I ran into it again today, in one of my coaching calls.
This phenomenon may seem odd to most. Most never imagine it to be a possibility. But, for someone who has logged more than 30,000 hours of direct counseling, I’ve encountered it over and over again. It does happen and happens often.
The “it” is a person repeating the same actions of his/her parent.
The scenario today was of responsible loving mother/wife doing an about face.
Within a short period of time she developed an intense attraction, almost obsession, with her boss.
It grew into a full blown extramarital affair with her moving out, going on weekend trips with him, dressing provocatively, paying minimal attention to her 5 year old daughter and in essence, orienting her life around this new man.
She raged at her husband, blamed him for the affair and would wait impatiently for her next encounter with the other person.
Her history revealed that her mother exhibited almost exactly the same behavior to her father when she was as little girl – 5 years old!
Coincidence?
I don’t think so. I’ve encountered this behavior far too often to dismiss it.
I believe the pain, guilt, hurt, fear and confusion we experience when traumatized as a child is somehow locked inside a person. We vow (at some level) that it will never happen to us.
However, when the biological child becomes the age of the little girl who suffered the abandonment, all hell can break loose.
It is a crisis. There is an attempt to “resolve” this pain, but the avenue chosen is often similar to the destructive path taken by one’s parent. There may be good psychological reasons for this, but I don’t want to go there now.
Suffice it to say that the husband suffers in disbelief and confusion. He no longer knows his wife. He receives well intended advice to “move on.” But he can’t.
A part of him knows her pain. This intuitive knowledge holds him to her. He waits, patiently, for her to face her demons, for her to gain the clairity of awareness and internal healing that will free her from the history of her mother.
How does the story end? How do you end the vicious cycle?
Why does everyone seem to be cheating these days?
Will a psychologist be able to help this woman understand and change the adolescent behavior pattern? What is the best course for a man/spouse to take. This is the exact position I am in with my wife.
This is just what my husband has gone through. Both of his parents have cheated multiple times with multiple partners. My husband ended up wanting out of our relationship. We are now nearing the end of our divorce proceedings. I would have worked through the issues but he continued to see her and blame me for everything. “She” was not the cause of “our” problems – she was the outcome of them. Will this cycle continue with him? Will he cheat on her as well? There are 5 children involved in this as well – 3 of his from a previous marriage that ended when his wife died at 29, 1 that we had together and one from her previous marriage.
Same thing with me!!!! Within a couple of months my husband of eleven years, who had been a caring, nurturing father, a loving husband and generally responsible person had turned into a complete freak. He went from being totally faithful to having a ten-month affair (which is still going on), but now he is cheating on me and his mistress with as many different women as possible, as often as possible.
His father had a nervous breakdown and also practically changed personality overnight. They are both dating much younger women from Eastern European countries, both clinically depressed, both blame their (ex)-wives, are ignoring their jobs and sinking into alcoholism.
The really sad thing is–my husband and my father-in-law both claim to want to get back together with me and my mother-in-law, but neither are making the smallest changes to make that a remote possibility.
My wife did the same. After 10 years of (apparent) total fidelity she suddenly developed an infatuation with her Boss that rapidly became a physical and emotional affair. It was months before I found out, and that was just chance. By that time the sex had stopped but it has since taken 18 months for her to finally break off all contact with him. Funny thing is, she left her first husband 18 years ago to be with me!
Hello,
My wife of 13 years recently had an affair with a co-worker. I found out on our 13th wedding anniversary. I was crushed. She had been holding out on sex with me saying her drive was gone for about a year or so. She was always on the computer in email and would quickly close the window when I came into the room. My gut told me something was up. Out of the blue she would be terrible to me and say she wants a divorce because she is not happy w/me. We have a 3 year old daughter who is the apple of my eye and she said she would let me see her every other weekend. I asked her if there was someone else and she laughed at me. I ended up retaining an attorney and a PI, and other resources to find out the truth. I was able to put a key stroke logger on our computer and got into her secret email account. What I read will haunt me for ever. The disgusting details of their exploits in emails going back 7 months or so were horrible. The guy she was cheating with told my wife some bs story about his wife cheating on him w/another woman, and the whole time they were having an affair his wife was pregnant. My wife knew this and “Fell in love” with him any way. I do not know this woman any more… Once I confronted them with evidence that is very very air tight… her boy friend began to stalk me. Keyed threats into my car, spay painted death threats on my garage door. Followed me around. Of course the cops would do nothing. They stated that basically they could only do something after he acted… basically draw a chalk line around my body and then go after him. For the next month or so he tried to get me fired from my job as well. My wife would not change her schedule or quit her job. I told him to and he of course laughed at me. I sent their boss an email stating he had threatened me and they fired him the same week. They continued to conspire against me behind my back. The lies were so thick that I hardly believe anyone now. Now that her whole office knows her dirty laundry she will not go into work. She is sure to be fired any day now. She is all depressed and anxious. I have continued to work and dont understand why she is acting like the victim. She has shown no REAL remourse… told me sorry, that I didnt deserve that treatment… but also blamed me for her affair. Well, almost 7 months later we are still living in the same house. We get along okay but there is always that big ole Elephant in the room. She did all of this to me after I was diagnosed w/Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from a tuff life and time in the Security/Executive Protection Field. She grew up in a Ward and June Cleaver Family. around 6 years ago her father had an affair and then left her mom for this other woman. That about killed my wife. All of this is leading to something I promise… I have been racking my brain, how can my BEST FRIEND, lover, mother of my daughter, and mate of 13 years do this to me. More than that WHY? Does your theory hold true for a grown up whos parent had an affair? I just dont know what to do. She never wanted to go to a marriage counselor, she is seeing a shrink for her personl issues right now. She cannot function with out Vicodine, Xanax and Somma. I dont know what happened to the girl I knew. I was mis diagnosed w/a seizure disorder before being correctly diagnosed with PTSD. I was on heavy heavy doses of several seizure medications for about 5 years. The meds lowered my IQ by about 30 points, I missed a lot of work and it cost me jobs, one company fired me illegally… She had to be the steady bread winner and take care of my daughter and me. I can understand how that would take its toll. Once I was diagnosed correctly I was my old self again. Doing great at my career… etc, that is when my brain worked well enough to discover the affair. Any advice?
There is a fundamental problem with the cheater, and to the cheater there is always something, some reason to justify her/him to have the affair(s). The cheater is always looking for ‘his dream, his ideal world’. There is nothing wrong with you, the problem lies with him/her. There is no need for your spouse to follow in the footsteps of the mother or father who cheated. He /She has a choice – she is NOT the mother or father; she can always choose NOT to follow the footsteps of the cheating parent(s).
Pick yourself up – Dr Bob Huizenga’s e-book helps! Meditate, pray, take up yoga, join a church group. I pray and meditate a lot after it happened to me – and being a Catholic helps. You have to pray for guidance and strength. This is a journey for yourself, to discover what you really want.
Sad to hear this is so common…I am going through it right now. I am the cheating spouse and I am driving my wife crazy and I can’t seem to stop. I am 39 and my father did the same thing at guess what age…39. My wife has always been the perfect wife and I am slowly destroying our marriage. I need help. I am going to counseling, but I don’t know how much it is helping. I really need to go to a group therapy session to talk to others that are dealing with this. If anyone knows of one in the Atlanta area, please post. Good luck everyone and I ask that prayerful folks keep all of us and our families in their prayers.
Chan is right! Many people today think it’s okay to behave the way they do as long as they can justify it. They go as far as to tell people they don’t condone the behavior…yet they do it, because they have justified that it’s okay because of this or that or whatever. People have throw their morales out the window and it needs to stop. The buck stops with them, no matter what has happen to them as a child, does not have to happen to them as an adult if they choose to make a difference. Pray for the strength and the courage to make good decisions that are best for your marriage. It’s been two years since I discovered the emotional affair my husband was on and let me tell you the past two years have been extremely challenging. Although the OP ( Other Person ) that was his special person back then is no longer in the picture, others have tried to wiggle their way into our marriage. This will continue to happen until my husband can respect the boundaries of our marriage. If he doesn’t fiqure this out soon, my prays asking for guidance may eventually tell me to walk. RESPECT PEOPLE!!!! Not only does the cheater not respect their spouse, they don’t respect the person they are cheating with and they certainly don’t respect their own self.
I must say that until recently I had no idea that so much of this was going on. I thought this was only in the movies and TV.
Man what a wake-up call … I have just discovered my wife had been having an affair with an old boyfriend for about 6 months now. It was really going strong when I found out what was going on. She was lying and leaving me and my son at home while she went off with her boyfriend.
He was not the only one come to find out as she has an ongoing relationship with another former boyfriend going also. Men were hitting on my wife via phone, text, email and im sure in person. She had put herself out there…Wow! She even had an Internet ID going were she told people how she liked to have sex. We had been together for 11 years and she never told me that stuff. I was shocked floored to be exact. I never imagined that she would do this in a million years.
We are trying to work thru it but I don’t know if I can make it. The lies and the cheating might be too much for me to overcome. My thoughts are how can do this to someone you love and you know loves you. I look at her in a totally different way now…I trusted her implicitly…now I don’t and don’t know if I can ever again. She might not be the person I married and I don’t want to go thru this ever again.
People see it in my face and ask what is wrong…of course I cannot tell them. The books and blogs have helped but it is tough because she is not truly participating in the healing process. She just wants everything to be normal…now I don’t know what that is!
I sat and thought about the prospect of history repeating itself. My husband’s father died when he was 14 & 3months old, he had been sick for 13 years and no one told my husband (then a young child) that his father was going to die at some stage in the future. When he did die, he hadn’t been prepared for it and he had to try to deal with it by himself. The grief of separation must have been terrible for him to go through. My husband, a loving father of 2 and a loving husband for 21 years decided that he would distance himself from our family, cut off emotionally and when I thought about the first time he attached himself to another woman through an affair, guess what – our son was 14 years and 3 months old! I told my husband of this coincidence?? and he said that it was silly, I explained the story of the lady with the 5 year old daughter and also the fact that Bob said that this happens too often to be able to dismiss it. I then asked him if he remembered the pain that the death of his father caused, and he said yes, then I said do you realise that you are causing the same pain to your son, you have cut yourself off from our family (he hasn’t been here for 5 months now)and it is like grieving that we are going through. There was no comment but I hope that he thinks about it from that point of view. I totally believe what Bob has written in this regard but I can’t grasp my mind around the fact that this must happen subconsciously – even they don’t realise why they do these things – it is like they have all this pain still wrapped up inside that they have to put it onto someone else to get relief from it! (But even then it doesn’t help because they create a whole new set of problems for themselves). I just continue to pray and claim God’s promises for a restored relationship. I have learned not to say anything bad about the other woman at all but continue to do good to my husband and try and build him up – if I treat him bad now, how will all his pain from childhood ever go away – the key is unconditional love and only God can give us that – it is not something that I would be capable of doing on my own. It is all about having the right attitude, none of this ‘why me’. I accept it as a trial that will have an ending that will be better than we could every have gained if we didn’t go through this experience. My faith has grown throughout the whole ordeal to the extent that it has been a blessing to me and I know that God will win out in the end – I am totally convinced of that, I can already see His working! Hang in there everyone and the least you know about what your spouse is doing, the better you will be – just be happy knowing that what they are doing is wrong and don’t entertain upsetting thoughts. They will destroy you. I know from experience! Thankyou Bob for bringing this view to my attention – it should cause us to have more compassion on our spouses even though they are not doing what is right.
I don’t know where I have been. But I was on a flying carpet for 27 years, when my husband decided to pull the carpet from underneath me. He is having an affair with a stripper. Within two months my loving, dedicated, responsible, caring and great provider husband of 27 years, became a complete estranger. Both his mother and his older sister cheated multiple times with multiple married partners. In fact his mother’s five children were all from three different married men. My husband ended up wanting out of our relationship, moved out of the house, and doesn’t want to know anything about me. However, he has not filled for divorce, even though he left home16 months ago. He also, went from being totally faithful and caring to having affairs with trashy young women that want his money.
BJ: It will take a long time to trust, but it won’t happen simply because she asks or demands it of you. She needs to earn your trust and it may take more time than she thinks it should. Because todays technological world has made it easy for cheating to be done by e-mail, txt messages, cellphone calls etc., she will need to completely open herself to your view. That means removing passwords for e-mail accounts, disclosing cellphone bills and txt messages. A rule she need to apply is: if she’s doing something she can’t do in your presence or without you standing over her shoulder, she may be doing something wrong or deceitful.
I too struggled with the idea that someone I loved so much would actually hurt me by violating the boundaries of our marriage, especially knowing how much my marriage means to me. Honestly, I’m not sure I’ll ever get over the hurt. Can I forgive, yes I can as my faith teaches me that I need to do that, but forgetting I probably won’t ever do that. Remember that you are not the one that step out of the marriage, she is. Don’t be afraid to evaulate what you want out of the marriage going forward. Keep your principles in place. Do not become complacent and start accepting or allowing the behavior! God Bless you!
I have had more than a few chuckles over this, many tears too. My husband has been having an affair for more than a year. He was traveling for business and had struck up an email conversation with and old college flame, she subsequently offered to be his mistress and for many months flew to wherever he was working to spend time with him. His father did the same thing. Her father left her mother when she was a tiny child to be with his college flame… Freud would be flipping out. She claimed in an email to me after I found out that she was the lesser of many evils, she doesnt want to replace me just to be his once in a while thing when he needs it. My question was how could that be enough for her, seems like a load of bs to me, saying what he wants her to say to keep this thing going. He has told her via text messaging, that I snuck and read, that he would trade everything in to be with her. When I confronted him with that and suggested we make the trade legal and binding he said he only said it because it was a nice thing to say to her. The two of them are quite a pair, selfish, selfcentered, immature. This all started as I was finding out that I was carrying our 6th child. How could another woman be so unbelievably insensitive as to start something with an expectant father. I am holding on with determination and trying to remain the constant. Not very well yet, but trying.
Dee Thanks for your reply. I have read your posts and see you are a person of wisdom and character. I have asked her to open up and she was at first. Now it seems like see is pulling back some. I’m not sure if she is being transparent at this point. I think part of her still wants to be out there. I am sure she is still taking calls from this guy at her job. I cannot cope with the fact that my wife wants to be a “loose woman”. I thought she was better than that. I thought she was the finest person I had ever known. I was wrong!
I am willing to work on this but I cannot by myself. Any slippage from her and I am gone. I might not be the best looking or sexiest guy around, but I am decent and somewhat handsome I have been told. I am just preparing for anything at this point. I have lost weight and I am getting myself in order. I just want a women that is true and into me…because I will be into her 100%. I have never cheated on anyone…ever! Saw my mother go thru this with my Dad and I was a misberable kid because of it. Just want a real honest grown and mature relationship…is that hard?
I totally can see this!! I am involved in an affair with a married man, and he is completely repeating the patterns of his father. A well respected man, having multiple high-profile affairs, that his wife knows about but chooses to ignore so that she can preserve her wealthy lifestyle with cars and cash and clothes. As our relationship slowly comes to an end (after 10 years or so), I am detailing the affair. I figure this is the only recourse I have, and in a sense it is protecting myself. Leverage, in case there are any problems. I feel really bad for his wife, though. He’s in his sixties, and has been doing this since before they were married.
i just found out my wife was cheating with a guy. we have been having so many dam problem . i thoght i was the problem, untill i found a text from him telling her how sweet she was and how not to give me any sex. no wonder she was making so many excuses and how she did not feel like it.i was such a fool. i did so many things to make this marraige work. its amazing how people would try to blame the innocent person. i am glad i found out what was happing. she use to be so cold to me. sleeping on the other side of the bed. it now makea a whole lot of sense to me. would you beleave that she nows wants to have sex with me three and four times.well i dont feel like it at all. i have just lost all feelings i have for her. all.
Mark…Hang in there man. I too found out about a month ago. It hurts especially if you love your wife. I know I am in pain and maybe denial somewhat also. Don’t make the mistake I made of listening to the excuses and promises…there are none that can make it up to you.
I have done all the things that the Dr. has said not to do. I should have read and gotten info first. My advice is calm down (I know it is hard) and start formulating a plan. First of all leave which I did not do…I thought it was because of the kids but it is because I am hoping it will all work out…not sure.
Second and I know it is tough for us men…but NO SEX at this point. Man I made that mistake and know I regret it…it is a tool for women to hook you back in and control you. I still love my wife but I should have held off from that. And I must tell you that this affair has changed her sexually also. She is really into sex now and is very aggressive in bed these days.
It turned me on at first…then it hit what was going on and how she was being and now it is really turning me off. I think to myself … she must have really been enjoying herself and is really into it these days but it was not because of me to begin with. Before she was acting like it was a chore for us but bragging to her friend how she was having “the best sex of her life” with the other guy.
You will be surprised at what sex means to women in these affairs…I know I was. Like you I thought it was me and what
I was not doing, but it is not you. Along with this book from this site read the link below also. Man it spelled out her actions for me and let me understand why so all of a sudden she wanted to have sex with me all the time and why she was so into it.
http://womensinfidelity.com/index.html#home
Good Luck and Keep the Faith! Do not compromise yourself and values to become like her. That is my dilemma now…I want to show her sooo badly that I have other women who desire me and I do not have to put up with this crap. It would just be wrong and cheap. I am sure that I would feel like crap instantly and would not care how good the sex was.
Hope it all works out for you…you are among friends here! Write us back!
Mark, It sounds like you have some decisions to make. If you haven’t read Dr Bob Huizenga’s book Break Free from the Affair, you need to. You have to have an understanding of the type of affair your wife has had or is still having, then you need to decide how you want to move forward in your life because of her selfish act. Your words say you don’t feel anything for her, make sure those words are honest. If you are being honest with your self and don’t feel you can have a marriage with her any longer, than you need to end your marriage so you can move on to a healthy relationship with someone else. Good luck to you and don’t forget to ask for God’s guidance.
I am having trouble with the neutral suggestion that Dr. Bob has. If you know that your spouse is sleeping with another person, how can you still want to be in the same bed with them? If they say that they don’t want to be with you anymore, how can you keep the hope alive – as much as you might want them back? My husband would not go to counseling. He has lied to both me and our children over and over again – as well as all of our friends. When do you know when to cut the cord and just leave him behind?
Jane, If your cheating spouse says he doesn’t want to be with you anymore, than it’s time to cut the cord. Personally I almost wish that my spouse would had been that clear, it would have made the last two years alot easier. But the difference for me is that my spouse does love me and I love him. He has made very poor choices over the past two years and he has finally come to realize his choices were very disrespectful of me. I made it clear to him that when he has chipped away at the only thing he had left with me, which was my love for him, there would be no turning back. When the love is gone, it’s gone! Nobody should want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with them. You do need to communicate your decision very clearly with him by telling him that he has told you that he no longer wants to be with you so you are going to honor his decision and walk. File and move forward, you deserve to be happy in a relationship with someone who wants to be with you. Take care of yourself, you are the one that will need to be strong for your children. How you handle this will be what your children will remember.
Update…
I had a chance to get even yesterday. I did not take it.
In the end I did not want to be like her. I told myself I know I am not like that. Never have been…Never will!
This is one beautiful and intelligent woman who has always liked me. I told her it ain’t gonna happen like this. She respected my judgement and said I was a “good man” and she thinks my wife does not deserve me.
We talked and drink coffee at Starbucks. Her insight although somewhat biased was great. I had felt bad because my male pride had been trampled on (this is big for a man…trust me). So I had been wrestling with this demon for weeks now. I left renewed and restored…feeling I had passed the test somehow. Knowing that I would not stoop down to my wifes level ever.
I feel great today and feel like I can focus on me again. I have listed out my goals and will now work to achieve them with renewed zest and vigor. If my wife and I don’t make it then it will be because she cannot keep up with me from now on. She has caused an awakening in me that I believe she cannot or will not comprehend.
Good Luck and Keep the Faith!
BeeJay, Bless your heart for keeping your principles in place! It’s a hard thing to do when you’ve been hurt by someone you’ve loved so dearly. I truly believe if I behaved the way my spouse has over the past two year he’d leave me instantly. What makes he think it’s okay for him to behave like he does is amazing when I know he would not tolerate it one bit from me. Take care of yourself and always, always stay true to your principles. I too have grown far beyond where I ever thought I could be and I’m right with you on the awakening that my spouse will struggle with moving forward.
Last week I found out, that I strongly suspect that my wife is/was having an affair with a coworker. It all began with emails she received from her coworker and I happened across them. She immediately took the laptop away from me and proceeded to delete the emails. Then she asked me what I was talking about. I said those emails I just read to you, though they weren’t scandalous they made me suspicious, especially since she acted like she NOW didn’t knwo what I was talking about. One of them said, Too bad U R married….Ha! :); You already made my day! Who’s doing lunch today?; ARe you up for coffee?
But the killer was she and he both took off work for 4 hours together and she has subsequently denied it, though they went into their computers and changed their meeting makers after I confronted her. THe next day they were changed. She made it one day before one of our child’s 1st birthdays, a week in advance. They would pick the place and schedule plenty of time then decide for….who knows?
All of this on company email and now she is deleting her cell phone history which she had NEVER done in 5 years of marriage. We have 3 children.
I feel like I am going nuts. I haven’t nailed her in the act, but all arrows point to infidelity in my mind.
It is like she lives a double life. I don’t think she will ever admit it. I realize she works with lots of men so I am taking this into account because I don’t want anyone to think I am being overly jealous. I can feel it in my gut. This is different.
We have 3 beautiful babies and I will do what it takes to save this marriage but I won’t let her make me her door mat.
I know her girlfriend/boss. Should I tell her about it? She will be floored. But I’d like a little justice.
Yes – the key is erasing the cell phone history. That is the
evidence (or lack of) that says – I don’t want you to see who I called or when. And…sometimes they forget …and then you know…and then you try to rationalize it in your mind, well,
just one call, it says PRIVATE caller or BLOCKED id and it was
probably a friend or business or whatever – WRONG WRONG WRONG –
it is the OP and you finally see it cause it wasn’t erased and
you rationalize – get your head out of the sand…also you feel it in your GUT – that is hugh…the gut never lies…the heart is weak and the mind is playing tricks with the heart but the GUT
knows all. The girlfriend/boss knows – doesn’t think you know…everybody knows…they are glowing and think they are quiet but everybody knows…and nobody knows how to tell you…and then when it breaks, you will hear tons of stories about how they knew but didn’t want to say anything to you…then you feel more like a FOOL!!!
I’ve been struggling with the OW situation with my husband too. He loves me and I love him but he is unable to sever the extra relationship. Our kids are aware and upset but he still continues even though he doesn’t want divorce from me and loves his children. He sees us able to come through this together but at the moment, I wonder how to get out of this fog. He wants to work it out of his system but doesn’t know how to get that done and move past it. The OW is not in this area but the emotional affair is constant. He is obviously weak now or we wouldn’t be in a situation of infidelity. He has tried to break it off several times with her but can’t resist her trying to keep it going. One or the other always picks it up and the calls, texts, pages continue. We sure can’t work on “us” while that involves indecision and another person. Months roll by but we haven’t moved past this. I can’t be hanging on a fence forever! I don’t want to throw away 15 good years of life together. I guess if the love dies, then I will know we have worked through it and it will be over.
Paris, you’re right when you say “when the love dies, you will know”. You spouse has already lost your trust, probably your respect, your friendship and at times you don’t even “like” him not alone love him. When he finally takes that last chip at the love you still have for him, there will be no turning back. Working thru their problem is sooooo exhausting, it will mentally and physically drain you. Do every thing you can to take care of yourself. Exercise…it’s a great punching bag! Do something you have been wanting to do that he hasn’t let you or would never join you doing. In the process of doing stuff like I mention you’ll find new friends and a new set of friends at this time in your life will probably be good because often the old friends don’t know what side of the situation they want to fall on either. Take care of yourself!!!
I have been reading these blogs and my heart aches. I have been married for 26 years, and found out that my husband has cheated on me. It was not an affair for months or anything like that. I found out after the unfaithful act, that he had been communicating with her for the entire 26 years at least 1 or 2 times a month. I was happy in my relationship and would often stick my chest out because I knew deep in my heart that he would do some things, but never be unfaithful. I was devastated, my very breath stopped. Marriage for me was sacred and placed right next to my relationship with God. I have been through a lot, I was the only caretaker for a brother who died in March of 2004 and 5 months later my other brother died. Both had to be cared for along with my 87 year old father and 82 year old mother. Then in July of 2006, my baby brother, my soulmate sibling was dying, I cared for him until his death in December of 2006. My family has never needed me before in the 26 years that I was married, and we have taken care of his family for all of the 26 years we have been together. The one time that my family needed me, We went into this together. He was in agreement. Our wedding anniversary was Mar 19 I wanted him to get a room for us, because we have 5 special needs children that we have adopted and this would give us privacy. He found an excuse, on Mar 27, he met with his childhood sweetheart and they had sex in a Motel 6.
I have been struggling with the trust, loyalty, commitment, and all of this. He said he was angry with me, and mad at me so he wanted to get back at me. Well, I am not over it. I forgave him, but I see now that it was only superficial. I want so much to tell him off!! She even told me that if we did not make it that she would be there for him, and would take good care of his children. MY GOD!!!! She couldn’t believe that I would leave him because of this. What has he been telling her all these years about me? I have at least 1 or 2 propositions a week from men, but I would never never do this, even when I was in the world I would never mess with anyone elses man, and never be unfaithful to the one I was with. My soul is dead. I use to model and know that the outside is fine, but the inside is dead and ugly. I want to forgive completely, but fear has me caught. The three major men in my life has destroyed any of that. My father from sexual abuse, my first husband from physical and mental abuse and now the one man that I dropped all my guards for has totally crushed my foundation. Will he do it again? Can I trust him? This is the hard question, because the man I knew for 26 years would have never done this to me. Now he wants to forget it and move on, he will not open to me, communicate and he gets upset if I say something. I am truly trying but it is hard. I find myself not sleeping, I do picture those things in my mind. The tears come from no where. In the beginning, I felt that she was standing in my bedroom over us in the dark. I would get up and look around. When he puts his arms around me even now, I feel that she is still there. I am truly sinking. I pray and try to apply forgiveness (for real) but my pain is so deep I want to scream. I want him to tell me he loves me all the time, I want him to say I am sorry. He told me one time. I want to hear how sorry, I want to know if he knows what he did to me and his family. Why can’t I let go. This happened in March and I found out in May. Now it is august and I am still hurting and crying. I try to pretend that I am happy when he is around, but sometimes I just can’t help but space out away from him. I have to get some help. We are actually seeing an counselor, but I can’t seem to get out all that I want to, because their goal is to move on to the next step. But how can I move on when I can’t get over the first step?
I have been married 17 years and have 2 wonderfull children. I just lost my job and got a call that my father was diagnosed with cancer. To make things even more easier on me I have just been blindsided with my wife having an affair with a co-worker. I found a love card in her purse, I cheked her voice mail and found him saying things and i love you. I hired a PI to verify it but I already know it. I love my wife and would very much like to try to wrok things out, but she seems not to have anything to do with it. I haven’t confronted her yet, because i need all the info i can get to get things in order. When i try to pry for answers she denies that anything is going on and that if it was she would just leave. She tells me she loves me and cries, and then turns around and says that she can forget the last 17 years of hardship. She says she wants to work it out one thing at a time and then turns about face. I am just getting tired of the lies the going in early to work and coming home late. And saying I am somewhere and not being there, while i am sitting at home being with my kids and she is going to bars paying for this other guy and acting like a total teenager not a responsible wife and adult. I am truly getting tired of being blamed for her unhappiness and her attitude that she has changed. I want it to work but truthfully I believe it won’t. In 17 years I haven’t looked at anyone or even thought of looking at anyone else. I always thought i am not only hurting her but i am hurting my kids. I truly believe i have been asleep for 17 years and i wake up to find this mess.
I have been married for 38 years and my spouse is now on his 7th affair with by backdoor nieghbor who is 15 years younger, no children, and on her 2nd divorce. There must be something wrong with me to have stayed all these years. She is a personal trainer and is going to make him young again and whip him into shape. Plenty of pushups in bed!! My grown children and families on both sides wont speak to him. Its a mess. She has total control over him and he doesnt see it. They have flaunted this affair at me for about 1 1/2 years now. I feel totally shot. I have been doing several things for myself now–walking every day trying to get myself back in shape and have found a wonderful church to attend. Even though there are many days I dont feel like it I know God is there protecting me. Its terribly lonely and I do a lot of crying. I dont want to be alone the rest of my life and at 58 yrs old it is really scary. I cant wait for the nightmare to end regardless of the outcome.
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