Archives for January 2009

After the Affair: Healing the Marriage

January 9, 2009 by Leave a Comment

Here are some more comments about those who heal the marriage after infidelity:

1. List 2-3 things you did to help you as a couple heal the wound.

1) We are making an effort to heal the wound by starting with “one” issue at a time. For instance “working together” was a huge problem for us. We made a point of finding one thing that would allow us to “work together”. Once we succeeded, we could feel the wall between us coming down. 2) In terms of trust issues, which is huge, my husband (the adulterer) made an extreme effort to keep me aware of his whereabouts at all times. In the past, he lied, didn’t return phone calls or answer his phone when he was cheating. Now, he lets me know where he is and that has helped me feel more secure and get closer to trusting him more.

We started listening to each other and talking with out anger. We started doing very simple things together like clean the house, make dinner, go out with our children as a family. We forgave one another for the transgressions.

1. No matter how bad it is, take some time every week to do something fun together. Agree that you are not going to talk about problems, just have a fun time. 2. When a conversation turns into an argument, don’t say anything about divorce. That is damaging. When you need to calm down, say “TIME OUT”, and walk away.

Filed Under: Marriage Makeover Tagged With: , ,

After the Affair: Healing the Marriage

January 8, 2009 by Leave a Comment

What do couples do to heal the marriage after the affair? One of my readers wrote what worked best for them:

First “I” sat myself down and asked myself if saving my marriage was what I really wanted or was the pain of the affair blocking my judgment. Second; We, my husband and I took a long drive to a park over looking a river. There we calmly listened to each other; step by step he reveled what happened and from there we began to heal. Third; it is now almost four years later, we are enjoying a new kind of life with each other, bought a boat we always wanted and a new home. We kept family and friends out of our process of healing; to much advice is not a good thing. This was the hardest thing I had ever done, still at times I feel like walking away yet I know it is only my ego that is hurt, he after all stayed with me not her. I had not begged or demanded for his return, I just kept talking to myself; who knows me better than ME?. After A four year affair, things have turned out to be a strange blessing, my husband and I have never been so interested in what the other is doing, it is pretty nice knowing he finally wants to know about my day. One last thing; DO NOT bring up the affair after you have had that long talk at your favorite place, get out all the questions you feel you need to know at that time and let the rest go……….if you don’t you wont be able to end the affair for either of you!

Filed Under: Marriage Makeover Tagged With: , ,

Infidelity and Narcissism – Won’t say NO

January 7, 2009 by Leave a Comment

The “I Don’t want to Say No” is one type of infidelity that underscores the trait of narcissism.

The case study below illustrates what it’s like to cope with infidelity of this nature.

1. What are the 5 top things you presently are tolerating or putting up with as you face infidelity?

We have been reconciled for 2 yrs. but at the time I put up with Flip-flopping! With me, he would be determined to fix the mess he made, but as soon as he was back with her, he couldn’t leave her. 2. Tears, he cried all the time, felt very sorry for himself. 3. Nastiness, tell me how great she was, most sensuous woman he had ever met; such a great cook; a great mom; wonderful, nice woman she was; she had been married and divorced 3X’s, had several long term common law situations. 4. Drinking on his medication 5. Cake eating big time! Never let me out of his clutches, begging me to be patient, let him get this out of his system My husband hates confrontation!

Coach’s Comments:

1. I suspect an “I Don’t Want to Say No” type of affair. The flip-flopping seems like a game, not a true sign of confusion or ambivalence. He “knows” what he wants and he’s going to get it (i.e. both a mistress – who mirrors back to him how truly great he is – and a stable home base envirnment from which to stray.) His comments to his wife about the OP also indicates narcissism.

2. Words won’t work with the “I Don’t Want to Say No.” One needs to act, to set up and follow through on consequences. And, when action is indicated, he will turn on the tears and apologies. Don’t fall for that trick.

Filed Under: Extramarital Affair Types Tagged With: , ,
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