Archives for December 2008

Tolerating Infidelity: What is REALLY Bad?

December 9, 2008 by Leave a Comment

How much does a person tolerate or put up with concerning the destructive behavior of a cheating spouse?

There is no clear cut answer. However, I use some guidelines. Look at three factors:

1. How frequent is the destructive behavior?
2. How intense is the destructive behavior when it happens?
3. Does the person exhibit any desire and/or capacity to begin changing those behaviors?

Here’s a case study of a person working on affair recovery. Is she doing ok? What would you do differently?

Case study:

1. What in the way of disrespect, blame, criticism and/or abuse are you facing?

Withholding of affection, dirty looks, implied criticism, impatience, and then being accused of all the things above which HE is doing. Sex is brief and selfish, resentment is ever-present, and he indulges in rage/tantrums if I ask him what’s going on NOW.

2. What has worked best for you in stopping or tolerating less and less of these destructive behaviors?

I pick up and leave the house, go do some errands or whatever, return after an hour or so, and ask him if he wants to leave, or should I? Then he will talk and say what’s “really” on his mind, which is always some thing that he has in his head that I should to make things all better, but am not doing. If I’m not doing it, it’s because it’s not sensible, or I have a very good reason for not doing it, and then I have to tell him that and then he seems to get it for a while and becomes “nice,” which will last until he gets the next idea that he won’t disclose so that we can fully communicate what’s going on about it. Just neurotic and rather boring. If he had gone off with the OP, she would have to put up with this crap instead of me. That would be justice. Too bad she can’t afford him and I’m stuck with him. It’s up to him to get his crap together, and I let him know that, and try to give him a safe space to do that in without taking too much disrespect. Honestly, when will he quit acting out his childhood? I taught him EFT in hopes he would use it when he feels his hysteria coming on. Maybe he’ll use it and maybe it’ll help. Or I could do it for him in surrogate fashion. That would be ironic. At least it helps me in “charging neutral.” But my health is getting delicate, as I am worn out with all his antics and drama. I don’t/can’t care all that much any more. If someone DOESN’T want you to love them very much, if any, THEY are screwed up. A love diet is not what I want, nor do I want to be his momma. What a turn-off. I chose badly, and now here we are. Trying to make the best of it. Not what I had in mind, but ok if it works out.

Filed Under: Infidelity and Tolerations Tagged With: , ,

Infidelity Chat Room

December 8, 2008 by 1 Comment

The infidelity chat room has been and continues to be a place where those coping with infidelity in their marriage or relationship find crucial support and encouragment.

Sleepless nights are productively spent sometimes using this tool.

I seldom venture in to the chat room. The value of the room is for peers to learn and support each other.

Here are some responses to the my inquiry about the chat room:

1. List 2-3 ways the Chat Room has played a significant part in your “recovery.”

>>>>Being heard. Not alone.

>>>>1. Talking to others helps to put things in perspective. Sadly, someone always has it worse than I do. 2. Speaking to others helps to get my thoughts organized, and after writing something, makes you see your own issues more clearly. 3. The friendships.

>>>>Its a reality check and makes me see how I try to cover for my mate. The discussions make me feel like i am not alone.

>>>>Gave you someone to talk to who was going through the same thing. Others who had gone through it for years were the most helpful. It helped make you feel like you weren’t alone, and going crazy.

>>>>Someone there to talk to Good advice new ideas support from everyone.

>>>>It has helped me find my way after a trying experience.

2. What are a couple pieces of advice you would give a newbie to the Chat Room?

>>>>get it all on the table…valuable info in the wisdom of others

>>>>1. Make sure you tell your story, we’ve heard it all (or so it seems) and there is no shame in this room. 2. If possible, listen to both hurt and offending parties, it helps gain perspective.

>>>>Listen first before jumping in as it helps to see what is being discussed. it also gives the ones chatting time to get to their point.

>>>>Take your time its on your side Read the E books. Set boundaries for spouse.

>>>>Sit and listen. Not everyone’s advice will suit your situation, so to relax, and watch others talk first.

Filed Under: Infidelity Help Tagged With: , ,

Facing Infidelity NOT Alone

December 7, 2008 by Leave a Comment

It’s an interesting fact that not much is truly known or taught about infidelity.

A local church approached me to talk about the doing a series of seminars on marriage for their adults. I suggested we do a series on infidelity (of course!)

The response: “Oh no, we couldn’t do that! No one would come to the group, fearing that others would think THEY had the problem!”

I read another article recently from the academic community on the paucity of research on infidelity. There isn’t much there.

Therapists usually fly by the seat of their pants when confronted with infidelity. Actually, it’s my observation that most therapists jump off the topic almost immediately and begin talking about “what’s happening in the marriage.”

So, when someone encounters infidelity, it’s like moving into a new unknown world. What do they do? Where do they go? How do they learn to trust again?

A powerful feeling of isolation emerges. Family and friends offer reactive advice that is usually not helpful. Plus, No one has ever talked to them about the phenomenon of infidelity.

And so, isn’t the internet a wonderful tool? Information and connection never made possible before.

Here are a couple responses from readers of my “7 Killer Mistakes” E-course on how they were helped to get their feet on the ground after the discovery”

>>>>Just knowing someone has the same issues/fears as I have. Knowing someone cares and it is not me who has the problem.

>>>>It helps me to realize that all my crazy mixed up pain and emotions are normal and things WILL get better.

Filed Under: Infidelity Help Tagged With: ,
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