The “I Need to Prove My Desirability Affair” can take many twists and turns.
The affair often occurs in early 40s when the old ways of coping with the pain and shame break down or lose their grip over a person.
The Affair defies reason. It arises out of long held beliefs and stored memories that haunt.
Case Study:
My story, like most stories is slightly different my husband suffered from some kind of silent mental break down. During this time he had a relationship with a neighbor. This neighbor was an unbelievably cruel lady who used threats, intimidation and violence to get her own way. Why did he allow this to happen? When he was 5 years old he was abused by a neighbor. The only way the 5 year old could cope with the trauma and feelings he felt was to suppress all of it. This worked for 35 years, although he was haunted by things he did not understand and had constant nightmares. This self protection mechanism worked until our neighbor approached and found that she could easily get her way. Anyway this went on for 15 months until it was exposed. Once exposed the great weight was lifted from my husband. He started therapy and was at last able to deal with his past. We have moved to a new house and we are still together. Although i do understand how this happened – for my husband part of the journey he had to take to get where he is today. He is happy and content. I do feel let down and hurt that our relationship and strength did not override all these other feelings and issues he was dealing with. I am very cautious and the trust that used to be 100% is not so strong now. I have good days and very weak days.
My ex wife may fall into this category as well as the “my marriage made me do it” category. She grew up in a dysfunctional family, with emotional, verbal and physical abuse from her mother and four sisters. Both her father (an alcoholic) and her mother had affairs (he was first, and a serial philanderer; she began a 20-year affair when she couldn’t make it financially). My ex was sexually assaulted in high school and suffered from low self-esteem for many years. I feel that our marriage had improved her esteem issues, but in 2006, the year she turned 40, she fell into a depression that had two horrible effects: she had an affair with a high-school flame and physically attacked me. Then her sister’s husband had an affair that was revealed on the local TV station and her niece was raped. In 2008, she started a new job and met her eventual affair partner. Add to the mix her breast augmentation late in 2007; by Jan. 1, 2008, she had moved into a townhouse with her OM, whom she described as her fiance. Looking back, she was a time bomb waiting to explode. Although I was not the perfect husband, I’m not sure I could have defused that bomb even if I had fully understood the forces working within her. We have been divorced since December 2008. Her affair is over, but the damage is done (although it continues to reverberate). Truly sad, truly tragic for all of us, especially our beautiful children.