Archives for April 2009

This case study brings up a contrast in strategies in how to deal with the aftermath of infidelity or an extramarital affair.

Here’s the problem: the wounded spouse has a need to talk about the affair. Her ex-cheating husband wants to “move on.”

The wounded spouse says, “OK, I guess I’m being selfish.”

However, the wounded spouse does set very clear boundaries, which spell out her expectations.

He begins responding more positively to her.

Her need to talk about the affair is more than a need to talk about the affair and have him squirm. She needs to feel empathy, concern and acknowledgment of her pain. Stating her need in that way, as her issue, her “problem,” he might have been more receptive to “listening” if he indeed has that capacity.

Give her credit: She did the next best thing: set those boundaries.

Here’s the case study:

1. What goals have you set for yourself and what got the best results to help you feel better and charge more neutral?

I’m not much of a goal-setter but I am happy to share what worked for me. I wanted my husband to “own” what he did and take responsibility for it. His response was, “the affair is over, in the past and I want it to stay there. I don’t want it to be part of my life anymore and I want to move forward.” I started thinking of why it was so important to me that he acknowledge the hurt he had caused and felt some pain himself; I fiinally came to the conclusion that my reasons were selfish and petty ( I wanted him to feel, in some tiny way, some of the immense agony I had gone through. He never can, since he didn’t experience what I did.) so I abandoned the idea of trying to make him do a “mea culpa.” You can’t force someone to feel something they don’t, and you can’t make them be resonsible adults if they never take blame for their own actions. They have to resolve that themselves, you can’t do it for them. Instead, I told him he must make a commitment to me and our marriage, and he must demonstrate that commitment on a daily basis. He has been doing so, in ways small and large over the last six months we have been back together. For my part, I don’t constantly remind him of he affair and I support his plans for our future together instead of saying, “well, we’ll see if we are still together then.”

2. Jot down a turning point between you and your partner that helped the two of you move in a positive direction. Tell the story, if you would.

My husband is a typical Virgo, very critical and not always the most diplomatic person and sometimes acts like a “jerk.” When his affair began, he got even worse with me, nothing I could do was ok, I don’t think I even breathed correctly. I realize now he had to put me down in order to make the OW look good in contrast. So I don’t take that anymore from him. Whenever he makes what I consider to be an unjustified criticism or negative remark, I call him on it, in a neutral way of course. I ask him to explain why he feels that negative way towards me and so far he has not been able to subsantiate his criticisms. I think it’s just a habit also to a degree, and it may be so for this woman. I stand up for myself and don’t accept behavior that is not taking our relationship in a positive direction. And I have noticed my husband has been giving me much more respect and affection when I do so.