Archives for December 2008

Healing from Infidelity and Affairs: The Journey

December 20, 2008 by Leave a Comment

The healing journey for affair and infidelity recovery can be difficult and long. Successfully walking that journey can, however, provide tremendous satisfaction and discovery.

Here are real people in different stages of infidelity healing letting you know what they are doing to heal and recover:

>>>>Went for walks together Went out for social events together

>>>>face the facts talk about the feelings understand why it happened

>>>>I did NOT give an ultimatum about stopping seeing the OP or asking him to leave. We stopped shouting and talked like adults. We still do things together e.g. family stuff, household chores. He still sees the OP and I’ve a long way to go. His guilt prevents moving forward.

>>>>1. I just backed off. I listened about the other person and heard the areas where there was a void that was filled. 2. Since I didn’t do a lot of good things through this, I don’t sling mud over the transgression. This has helped a lot with opening the doors to meaningful conversation without arguments or sore feelings that would undue months of work. 3. I am in no hurry to fall back into old patterns. So when he is ready to come home, great. If not, then he can continue to stay in his apartment and we will just continue to date. Since he hasn’t expressedan interest in seeing his son too much, am not forcing them to be together. We’ll work on us first then our son.

Filed Under: Surviving Infidelity Tagged With: , ,

Confronting the Other Woman: Former “Friend”

December 19, 2008 by Leave a Comment

What happens when a person confronts the other woman who was a friend?

Check out this case study:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

My husband and the other woman keep saying they were just friends and that they were not having an affair, i wanted to talk to her to get things straight from her, she was my very good friend as well. We meet 2 times and I asked her questions about situations, but the answers were ones she and my husband had come up with to cover there behinds.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

She lied about everything. She said they were just friends and that they had to talk to each other and meet because of the committees and things they were on together.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

I am not sure I would do it differently. I need answers and although I did not get those answers at the time I found out the liar she was and her true self was revealed in time. I learned that even if you get answers it does not help because there are some things I will never understand. Plus you only know what a person wants you to know. My friend deceived me, she went after my husband and would still take him to this day.

Coach’s Comments:

1. What is a friend? What are the markers or characteristics that tell you that a friend is a friend? What qualities do you want in a friend? How do you truly know they are there? What level of self disclosure do you need and expect in a friendship?

2. Many types of affairs (“I fell out of love…and just love being in love,” “My Marriage Made Me Do It,” and “I want to be close to somone…but can’t stand intimacy”) often involve a kindled relationship of someone fairly close – neighbor, couples with whom you socialize, common friend, and in some cases, extended family members. Feelings are stirred that may develop into infidelity and a triangle whereby the three, who were once friends, now dramatically change the relationship.

3. When confronting the “friend” know that the relationship as changed. Do not expect favors or the disclosure of truth. It may happen, but probably not. Once boundaries are crossed, it’s very difficult, well nigh impossible, to go back and expect “friendship.”

Filed Under: Confronting the Other Person Tagged With: , ,

Healing from Infidelity: Boundaries

December 17, 2008 by Leave a Comment

In this case study we examine the issue how to deal with disrespect and criticism. She attempts to remedy a difficult situation by setting appropriate boundaries.

1. What in the way of disrespect, blame, criticism and/or abuse are you facing?

Initially, my husband blamed me for his affair saying I worked too many hours, abandoned him and the family, didn’t love him, didn’t make him the center of my universe like the OP, didn’t support him in his job, was too controlling, had too many rules, was manipulative. He also accused me of having an affair myself or said I would have an affair if I didn’t already. He searched and searched but found no evidence of such an affair, because there was none. Since our recent separation, he now uses the kids as a way to criticize me..saying I will turn the kids against him, that I talk too much about our marital problems, am to emotional and upset the kids, I am keeping the kids from seeing him because I won’t let him hang out at our house. He makes plans with the kids and does not inform me until right before they leave, showing up unexpectedly and surprising me. He takes the kids on trips and doesn’t inform of exactly where they are going and when they’ll be back. He comes in our house when I am not home or barges in unexpectedly on the premise of needing to get something. At my sons soccer games, he will stand right behind me the whole time even though I have indicated I don’t want to be seated near him at kids events. I can’t always move because our other son is with him and I don’t want to seem like I am ignoring our son.

2. What has worked best for you in stopping or tolerating less and less of these destructive behaviors?

What has worked best is shutting down all communication except to discuss the kids or money. I have requested that most communications be in the form of text or email. I have asked him to leave our home when I am home because he makes me uncomfortable being there. I sit away from him at the kids events. I make little to no eye contact. I am working on my own self esteem and self care so that as I go stronger, I am starting to recognize the disrespect when it is leveled at me,so that I can not buy into it and fight back verbally when it happens. The hardest part is recognizing how my husband’s disrespect of me is playing out with my sons disrespect of me. I am setting boundaries with them and demanding that they treat me with respect. It is much easier now that I am alone and don’t have my husband in the home to undermine the moral climate I am trying to maintain in the home. .I have set up expectations for my sons behavior and communications with me and established consequences for noncompliance. I am trying to be less of a doormat. As I start to create and fight for my own life, instead of living and doing for everybody else first, denying my own needs, I am gaining respect of my family. I need to respect myself before anyone else can respect me.

Filed Under: Infidelity and Tolerations Tagged With: ,
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