Archives for November 2008

Infidelity Help: Remaining Calm

November 5, 2008 by 2 Comments

Here’s another example of charging neutral – the most powerful skill you can use in coping with infidelity and for confrontations of all varieties.

By the way, this scenario is very common once an affair is brought into the open. It is relevant to a couple of the types of affairs I outline in my e-book.

Thanks to Joanne (who gave me permission to share this) for her story about charging neutral.

Thank you for all your advise. I have been going through this since I found out about my spouses affair. Jan 2008. The other women called my teenage daughters and told them everything. I still to this day don’t know when it started with them, but phone records show it started in Aug of 2007. My spouse has never come clean, he says its over and that he wants to come home, but he is a jekyl and hyde and one minute I know him and the next minute I don’t. He is living with his mother and hates it. We have been married over 20 years and this was a total shock. The thing that really bothered me most is that he never made any attempt to make things right with my daughters or myself. Very self centered. Winter is coming now and I know that he wants to be back our house. I packed up all his winter clothes and took them over to his mothers house the other day. He went crazy, knowing that I didn’t want him back. He cried and told me he loved me, that it was over and that he wanted to come home. I told him we had to work on it, but I think his idea of working on it should be one more talk and then move back home. We decided to meet the to have a talk and for him to come clean. I guess this scared him, so he called me and said he didn’t want to get together. Thinking I was going to lose it, I just said to him ” I think your lies are hurting you more than they are hurting me.” Charged neutral. Hes been calling me constantly. I care about him deeply and worry about him, but I know that he has to be the person I knew and lived with for the last 20 years. I also have to consider the feelings of my daughters. He has been raging at me, telling me horrible things, accusing me of all the things he probably did. I read your book back in March of 2008, and had trouble understanding this “charging neutral” I finally understand it. I get it. I think it took me a long time to understand how I needed to approach the situation. I practiced, and I finally understand. I don’t know what the outcome will be and I hope it is good, but I finally have control of my own feelings, and wont let his mistakes control my feelings anymore. Thank you again, I continue to read your submissions. Joanne

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Infidelity Help Skill: Charging Neutral

November 4, 2008 by Leave a Comment

In my ebook, Break Free From the Affair, I focus on a specific skill that exudes power.

Understanding and implementing this skill is often much more difficult than it would seem.

Here’s a person who “got it.”

1. Tell me your story. How have you used “Charging Neutral” and tell me exactly what happened?

I have learned that by “reacting” to my spouse’s affair, my spouse would get into a “defend mode”. And when a person is in this defend mode, they have tunnel vision and can only see what they want to see or think they see, and can’t hear any kind of reasoning, they only hear what they want or think they have heard. Also, when in this defend mode, words fly that maybe neither one of us didn’t really want to say or mean. So, I have practiced “Charging Neutral”. I stay very calm, almost no emotion involved, and always look them in the eye to show this is NOT going to hurt me like they think. So when my spouse and I had the “affair” talk, my spouse is the one blowing up and in a rage. I on the other hand stayed calm and would repeat what was just said to me, as to confirm to my spouse what I just heard. Most times my spouse will hear from me what was just said, and boy does it sound stupid to my spouse. If my spouse yells that “we are done!”, I may just repeat what was just said in a different way, “well I know you want to live by your self”, then follow up with “I hope you realize that you have the chance of loosing everything”. Again, by speaking in a non caring and calm manner, they can actually hear you, or hear what they just said. How can they, the one having an affair, justify to themselves or to us, any of their reasoning as being a good enough reason to have the affair in the first place. This Charging Neutral way of speaking is so non threatening to them, they have nothing to defend their actions, and they start to rethink their own actions. By the way, my spouse’s affair almost did us in. Only by me going to therapy and me reading these newsletters did I finally learn how to handle this bad situation and learned how to save my marriage. I am a very strong person emotionally and mentally now, so if this is ever presented to me again, I now have the courage and power to turn the table around and kick thier butt out the door with no regrets. No regrets on my part because I am in control of myself, but my spouse will not know what hit, and will be so confused and hurt by their own actions….why?…because of staying and being calm and having a non caring type of an attitude, even though it hurts like hell. (People seek to please others when given positive attention and kindness…People don’t seek others with reactive or defensive actions. Just like speaking to a young child).

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Facing Your Fears When Facing Infidelity and the Extramarital Affair

November 3, 2008 by Leave a Comment

What is it about infidelity and extramarital affairs that stir the sometimes debilitating feelings and thoughts?

Do you think fear is part of it?

I think it is. It rumbles around under the surface and creates havoc.

But, what are those fears?

Here’s a question I asked my readers and their responses:

So what is it that is behind our fears? What are they pointing to? How are they formed and how do we use them to transform ourselves and propel us into the lives and relationships we really want to have and experience?

>>>>>Behind our fears is that we don’t feel worthy, for whatever reason of the person who is possibly betraying us, our trust. Our own self-image is continuously perpetuating that which hurts the most. The fear that no one truly knows us or ever can. The fear that we will lose something we have invested time and our heart in. The fear that we have to prove to someone or ourselves that we must “win” at getting people to love us and when we are cheated on, it feels as though we “lost”…But it isn’t about winning or losing. That’s what I’m realizing. It’s about recreating your self-image and focusing on yourself, instead of “who is hurting us and why”.

>>>>>Past experiences – he has fooled me in the past so how can I trust that he is not doing the same now.

>>>>>Fear of being alone. Nevertheless, this is is the major task to accomplish in one’s life — to learn to be ALONE live well.

>>>>>Our fears tell us what we prize and value. What we don’t want to lose…such as the ability and feelings of love and security. Think through what would make me feel loved and secure. What kind of person? What is the nature of the exchanges between us? What kind of changes do I need to make in myself to experience that? Is this even possible with my spouse or do I have a better chance of experiencing this with another person in the future?

Filed Under: Infidelity Fears Tagged With: , ,
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