Archives for June 2010

Infidelity is an opportunity for you to evolve and become the kind of person you
really, truly want to be.

It’s also an opportunity for the relationship to move to another level of depth and
richness and intimacy and joy. And it really is, I believe. You may not believe it
right now, but believe me, it is.

I’ve seen hundreds; perhaps thousands of people move to that level and use
infidelity as an opportunity in a springboard for something better in their life.

So let’s take a minute then to reflect upon how you can break free from certain
patterns in your life.

Imagine yourself three months from now. Who do you want to be three months from now?

Imagine what that would feel like, for you to be who you truly want to be three
months from now. What would you be saying? What would you be doing?

Take some time with those questoins. Three months.

Now go a year.

Imagine yourself a year from now, being the person that you truly are, being the
person that you truly want to become. What would that feel like? What would that
look like? What would that be like?

Now let’s ramp it up a notch, and go five years from now.

What do you see for yourself five years from now, being the kind of person that you
truly want to be? Again, what would that feel like? What would that look like? Take
some time with those questions.

Now go to your relationships.

What kind of a relationship would you like to have three months from now? What would
it feel like? What would it be like? What would the interaction be like? Imagine
that; live in that. What would you be doing in that?

Who would you be in that relationship three months from now? What would that feel like?

And again, go ahead a year from now.

What would your relationship like to look like a year from now? What would be the
dynamics of that relationship? What would you be doing with each other; what would
you be doing in that relationship? What would he or she be doing with you?

Then again, take that ahead five years from now.

What would it be like, being who you really want to be, the relationship being what
it truly is meant to be? These are important questions to ask.

Again, what are the patterns that you would like to break free from so that you and
your relationship can become truly who you want to be and truly what it’s meant to
be?

Stuff happens. Did you ever see the bumper sticker that says “Stuff happens?” It
doesn’t really say stuff happens, but you get the idea.

Infidelity happens. It happens and it feels like the end of the world, doesn’t it?
It can be devastating. The feelings are indescribably intense. The images and the
negative thoughts consume a person for hours, for days, for weeks and sometimes for
months.

The process takes two to four years for normal people to heal, to reconcile, to
forgive and move on.

For those who research, read and study and approach the infidelity intentionally, a
shorter period of time is the result.

There’s a huge investment that’s asked of us when we encounter this demon called
infidelity or an affair.

So let’s think about this a minute. Let’s think about the fact that infidelity is
given to you or happens to you.

Let’s put this in a theoretical framework.

This framework for me, at least, says that life is not problem-free.

Life is filled periodically with times of transitions, times of change, times of
trauma, times of death, times of crisis of various kinds.

We can’t escape it. We try. We work hard not to go there, but I believe that life
offers us and our relationships times of intense challenge, change, transition,
trauma and crisis. A child dies. A person gets sick, cancer, heart attack or is
disabled. Debilitating events pop up and emerge.

You can’t escape. You can’t get away from those kinds of events, and they always
continue until the point of our death.

So where does that leave you and leave you with the infidelity in your life? This is
a challenge to you.

I want you to see infidelity as a gift. That’s right.

Infidelity can be an impetus for you to evolve and develop into the kind of person
you are meant to be and that you truly want to become.

And as well, infidelity can help a relationship evolve and become fully what it’s
meant to be – a deeper, richer relationship.

Infidelity is a gift.

What are you learning about you?

What are you learning about relationships?

Give some thought to those questions.

This is a question that you should and must ask.

As a matter of fact, it is the question that you should ask before you consider any
kind of an intervention or employing a stragegy.

If you don’t ask this question, your interaction with the cheating spouse will be
perceived as either manipulation, coercion, or extreme neediness. And that’s very
unattractive.

First, ask yourself, “Do I truly want to be married to him or her?”

Most people say, “Sure, I want to.” But hold on, not so fast.

Let’s look at some of the underlying issues that this question may bring up for you,
that will stimulate your thinking, and help begin looking at vital issues in terms
of managing you and the affair.

Let me pose these questions.

Do you really, truly want to be married to him or her, or are the feelings of hurt
and pain so intense that you just want them to go away?

Do you really want to be married to him or her? Do you really, truly want to save
the marriage, or do you long for how it used to be? Is that more important to you?
Do you long for the memories that you have, and hope that those can be somehow
restored?

Do you truly want to save the marriage; do you truly want to be married to him or
her? Or do you feel like a failure, and are embarrassed, and by saving the marriage
or being with him or her, you hope to reclaim your lost ego and pride?

Do you truly want to be married to him or her, or do you miss the old roles? Now the
marriage is in chaos; there’s confusion. Do you miss the stability and the old roles
that seemed to fit very well?

Do you truly want to be married to him or her, or do you want vindication against
the other person? Do you feel like you’re competing, and must be married so you can
prove to the other person that you’re better than he or she?

And do you truly want to be married, or do you hope that this will just get over so
that you can end the pain that you feel?

You must examine look the underlying issues.

Then you will be ready to effectively, and with power, confront yourself and
confront the relationship and work toward healing and reconciliation if that’s
truly what you want.