Archives for April 2009

Marital Infidelity: The Other Person Doesn’t Care About You

April 21, 2009 by 3 Comments

If your spouse is having an affair and you want to confront the other person with the intent of having him/her understand your situation, you probably will be greatly dissappointed. The other person typically doesn’t care about you or your children, your pain or your situation.

Also, it is important to give thought to what outcome you want from the confrontation. Those who impulsively confront the other person do not find the confrontation fruitful.

A hint: when confronting the other person, do not ask questions. Make statements.

Here are examples of those who did not consider the above facts and found the confrontation less than helpful:

Confrontation #1:
1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

My purpose was to get the other person to see me as a person too, someone she was hurting. I also wanted her to know that I knew what was going on. I responded to text messages she sent my significant other asking her politely to leave us alone.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

She ignored my request, nothing happened.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

I probably would not have even sent the text messages, she didn’t care. I learned that the other person is immature and self absorbed.

Confrontation #2:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

getting some clarity to the situation – i found them the night before, she was my friend and i wanted answers as to why a friend would do this to me and hear her side of the story

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

she wouldn’t talk to me, was very cocky and sure of herself and said she would talk to me that evening but not at that moment and please leave. as i was shaking coz i was so upset i did leave. an hour later she text me and said she wasn’t about to get into a battle with me, there was nothing to say, it was all my fault and don’t contact her ever again.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

if i was to do it again i would have refused to leave until i got answers or at least made her squirm a bit. i was far too respectful of her wishes and not enough about my own. however long term i dont think its helpful in any way to interact with that person seeing as they obviously have no thought about you — if i a friend is going to do that to you then they aren’t worth talking to are they

Confrontation #3:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do

I wanted to let her know how badly their affair was hurting me and that I took care of his mom.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

She was nice and said she would stop seeing him, they didn’t stop though.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

I’ve done it numerous times, when I reach the end of my rope. I hear about them from friends and get so raged I call her. I would not do it differently

Filed Under: Confronting the Other Person Tagged With: , ,

We Are Susan Boyle

April 20, 2009 by Leave a Comment

Susan Boyle is the dowdy, frizzy haired, overweight, single, never-been-kissed, unemployed 47 year old woman who lives with her cat, Pebbles, and appeared on Britains Talent Show (similar to American Idol.)

She took the show and audience by storm. And, now she (her performance) has the world writing, reading and viewing this extraordinary event beyond belief.

If you haven’t seen the video (viewed by over 80,000,000 at this point) see it now. Try one of these links: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RxPZh4AnWyk, http://www.youtube.com/user/BritainsSoTalented or http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lp0IWv8QZY

I spent at least 3 hours Sunday playing the video over and over and over. It brought a veritable flood of feelings and thoughts that I could not let go. I was mesmerized.

What’s the appeal? What’s the power?

Much has been written on the power of her performance and I too, want to share my thoughts?

So, who is Susan Boyle?

You look at Susan Boyle and you see yourself. You don’t want to admit it, but you see yourself. There is this self in the hidden recesses of the greater you that you avoid. You look at Susan and see that part of you that is unattractive and dowdy. You see the part that feels isolated, that feels alone and unconnected, that part that long ago had a dream but that dream shattered by the perceived reality of your world. You see that dufuss.

And you see that part most powerfully when you are in crisis, when you face loss, when your worth and essence is called into question when you face failure and when you live the life flattened by the shattered dream. There she is… that dufuss.

And so, the audience looked at Susan and in their latent anxiety began to roll their eyes, ridicule, mock and deride Susan for her seeming dowdiness. What a dufuss! Simon rolls his eyes. Amanda, “What’s THIS?” Piers laughs. (The panel of judges.)

And then Susan begins to sing… and her voice emerges. This is the “real” Susan. This is the part of her that for so long wanted to be expressed, wanted to emerge. Her dream speaks! Beautiful! Powerful! The heart and soul of Susan in all her inner boldness and confidence stands before us.

The anxiety bound ridicule of the audience is transformed to cheers and applause as Susan begins to sing, “I dreamed a dream in time gone by When hope was high And life worth living,” She sings her dream. (Yes, maybe for me too, there is that inner core of strength and beauty that wants to sing with notes of clarity and perfection. I too remember that dream in time gone by.)

The camera shifts to Piers who swallows that lump when he hears “Then I was young and unafraid, And dreams were made and used and wasted.”

And Susan ends:

I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I’m living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed.

This is all of us. This is all of us, especially as life around us seemingly recedes. We lose. We lose the “dream.” We believe we are diminished.

But, perhaps it was the wrong dream? Or, not MY dream? Or maybe there was something else… all along.

…That the audience and judges (and the other 80,000,000 views of this video) discover as Susan becomes her Dream.

Filed Under: Infidelity Help, Infidelity Impact Tagged With: , ,

Infidelity Turning Points

April 17, 2009 by Leave a Comment

There are turning points in infidelity. shifts do happen!

Here are some comments from a couple folks who share with you their turning points:

It has been three years since my husband’s affair. Looking back, I can see that we have come a long way from then. However, the pain is still very real. My discovery in the beginning of the different types of affairs really was important to me so that I could have understanding into why anyone would be able to go outside the marriage. It helped me to separate his responsibility from my own. Another turning point recently has been that I realize that we alone are responsible for healing our own pains. I tend to care more for his feelings and pains and tend to give until I’m empty. Learning to set boundaries on my own limitations so I can experience life through my own eyes and my own experiences has given me a new outlook and hope for the future. Although I live most of my life in the middle, I still have moments of highs and lows. It’s tough, but I hope one day all this endurance of pain will pay off in some way or another.

The turning point was when I finally decided that I could go it alone. The affair ended and we have pretty much repaired that part of our marriage. The hurt was very deep, but I don’t dwell on it the way I used to. But knowing that I was worth something on my own helped. The site helped me to gain perspective and just a place to go when things were insane.

Filed Under: Infidelity Help Tagged With: , ,
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