce. Because of respect to her will, even if ill used, I said OK, feel free to go. Then, some days later, I learned by my own means there was an OP, and who the OP was. Then I wanted to know if both were serious about their affair and did intend to turn it into a lasting relationship. I loved my wife deeply and was afraid she was not very balanced at the moment because of a series of external factors. I wanted to let it know to the OP and at the same time show him I knew who he was and was ready to “give up” on my wife if so she wished… and was serious about him.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

He showed surprise when I called him. Then he told me I should not be talking to him about the affair, but to my wife. Told me that, in fact, my wife no longer thought of herself as of my wife, but as his partner, and that it had been so for longer than I suspected. He said my wife was very balanced and she had already made her mind up about leaving me. Then I learned my wife was not leaving me for him, but she had decided some 3-4 years ago she no longer wanted to be my partner, or not wanted me to be hers, and had been looking for someone more akin to her and her “new life-style”, til she found this guy (a married man, by the way, 3-4 years younger than her).

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

I learned the OP was very confident about their affair and that could only mean my wife was serious about their relationship and definitely would not stay with me. I felt a bit uncomfortable during the 15 minutes call, but managed not to loose my temper somehow. I would do it again? Probably yes, but was a very hard experience because of the information I grasped about my wife not having considered herself as such for so long. A real liar and deceiver, a total traitor. It helped me decide not to fight for her and respect her will, even if it was mean of her to have behaved that way towards me in the last 2 years.

Coach’s Comments:

1. Talking to the other person may put another nail in the coffin of your marriage or relationship. Most, when they discover the affair, are ambivalent about staying in the marriage. Sure, a part of them wants to save the marriage and hope it can be salvaged. Much is at stake. However, another part asks: “Do I really want to be married to someone who keeps secrets and betrays?” And, of course, the answer is no.

2. So, one part leans toward saving the marriage and the other part has a foot (toe, maybe) out the door.

3. When this man talked to the other person a new world was opened to him. She would not stop seeing the op. The marriage was much more irreparable than he initially thought. Although difficult, he was slammed with the fact that the marriage appeared to be over… and was over for a number of years.

4. If you consider confronting the OP, please be prepared to encounter all possible scenarios.

Filed Under: Confronting the Other Person Tagged With: , ,
« Previous Page
Next Page »