Archives for March 2010

The question that I first think about is: What do you want him/her to talk about?
And most people, when they discover that their partner is having an affair, need to
talk to their cheating partner about the affair. They need to know.

There’s a desire to know: How bad is it? What am I up against? They need to know
about the relationship. What’s this relationship like? What is it about and what’s
happening in this relationship that hasn’t happened with us?

Those are some typical underlying questions that a person wants to get at. Or when
they say, “I can’t get him or her to talk, ” they want to pull from him or her some
kind of assurance, some kind of affirmation, some kind of hope that the marriage,
perhaps, is still intact – or that, at some level, there’s still a desire for the
cheating partner to, perhaps, look at rebuilding the marriage. So those are
typically underneath the question: How do I get him or her to talk?

Let’s look, briefly, at reasons why the cheating spouse clams up or finds it
difficult to talk. First of all, the cheating spouse may be suffering from guilt or
shame. One part of them may feel terribly badly about what’s happening, and so they
believe that if they start talking to you about it, they’re going to be scolded or
somehow made to feel awful about what they’re doing.

Another reason a cheating spouse may clam up is that s/he is not a very good
communicator. S/he is not very good at disclosing or engaging someone in effective
communication.

And a person then says to me, “Well, they obviously have good communication going on
in the affair relationship. Why can’t he or she do it with me?”

And I typically reply by saying, “Affair relationships have very, very poor
communication in reality.”

And they say, “What?”

And I say, “In essence, communication in an affair relationship is based upon
building up the illusions each have.” So it’s not really effective communication;
it’s communication that each wants to hear to build illusions of who he or she
thinks he or she is.

Another reason that the cheating spouse my clam up is that you may be a better
communicator. You may be verbally more precise or more sophisticated. Your partner
may feel like he or she is one down to you; and therefore, may feel inadequate in
terms of engaging in communication with you, or may feel trapped communicating
because there’s a sense that you’re one up.

Here are some tips of how you can open the lines of communication.

Briefly, I have three tips.

Number one is: Never ask a question. I’m not going to get into the reasons for that
right now, but rule number one is: Never ask a question.

Instead of saying, “Will you pass me the potatoes?” say, “I want the potatoes.” Now
think about that and try to apply that to your situation.

Rule number two: Never use the word “you” when talking to your spouse.

This is extremely difficult to do, but it ties into rule number one. Never use the
word “you”. Instead, you want to make short, declarative statements, which get at
the truth. That will be your most powerful communication, and then you wait and see
what kind of response your spouse will give to your declarations.

And remember that if your partner was not a good communicator or talked much before,
he or she probably is not going to talk a great deal now.

In that case, you might have to be aware of body language. Notice body language
closely or the various types of non-verbal communication, which give cues and clues.

Getting him or her to talk is a very complex situation, but three rules, again.
Never ask a question. Never use the word “you”. And pay attention to body language
if you can’t get anything else.

Video: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/blog/?s=get+him%2Fher+to+talk%3F