Archives for December 2009

Legal Separation

December 14, 2009 by Leave a Comment

A question that is raised or at least thought about when infidelity is first discovered in a marriage or relationship is, "Should we separate?" Should s/he move out, or should I move out? This decision is difficult to make in the beginning stages of discovery when the feelings are powerfully intense and one tends to be ravaged and controlled by those feelings. This blog post takes a look at some of the legal ramifications of separation and provdies some guidance. Give careful thought to decisions make regarding separation at this stage of infidelity discovery and recovery.

To read the post on Legal Separation, please click here..

Filed Under: Guest Blogs Tagged With: ,

You’re like my Father…Brother

December 4, 2009 by Leave a Comment

You’re like my father… brother

Rebuilding a marriage after an affair inevitably raises concern around having sex with each other.

I talked to a person today who was rebuiling the marriage after infidelty and he expressed concern about sexual performance, especially in light of the fact that his wife told him she had “good sex” with the other person. In addition, she stated that she perceived him (her husband) more as a father or brother. (This means, I’m not sexually attracted, or have a difficult time getting sexually aroused when thinking of having sex with you.)

This disturbing scenario is often the case in affair #6: “I Need to Prove My Desirablity” or Affair #4: “I Fell out of love… and just love being in love” in which the cheating woman was overindulged by her father.

It is important to remember that seeing the husband as a father or brother, is a projection and has nothing to do with the sexual adequacy of the husband.

Other red flags: the cheating wife seems to stare into space or watches mindless tv programs. This may indicate a tendency toward splitting life into component parts. This pattern is frequently learned at an early age and carries forward into adulthood. Such a pattern gets in the way of establishing intimate and healthy sexual relationships.

Filed Under: Infidelity Help Tagged With: ,

Have you Had an Affair with Tiger?

December 3, 2009 by 5 Comments

There is a problem in our culture with hero(ine) worship.

We look at that someone (usually an achiever and/or charmer) and wish we had what s/he had. Sh/e’s got it and we want it. S/he’s got and we don’t have it and think we probably never will have it, but it sure drains off some of the tension by watching him/her have it.

This “hero(ine)” we don’t know personally. There is a persona we know. But, that’s about it. (I suppose tabloids make a ton of money off us… as we try to get to “know” this hero(ine.)

We idealize this hero(ine.) We believe that being next to this “hero(ine),” adapting his/her mannerisms, wearing his/her jersey, or using his/her brand of golf club will somehow at some level make us more “complete.”

Many marital affairs are like this. The other person is idealized, not truly known. The cheating spouse believes that being with the other person will give him/her what she is truly seeking. The other person is the answer! The other person is the hero(ine.)

Eventually, the frailty of humanity emerges, the hero(ine) is exposed and the great disappointment settles in that this person also, is not the answer to my internal emptiness, confusion and lostness.

So, I say, be done with hero(ine) worship.

The only hero(ine) is within you… somewhere. Your power, the essence of who you are, your gifts, your ability to see beauty, your capacity to care, your desire to love and your desire to live this life with it’s moments of pain and moments of joy…that’s the hero(ine.)

I wonder what our lives and our world would be like if our journey consisted of uncovering, embracing and allowing that inner hero(ine) to emerge?

Filed Under: Surviving Infidelity Tagged With: , ,
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