Archives for February 2009

Coping with Infidelity Means Putting Up With Less

February 18, 2009 by Leave a Comment

We tend to put up with or tolerate a great deal in life. Too much, in reality. And, part of creating a healthy life and life-style is putting up with and tolerating less.

When infidelity raises it’s head, tolerating raises to another level.

Healing from infidelity means putting up with less and less.

Here are some responses to my question…

1. What are the 5 top things you presently are tolerating or putting up with as you face infidelity?:

1) Sending text messages and then deleted them on her cell phone. 2) Don’t ask her whereabouts when she leaves while I’m at work to avoid arguments. 3) Avoid questioning to show her that I trusted her. 4) Using the O.P. birthday as password from her email. I got it from pc spy software. 5) She sends email messages and delete it from her SENT folder.

He (the cheater) is not nor can he see himself EVER being attracted to me. After 5 counseling sessions together, he feels that he is “cured” and and misses HER intensely. He seems consumed with his schedule to try and see her and be with her. She has snubbed him and is trying to move on and that makes him want her even more. I am only 3 months into the discovery of the affair. I have forgiven him and want our marriage to work. I feel that he is talking out of both sides of his mouth. He says he has no plans to move out or divorce me RIGHT now, but he would like to stay friends.I just don’t think 3 months of ending the affair and “trying” is enough time versus 16 years of marriage. We are not financially secure enough to separate. No kids involved. He turned 50 in March and is very selfish and narcissistic this year. I am 6 weeks post op hysterectomy. Two weeks ago our home was burglarized (took a 200 lb safe) came through the front doors in broad day light. Stole our identity. I have been the bread winner for the last 7 years. I am in a swirl of pain and my crystal ball is broken. I will turn 50 in a few months. I am trying to concentrate on self care, but my world has fallen apart.

the anger that arises when i ask him about the affair. his unwillingness to talk about it. the fact that he turns things around and makes them my fault. his inability or lack of willingness to comfort and reassure me of his feelings for me. the fact that “i said i love you” and “i’m here,aren’t i” isn’t what i would expect from someone who is supposedly truly sorry. not having the answers i need as to why he is still here-me, the kids, financial reasons-losing everything he’s worked for?

Filed Under: Infidelity and Tolerations Tagged With: ,

The Challenge of Infidelity

February 17, 2009 by Leave a Comment

Surviving infidelity is the first step.

Once you are past the survival mode, an awareness kicks in of the myriad of issues, emotionally powerful issues, that confront you.

The realization that your life will never be the same descends.

Read how infidelity has challenged and impacted the life of these readers as they respond to my question:

List 3 or 4 meanings that your partner’s affair has for you. That is to say, what impact is the infidelity having upon YOU? For example, how has is changed what you think about? how you spend your time? how you think of yourself? etc? Tell a story or give examples of how your life is now different.

my wife was in a 3 year affair that ended 2 years ago..we have worked alot on our marriage via counseling etc..my wife is very private and guarded..we have been married 27 years ..the biggest impact is in how to get her to express..she says she is over it and doesn’t want questions etc or to ever be reminded of the affair..she says she knows how badly it hurt us and our grown children but its time to move on..2- i still wonder at times what she is thinking about..she says she only thinks of him when i bring it up..she lied alot before and its hard to believe her..3- i found out by reading her emails..they were very sexual..i get triggered when she is on her email or cell phone but her work requires it..4- believing in my gut..so my life is different because i cant remember what it was like to trust..all our memories that were good seem to be faded away and tainted from this experience..i have gone through extensive therapy and looked at my role etc..but its still hard to come to grips with everything.

1. My husbands infidelities have made me realize that I have gotten fat and look like my mother. I have lost the slim and trimness of who I used to be and settled for a soft mother image…that he hates of which was told to me by one of the other women that I called when I found out about the infidelity/s. 2. My self esteem, and my goals as far as being self reliant and supported financially. I have lost my independence. 3. I cannot have passion for my husband anymore because I don’t really know him. And what I thought I did know, must have been just a lie. So sex is not passionate. 4. There is no desire in our relationship to please one another or to be involved in extended family gatherings. I probably would let his family know about his behavior if I had to be around them more. So I limit when and if I wish to allow our children to see them.

Filed Under: Infidelity Impact Tagged With: , ,

How to Survive the Affair: The Problem and Honesty

February 16, 2009 by 3 Comments

Whose problem is infidelity anyway? The “wounded spouse” often believes there is something intrinsically wrong with her or the marriage that resulted in a chearting spouse.

This is far from the truth. The problem, the patterns and themes in the cheating spouse, resulted in the affair. This reader says:

It (my ecourse) gave me some hope that I would be able to focus on myself and let go of him and his destructive choices. It helped me see that the problem was inside of him, that it was a fault in his coping/relational skills and not something that was caused by me not being the perfect wife (or the “wrong wife” as he liked to tell me for many years).

Now, this is often difficult: getting clarity about the status of the other relationship AND the level of connection or willingness to connect with the spouse.

This reader states:

At first I was shocked and yes very hurt. While I want my husband back in my life, I am looking at how he feels not only about me but how he feels about the op. During counseling he finally admitted the affair. Today when I asked where the affair stood. He asked that I not blame the op. I told him I could not have him back until he could be sure he was over her. I could not replace her. So he had to be sure. While I am still hurt I do not feel the anger I felt before. Right now I just want to be sure that he does really love me and wants to make a life with me.

Filed Under: Surviving Infidelity Tagged With: , ,
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