Archives for July 2009

Infidelity and a History of Sexual Abuse

July 7, 2009 by 2 Comments

Affair # 6 in my ebook is: “I Need to Prove My Desirability.”

Such an affair often emerges when a person has a history of sexual abuse.

Read this case study of how the identification of this type of affair helped this couple:

1. How has this E-course helped you change the way you feel, think and act as you face infidelity. Give examples, if you can.

It helped me fully understand that its not my fault. While I contributed to the failed marriage in many ways, the real problem is with my spouse. Funny, we naturally tended to follow your course of action, no counseling, no church, etc. We worked on our marriage and broke down the communication barriers. It has been almost a year now. The biggest breakthrough was identifying the type of affair. It explained it all to both of us, and really helped my wife seek a path of healing. She’s very broken from childhood sex abuse by her father. I knew about it at the very beginning of our relationship, however I had no idea how it could or would impact us.

2. What unanswered questions do you have at this point as you cope with infidelity?

I still have pain in the memory, not sure how to deal with that. I still don’t trust even though she has shown to be trustworthy. But she did it twice with an 8 year span between. I don’t know how to tell if she’s needing outside stimulus again, or if she will seek an emotional connection with someone else. She is the type 6 affair – “I need to prove my desirability”. Her father ruined her self esteem. The biggest growth came when she made a decision not to be a victim any more, but to be a survivor.

Filed Under: Extramarital Affair Types Tagged With:

After the Affair: Trust Made Easier

July 6, 2009 by 1 Comment

The key decision in the case study below for the wounded wife revolves around the question of “when and how do I trust?”

Of course, this is a common question that almost everyone on the receiving end of infidelity asks him/her self.

A huge factor in such a question is the extent to which the cheating spouse is ready to commit to the marriage and intentionally alter behaviors which respect and aim at meeting the needs and situation of his/her spouse.

In the case study below, the cheating husband was an extremely helpful figure in helping his wife reconnect with trust. (In reality, it appears that he was looking for a way out of the affair and “being caught” provided the impetus to end it.)

Note my questions and responses:

1. What kind of decision(s) looms large before you regarding the infidelity in your life?

When it happened, the main decision that I had to take was: Do I stay or do I leave? Is it worth it or not?

2. Describe successfully working through a decision related to infidelity. What comes to your mind as I raise this question? What were you faced with? How did you face it? What helped in the decision making process? When did you decide? How did you know that it was the best decision? What tipped the scales in making this decision? Do you remember the day, the time, the events surrounding that decision?

At first, I was devastated. I had such respect and trust in my partner, that I did not for one second contemplate the possibility that he might cheat on me, it just did not enter my mind, ever. The signs were there, but I attributed it to the fact that we were not communicating well at the time and that I’m being paranoid, so I did not act on it.

The important thing I’ve learned, it that you should always trust you instincts! I did not know how to handle the situation, but what kept me stay at the time, was the knowledge that I still love him, irrespective of how angry I was at the time with him and how much I was hurting.

I allowed myself time to hurt, cry, get angry, and once or twice I even shouted at him for his stupidity to be so insensitive and selfish (and I’m not sorry i did either!). We talked a lot about it (through the pain and woes), and he was just as scared as I am that it will be the end of our marriage. He broke all contact immediately and we literally started all over, but I still could not get myself to get over the pain and hurt and anger and resentment and whatever goes with it. It caused me to doubt my own worth, it created such insecurities inside me, but fortunately he understood and supported me a lot. The only thing that helped me at the time was the determination not to give up something that I care for very much (my marriage), and we both just hung on to our love for each other and held and hugged each other frequently. It took me about 2 years to really reach the stage where I was prepared to let go of it, and start trusting him little by little. What helped is that he kept his part of the agreement that we reached to get our marriage back on track and healthy and that he re-assured me a lot of his love and commitment (and he showed it in many ways). I’ve come to realize that we cannot heal our marriage completely as long as I continue to dwell in the past. For my own sake (and naturally also for his and our marriage), I had to let go of the pain and anger and forgive him for what he has done. Although his infedelity made me feel at the time that I can never feel the same about him again (which is true in some degree), it does not mean that the marriage cannot work again. It can, but its was up to the two of us. Difficult as it might appear, forgiving him for what he has done has helped me to let go of the pain and anger, and I took a concious decision to start trusting him again (that was really hard and did not happen overnight, believe me. He had to earn the right to be trusted, which, in all fairness, he did). We are for the first time in our marriage communicating well, and that does not mean that we agree on everything, it merely means that we are open and honest and sensitive to each others feelings and needs and we heed those feelings by not tramping all over them and respecting each other as unique individuals who want to spend the rest of their lives together. Infedility destroys loving memories, but its up to us to create new, maybe better memories together. I’ve lost my naivity, and maybe that’s also a good thing, but I’ve taken care not to become cynical and bitter, cause that would certainly have destroyed me as well as us, which I don’t want. I’ve realized that he is still the same person I’ve fallen in love with, and I still love him (I like who is he and how he makes me feel), but I’ve also realized that he is human being with weaknesses, and that he has made a mistake (though a terrible painful one). For those of you who were cheated on, just hang in there for a while, don’t act in a hurry or take a decision informed by your pain, you are bound to make wrong decisions.

Filed Under: Infidelity Decisions

Not Painting Pictures Anymore of Him/OP

July 2, 2009 by 1 Comment

Confronting the other person can bring about compassion, as illustrated in the case study below.

She no longer “paints pictures” in her mind of him/them. She sees the loneliness and emptiness and despair of those trying to find something in the wrong place.

Please understand that her movement to this state took place after months of attempting to cope with the affair and rebuild the marriage.

I observe that this movement toward compassion is extremely difficult in the beginning stages of infidelity in which much pain, fear, confusion and rage rules.

Read this case study:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

2 years ago I found out about the affair. My husband stopped having all contacts with her on the day of my discovery. After a few horrible days and nights we started “working on” our marriage and our relationship. 2 years later we are at a point of “standstill”. I still have the problem with not trusting him, I still think he is not telling me the whole through, I still can not really pin-point the kind of affair it was, so I decided to go and see for myself where, what and who “made” my husband forget his promise to me, the children and to himself. I wanted to see the place and feel the atmosphere , I wanted to understand what was motivating him for 2 years to live a secret, double life and I wanted to see what kind of a person would knowingly hurt other people. I wanted to understand what does my husband really say when he tells me:”I was addicted, I was crazy, I was insane, I did not love her, sex was not great in fact it was terrible, I would never go out in public with her, I was unhappy and she knew exactly when which buttons to push …” The OP worked for me for a few years before and their affair started at that time , first by phone, SMSs and 3 years later became sexual (for 2 years) . So, when I stood in front of her door I did not need to introduce myself , in addition their affair ended 2 years ago, so she nearly fainted when out of the blue I stood there asking her if she remembers me. Well she did. She invited me in, gave me a coffee, composed herself quite quickly . I asked her if she loved him and she said “Yes” I asked her if she ever believed that he will leave me and marry her . She said “Yes”

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

My visit was 2 hours long. The apartment was dark, very small, behind the trees. A perfect place for secrets. There was a black cat, could be the sister of our black cat. I found out that it was. She talked quite freely, admitted that it took her many years to get him to sleep with her. She never thought that their affair was hurting other people, in fact, she never thought about me or children, she never asked him about us. After speaking with her , after seeing the place, I felt for the first time something like compassion for him and for her. I started to see that disturbed , unhappy and very confused man (my husband), I started to see that naive, quite selfish and very lonely woman and most of all, I started to see our marriage and our relationship for what it was then (before the affair) and for what it is now and what could have been and what can be, if…. if I allow myself to let go of the demons a little, became more realistic, less romantic, less superior, more open to be loved. I now believe that our marriage and our relationship can have a future.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

No, I would not do it differently. That visit made me see the reality. I don’t paint pictures anymore – about him, her, or myself. I have a choice. I feel free to make a choice. He is not perfect, I am not perfect. And she does not matter. What choice will I make? I do not know just now. What I know however is that, this time, my decision to stay or to go will be based on realistic reasons.

Filed Under: Confronting the Other Person Tagged With: ,
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