Infidelity Healing: The Ruthless Question

February 23, 2009 by Leave a Comment

I’ve seldom been called ruthless. I’ve been described as someone who sees the snake hiding in the grass, but seldom ruthless.

But, the one question I pose in my ebook, a question most dread asking BTW, is often viewed as ruthless… but necessary when one first confronts infidelity an extramarital affair.

I picked this up in some comments from my readers. Here are some more comments:

1. How has this E-course helped you change the way you feel, think and act as you face infidelity. Give examples, if you can.

your specific breakdown to identify different types of affairs, and the almost ruthless questions about is it worth saving etc are very liberating, especially when one is blindly hell bent on “Fixing” things and probably in a state of denial. The concept that maybe the relationship is not worth saving is scary , but a reality for some of us and you help us see that, Thank you.

This e-course has reassured me that the steps that I have already taken are valid. I have always remained informed, calm, non-aggressive, more of a mentoring stance and counselor than a wounded victim. He says that I am a “class act”, and that I am “amazing” (by NOT stalking her, by NOT destroying his stuff, etc.) His affair has opened up a whole new door to communication between us, and as a result, we are beginning to bridge new gaps, even as he is still pursuing the “other person”. He tells me pretty much everything, even asking me advice about “what is really going on from a woman’s standpoint”. I have a lot of faith that the affair will not work out, and I want to be a safe landing spot for him when it concludes. The good news is that she is not a very active respondent in this — it is a lot one-way. I believe that when the dust settles, I will be able to define the terms upon which a new relationship is formed between us – one term of which is fidelity. Communication is being built as we speak, and trust will have to follow as a natural course. Wish us lots of good luck in this!!!!

I’m kind of a “veteran”. I originally found your site back in the summer of 2004 when my wife first started her affair. I think that the best part of the e-course and the e-book was the section on “Charge Neutral” because it helped me to not shy away from the difficult task of talking about her affair. Her affair is #1 with maybe some #6. I wanted to save our marriage, but the divorce is under way. Like you said, “Wish them well!”

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The Powerful Impact of Infidelity

February 22, 2009 by Leave a Comment

If you just discovered your spouse is cheating and having an affair, feel totally devastated, yet think you shouldn’t feel that way… think again.

Read these comments from folks struggling with the impact of infidelity:

1. List 3 or 4 meanings that your partner’s affair has for you. That is to say, what impact is the infidelity having upon YOU? For example, how has is changed what you think about? how you spend your time? how you think of yourself? etc? Tell a story or give examples of how your life is now different.

1- His infidelity made me feel worthless, as if every thing we have done together toward the relationship, was not enough for him (maybe it wasn’t) but why to lie and act as if everything was okey? 2- In a matter of minutes I went from happy, confident, smart, funny, and patient to anxious, stupid, retarded, and sad. I lost my self-esteem and desire to have a career, nice house, anything with him. I’m so anxious around him that I can barely drive, or talk and understand (I’m a Spanish speaker, his American) 3- I didn’t have any reason to go to work, gym, shopping, party, or just talk to people. I was afraid someone could know and ask me about it. I lost my pride. 4- I normally receive lots of compliments, from friends, customers, and strangers! but I only receive critics from him. I never look perfect for him, he always find something wrong, and that makes me insecure because I have to think about how to please him and myself at the same time.

Infidelity has changed the way my husband thinks about us. He is staying with me out of obligation. Therefore I think a lot about my value as a marriage partner, and what I could give to someone who truly wants me in his life. I would be a gold mine for someone who would appreciate me. The affair has changed him as a person. He seems to get so little joy in anything and has become very self-absorbed…therefore he is unable and lacks desire to give me what I need in marriage. I am the one doing all the trying. Therefore I think again about options for me. His affair has left me untrusting. This is his 3rd affair, and makes me question why I would stay with someone like this. He is a good man and a good provider. We have been married 39 years, have a great family and some great memories. We have been commuting between DC and AZ for several years due to job situations. We built a new home in the DC 1 1/2 years ago, and I was to move here in that time. Things had been great until a year ago when his affair changed all that. (He has no idea how the affair happened, but refuses to understand the whys and hows of it.) I have had great therapy through all this turmoil. After much thought, I recently gave up my home and my job in AZ to come to DC where he has been living so as to try to put this marriage back together again. It is a work in progress. I spend my time doing things in the home and I am a physical fitness buff…so my days are easily filled with meaningful things. I am a people pleaser and have a lot of friends. But I do miss work. My life where it was once very secure, is now filled with questions and doubt. I am a spiritual person and I know I was led to come here to try to save my marriage. In the event this does not work out, I want to feel comfortable in the knowledge I did everything I could to preserve what we had before I toss away 39 years. I am an extremely competent, attractive and full of life. If I had to I know I would make it on my own. But my life is definitely different and somewhat uncertain. At a time when we should be contemplating retirement and enjoying our 3 beautiful grandchildren….life is now one big question mark for me. Thank you

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Healing from The Extramarital Affair

February 21, 2009 by 3 Comments

Where does the problem lie when one has an extramarital affair?

It is extremely common for the “wounded spouse” to question his/her adequacy and engage in a myriad of what ifs… what if I did this.. or that.

Part of the healing from an extramarital affair comes when the wounded spouse realizes that s/he is not at fault. That there was in reality probably little s/he could have done to prevent the extramarital affair.

For example, read the responses below to my survey question on my e-course.

1. How has this E-course helped you change the way you feel, think and act as you face infidelity. Give examples, if you can.

It has helped me word my thoughts better and has also made me understand that some of the things I may be doing and saying is hindering our recovery.

I have shifted focus onto myself instead of letting his affair consume my every thought. I have come to realize that the fact that he had an affair was his choice in dealing with his inability to communicate how he was feeling to me and had nothing to do with me. I am okay most of the time and feel a calm within myself. I have found your information very empowering. Also having the chance to read and discuss thoughts with others experiencing the same feelings has been great.

It has helped me realize that I am not the problem and that I must take care of my needs.

I have benefited from the information personally more than with my spouse. Unfortunately he did leave our home, me and our three boys over a year ago and is living in the house with the woman that he is involved with and her two boys. I haven’t discussed anything about our relationship with him for about two-three weeks because I realize after reading your info I have been doing things all wrong . I was trying to save the marriage with questions and working at fixing things, I know now that it hasn’t helped. I do feel more peace after reading Break free and recieving tha emails , but I do really deep down miss him , our boys miss him and I do still feel that their is a marriage to save, he is really carrying alot of guilt and unworthiness. I have learned that our marriage wasn’t really the problem, his own insecurities are what drove him away.

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