Archives for June 2012

Infidelity Decisions: What’s Best for the Kids?

It’s always a difficult decision to make, choosing between staying in a marriage and leaving it, when infidelity has been discovered or revealed. And it becomes an even more difficult when it’s not just you that you have to think about, but what’s best for you children as well.

The majority of couples who are going through this situation, much like yourself, have only one thing on their minds while thinking of what it is that they should do, which is to make a decision that will be best for everyone in the family as well as themselves.

Most of the time, parents hide their issues and troubles from their kids because they want to protect them from their marital problems, and they don’t want their kids to worry. And although this is done with the best of intentions, there is a possibility that it could backfire and leave your kids shocked upon hearing the truth about your relationship and the things that are happening in it.

In a lot of cases, though, kids prove to be very intuitive when it comes to their parents’ relationships. Even when parents hide their fights or troubles from their kids, the children still can sense when there is something wrong or that there is some tension between you and your partner. Although they may not have the details of what is wrong in your marriage, they can still feel that something is off and will avoid discussing it until you bring it up yourself.

How we make decisions in our lives differs from person to person, and when we’re stuck choosing between staying in and leaving a marriage, this holds even more true. What pushes one person to a decision is different from another and everyone has different motivations in doing so. In this particular situation, couples may decide to stay together out of guilt or a sense of loyalty, some may decide to leave the marriage because they are consumed by pain and betrayal.

In deciding whether or not to stay in the marriage after infidelity, the most important thing that you have to consider is still your children. Think about how it will make them fell, what they will learn from your decision and how it will affect them. Children are stronger than most people think, and how they will cope with what is happening in your marital relationship will depend on how you guide and help them get through it.

Staying in or leaving your marriage depends only on you and whether or not you will be able to forgive your partner’s infidelity and work on creating a stronger marriage. Yes, there are factors and people to consider in making this decision, but the final decision should be only yours to make.

When it comes to relationships, there are no guarantees that what you have is a sure thing. You can only find someone who will best complement who you are and work hard with that person to make things work even when the challenges are hard. Good and happy relationships don’t come easy. It takes a lot of work and effort that you and your partner must be able to handle. Show your children what it is like to love and what it takes to make it work because your children will look up to you and learn from your actions. Whatever decision you end up making, whether you stay in your marriage or not, make sure that you do it in a way that will show your kids the best example of love in action that you can.

Revealing the Affair: Factors That You Must Consider

What are the things you should take into account before telling your partner about your infidelity?

There are plenty of people who have gone through affairs and do not know whether they should let their partners know about it or not. They are faced with making this decision by themselves. But when it comes to revealing an affair to your partner, whether it happened in the past or is still happening, making the decision is never just about whether to tell or not. There are more things that you need to consider before you can move forward, some of which may not even be so obvious.

It is not just your partner’s reaction to your having an affair that you should worry about because there could also be some serious consequences when you do not tell him or her.

Secrets have a way of cutting into relationships and creating suspicion and doubt. In relationships where secrets abound, both parties tend to be cautious especially when it comes to the things they talk about.

Whether you are conscious of it or not, you avoid talking about certain topics because you are afraid that it will lead to you being found out. But you should know that all you are bringing into your relationship is more lies, doubts, questions and suspicion. In most cases, it is this strain in your communication that destroys the relationship rather than the affair itself, regardless of whether or not the affair is revealed in the first place.

Voluntarily telling your partner about the affair doesn’t ensure that it will be less painful – it does not mean that at all. But it does allow you to have control over how you are going to say it and how your partner is going to find out rather than him or her finding out from someone else. This gives you the opportunity to reveal your affair in a way that will bring you closer together and make your relationship stronger, and not just as a way for you to end your guilt. You must also be prepared to stay and listen to what your partner has to say about it and how he or she will react, whatever those reactions may turn out to be.

So, more than the decision of merely telling or not telling, consider also the why, when and how. Accept your faults and your consequences in the situation, and work towards creating a more open and honest communication that will strengthen your relationship.

Bad Advice: Using Jealousy to Fix a Marriage

Will it really help your marriage if you make your partner jealous, especially after infidelity?

There is plenty of relationship advice that can be found everywhere – books, TV, online, and many other places. And one of the worst pieces of advice that have been put out there is that jealousy can actually be good for a relationship, that it can help fix a marriage.

A few online advice sites and relationship blogs have published articles that gave out this very advice. One article even suggested that couples should make each other jealous on purpose on a regular basis because it will apparently keep the couple on their toes and add spice and a little excitement to the relationship. There is not much basis behind this particular piece of advice, but maybe what the author means is that he or she believes that it will make the relationship stronger somehow, or that it could be a good way in spicing up the relationship. But this is not a healthy way of achieving that, it  is actually the least bit healthy, especially if there’s been a bout of infidelity to consider.

Rebuilding a relationship after infidelity shouldn’t include the negativity that jealousy brings. Building trust, love and great communication are foremost the most important things you should work on, as well as connection, honesty, passion, appreciation and integrity.

The only thing that jealousy will bring to your marriage is more problems and more issues, particularly if you do it on purpose. It can further destroy the trust that’s already been hurt by the affair, and could do irreparable damage to the marriage. So remember to think about the things you read, especially when it is on the internet because no matter how smart or right it sounds, it could actually do the opposite of what it claims to do.