After the Affair: The Healing Process

Here’s a question I asked.. and a response:

1. What was the turning point(s) in your recovery? What part, if any, did my material (e-book, articles, site) play?

I found your e-book after months of searching for someone to turn to, someplace to give me even a tiny bit of insight into what was going on in my life. I had been on a merry-go-round, discovering that this wonderful man I was married to was involved in a very complicated emotional affair with someone 22 years his junior. The turning point came when I wrote you an email and you actually replied to me. I wanted to know why my H continued to say “I don’t know how this happened.” Your answer included a statement (I paraphrase here) – That perhaps my H was being entirely sincere about not knowing how it had happened. I thought about that (along with so many other things, of course) and I decided that instead of rejecting my H (who seemed genuinely distressed) I would give him the gift of TIME. I am over-simplifying here . . . as during months of questioning both myself and my H, I also accepted another insight you gave me – that this was not about me, this was about my H. I had done what other people typically do – I was on this hamster run, going round and round, questioning “what had I done wrong?” Even my H agreed that I had been nothing less than an enthusiastic partner, supportive wife, exceptional mother, etc. So I kept thinking – if I did nothing wrong (and H said – I had NOT doing anything wrong)- how could this have possibly happened? I decided that even tho I was doing everything I knew to meet my H’s needs, b/c of his age and his own doubts about himself as an aging male, his abandonment issues from his childhood (dad died at 12 – H went off to boarding school immediately after) coupled with the circumstances of our marriage (H had to accept a career move out of state for 12 months during wh/ time I had to stay behind while he lived in an apartment) – H had been very vulnerable and susceptible to this woman’s attention. He was so attached to this gal that he could not even see what was occurring. He even told me at one point: “I am her knight in shining armor.” I thought – well now we see. I am the competent wife and mother holding everything together . . . and here is Miss Helpless looking up at H w/ doe-eyes. I intercepted an email b/n the two of them where she told my H how in awe she was of some accomplishment and she finished it with “You are THE MAN!!!” At some point, I let go of “how could this happen” and “what else could I have done to meet his needs?” to “what is he doing to meet my needs?” This is only the beginning of a disentangling process that took nearly two years, and included a job change. During this time, I came back to your materials many times, re-read, re-considered what it was going to take to make me feel whole and centered while my H went through his own struggle. We have new rules in our marriage. H had always been a very outrageous “flirt” in group situations, wh/ we had discussed many times as I found it quite disrespectful. He agreed to monitor himself closely. He has engaged in this behavior twice in three years, both times while drinking. Both times, I made it clear that I was withdrawing my support and his behavior would determine if I wanted to continue a relationship with him. These have not been easy periods. I decided if we are to stay married, I would have to trust him and he would have to be responsible for showing me his commitment to our marriage. I truly enjoy his companionship. When I feel there is something to question, I immediately question it. We are three years past “the end of the affair” and most days I do not think about it. I feel it did change me perhaps more than it changed my H. I had my H on a pedestal, absolutely adored the man and felt we had such a strong union – nothing could interfere with that solidarity. I was blessed that one of my closest friends is a therapist. Although she specializes in adolescent behavioral health, without her continued support, I do not think I could have moved forward and switched my focus to MY life, my pursuits, my future. I had to remove myself from the “drama” of my H’s situation. This was key to my staying sane. I have teetered on depression for five years now. I genuinely LIKE my H. If I had not liked him, as well as loved him, I do not think I would have continued this marriage. I worked at staying focused on all the things I liked about him throughout the craziness. I am a professional writer/editor, and writing to my friend helped me sort out my feelings, face my insecurities, deal with my anger. I would highly recommend that anyone going through a similar situation keep a journal . . . as writing does help sort through things. The most valuable thing I have learned through all this is – essentially – no matter how much you love another person – you are responsible for yourself and you do not have control over everything that is going to happen in your life. There is no room for martyrdom or victimization. You have to decide what it means to be a survivor – and that may mean ending a relationship or it may mean stepping back and allowing the other person the time to decide what he/she wants in his/her life – and then you act on that information. Either you stay or you leave. Either way, you must have the conviction that this was a decision you made for yourself, based on the life you want for yourself. It cannot be a “default” position or you will forever be stuck in a victim role.

Comments

  1. I agree with you fully. I have decided to concentrate on myself, on what my likes and dislikes are. I am planning my days carefully, so that fun and entertaining things happen every day, and that makes it easier to deal with H went he gets back home.
    I am also sure that today I am a different person than yesterday, I am stronger and value myself more, so that what I want weights more than what others in my life want. Call it selfishness, this has allowed me to be more sure of myself, and put unnecessary problems aside.
    I do not know what the future holds for my marriage, but I am more at ease with what the future may hold for me, because today i know I can make it without my H by my side

  2. I am staying hopeful and faithful and the one of the most difficult struggles is allowing that space and time – while you know the OP is aggressively jockeying for position. We have a child involved too – so on not sure is it supposed to be space without the whole family unit to really make it sink in for them or just me…right now we’re sharing our 2yr old over every other nite or so…those nites that i don’t have my baby with me is extremely lonely. Trying hard to stay strong and grounded for whatever the outcome will be.

  3. My healing process is still in effect. It’s been a year since the affair with his 22 years younger has left our lives to pursue a new “daddy’ to fill her own issues about men. He is struggling with his choices and how it has effected him, me and our three grown daughters. I still have my own issues about trusting. I can reflect on where I first began to have issues with trust and have traced it back to my own childhood. My earthly father was a cheat and an alcoholic. I was a year old when my mother left him. To make a “jab” at him, she placed me at a year old on the fender of an old pickup truck fender and in bold red paint below where I was sitting she wrote, “UNWANTED”. I found this photo years later … I realize what an impact it had on me then and now. Let’s hear it for the feeling of abandonment. When I was four, I had a cousin molest me in my aunt and uncles home. My uncle walked in at just started hitting his son, my molester. Within 2 weeks, they all moved to another state. Then another molestation accured by a “family friend”. My mother never acknowledged what had happened to me either time. She even went as far as to tell me that I must have dreamed it when I confronted her about it. I make an educated guess that she was simply ashamed of what her brother’s son had done. She was a firm believer that if you don’t talk about it, it will go away. My mother remarried for the third time.Yet another alcoholic and was since dubbed the queen of codepencey. I inherited this trait and became the princess. I married an addict. We have been married for 28 years now. I have come to realize that we all have a past, and with it are some deep roots. I have been shown through my loving church family that God will expose those hurts, not to hurt me but to heal me. I am still healing…I have a few more root treatments to tend to rid myself of my own issues. I was taught that men are untrustworthy … they leave you … they molest you … they run away … they lie and deceive you. I can see now very clearly I am the one doing the deceiving. I am deceiving not nly my husband, but myself. You see, in the past, I was real quick to “point the finger” until I came to the realzation that I had three fingers pointing back at me… I had to learn to love myself, forgive myself and also ask my husband to forgive me for the years of hell I put him through. God forgave as soon as I asked Him to. God showed me that I came from royalty. Yea, we have some bad genes mixed in, but yet the good prevails. My husband and I seperated for 6 months. He fixed his issues and I fixed mine. We are now active in our church family, tithing back to God, and we are beginning to learn how to lay the right kind of foundation for a love that I cannot explain. My husband even stopped his addiction. I am so proud of him! We have learned that we are not responsible for each other’s happiness. We talk sweeter, love a little deeper and we each have come to the understanding that our marriage is still at risk. It flatlined a year ago … a part of us was flatlining with it. We somehow, by the grace of God through prayer and breaking apart in so many ways, have a new chance at a better marriage. We are learning that it is a journey and not a destination. We have come to accept that we are not perfect or saviors to each other. We have learned to give each other space, and respect that time as it’s needed. The affair is now beginning to show some positives after all. Yea, I still hurt and I know he does too. Time has a way of healing hurts when you figure out where to put them. Don’t put those hurts on each other … lay them at the cross and God’ll take it from there as long as you trust Him. God is showing me that He wastes nothing … I sked God in prayer while I was angry and screaming about being molested, “WHERE WERE YOU GOD”???!!!! He spoke ever so lovingly and said, “I was telling you to look at the wall behind that towel rack from the toilet he stood you on and said, ‘don’t look at him, look at ME.”
    God is know providing me a ministry to help others. I’m still praying about what to call it, but I think God is telling me to call it “Broken Child Ministries”. Oh yea, for the record, I worked with kids for 26 years and I am now working in the funeral industry. I feel honored to see that God has taken me from the beginnings of life to the ends to work with so many broken children and teach them the grace of forgiveness…I hope this helps someone out there do a littel “soul-searching” with Him. He is so loving and patient as you reveal to heal that “Broken Child” within yourself. My prayers are with you and your family should you be going through an affair. Humble yourself, speak sweetly, with love, offer forgiveness, allow the journey and take no short cuts…I thank God for all the ones that provide their knowledge, support, and time to provide this web site. It has been a valueable tool in saving my marriage. Thank you!!!

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