Archives for May 2009

Getting the Truth from a Cheating Husband

May 20, 2009 by 3 Comments

This case study illustrates the importance of what I call charging neutral. The bottom line: place yourself in a position in which you, with an inner calm and strength, can state your position and concerns, your version of the truth, with clarity.

Few words. Powerful, pointed words, however.

Charging neutral is easier said than done. It took this woman 2 months to get to the point where she was ready. Note what she had to do to get to that point of confronting him with power, calm and the truth.

Case Study:

When I suspected he was having an affair, I suffered not knowing for sure. I had low self-esteem because I was overweight, so before I confronted him, I worked out for two months. I told myself I had to look better in order to empower myself through better self-esteem. When I looked better, I wrote him a long letter and asked him to read it, discussing our marriage, my feelings, his bad treatment of me, but didn’t mention the affair suspicions. I wanted to confront him with that face to face to see his eyes, his reaction. The letter broke the wall between us, then I used that opening to ask him. He admitted to it, said he was already going to end it, he was sorry, and didn’t want me know or be hurt. I am still in so much pain…but it was a beginning, and hopefully we will see this through, and I will find peace in my heart one day.

2. Jot down a turning point between you and your partner that helped the two of you move in a positive direction. Tell the story, if you would.

self improvement has been the best..losing weight, more care about my appearance. But I still suffer….it has been 7 months since I confronted him. But exercise and self improvement, and asking him to aknowledge how badly I hurt has helped.

Filed Under: Infidelity Impact Tagged With: , , ,

An Example of the “I Need to Prove My Desirability Affair”

May 19, 2009 by 1 Comment

The “I Need to Prove My Desirability Affair” can take many twists and turns.

The affair often occurs in early 40s when the old ways of coping with the pain and shame break down or lose their grip over a person.

The Affair defies reason. It arises out of long held beliefs and stored memories that haunt.

Case Study:

My story, like most stories is slightly different my husband suffered from some kind of silent mental break down. During this time he had a relationship with a neighbor. This neighbor was an unbelievably cruel lady who used threats, intimidation and violence to get her own way. Why did he allow this to happen? When he was 5 years old he was abused by a neighbor. The only way the 5 year old could cope with the trauma and feelings he felt was to suppress all of it. This worked for 35 years, although he was haunted by things he did not understand and had constant nightmares. This self protection mechanism worked until our neighbor approached and found that she could easily get her way. Anyway this went on for 15 months until it was exposed. Once exposed the great weight was lifted from my husband. He started therapy and was at last able to deal with his past. We have moved to a new house and we are still together. Although i do understand how this happened – for my husband part of the journey he had to take to get where he is today. He is happy and content. I do feel let down and hurt that our relationship and strength did not override all these other feelings and issues he was dealing with. I am very cautious and the trust that used to be 100% is not so strong now. I have good days and very weak days.

Filed Under: Extramarital Affair Types Tagged With: , , ,

Needing a Script to Confront the Other Woman

May 18, 2009 by Leave a Comment

Confronting the other woman as a reaction, as an attempt to vent one’s hostility, to flail at the other woman usually does not work.

You may feel better, empowered, as some say, but to get a desired, targeted response is problematic.

Creating a script before hand and rehearsing that script offers the best opportunity to stand back and effectively confront the other person, getting the desired response.

These two case studies illustrate this point:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do

She used to be one of my closest friends. I had tried to maintain some bit of a friendship after discovering their emotional affair (they had “only” held hands and kissed for 3 years!) but she had continued to pursue my partner. I asked her to explain what she was up to – probably in a more hostile manner than I intended when I decided to do it.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

She said she had nothing to explain. He was the one doing all the running. I was being unfair. They “didn’t do anything”, just had a “special friendship” and “everyone has a right to their secrets”.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

I would have stayed calmer and worked out a script in advance. Or, I wouldn’t have done it at all. I think I just fed her drama queen hunger and I was left feeling worse – and less secure – than before.

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

I never met her but sent some very angry emails. I didn’t know what to do with my rage. (the only time I’d felt it…what a horrible emotion. There was only one that I’d send over again which was “You are a fool. If I can’t trust him after 25 years, what makes you think you can?” My others were impulsive and mistakes.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

It brought the two of them closer giving them common ground.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

Altho I doubt it was possible, I learned I should not have been contacting either my husband or his “soulmate”. (Yuck). Looking back…I was fueling the situation.

Filed Under: Confronting the Other Person Tagged With: , , ,
« Previous Page
Next Page »