Archives for November 2008

Surviving infidelity: The Healing Journey

Those who have endured, survived infidelity and embarked upon the healing journey have much to share.

Here is a response from one of our readers:

1. What kind of affair faced you?

My husband had a three year affair with a woman fifteen years our junior, he said it wasn’t anything to do with sex it was an emotional affair, which I really think is the worse kind of affair as they are emotionally involved with someone else.

2. What are 2-3 resources that helped you survive and cope with the infidelity?

Prayer, your e.book ‘Break Free From an Affair’ and my family.

3. Describe 2-3 break-through moments or events that helped you see the affair from a different perspective, provided healing or helped make a decision?

My husband would not sign the divorce papers. he asked me to forgive him and give him another chance. After reading your e.book I changed my tactics and realized that I was torturing myself by blaming myself and realized that I am responsible for my own happiness.

4. What have you learned about yourself as a result of the infidelity?

I am a very strong person now, I am not jealous at all, I am very happy with the way things are at the moment and all the advice I received has helped me to be calm in any situation, I think my husband realized that there was a life after him.

Coping with Infidelity: Not Alone in Tolerations

Not sure whether to stay or go?

Not sure how much you can tolerate, but find yourself putting up with much?

Feel weird, strange, like you are a little crazy for being where you are?

Fear not. You are not alone.

Because of your investment in your family and relationship, you most likely will tolerate more than you thought.

Note this list of what others coping with infidelity tolerate:

1. My husband lies to me constantly about phones calls, money, cell phone messages, his relationships with other women. I can’t trust him anymore. 2. Poor money management, he doesn’t pay his fair share of the financial responsibilities and he makes more money than I do. Is it because he is giving money to the other women>? 3. When I find out about yet another indiscretion, he try make me feel like it is my fault, like I did something wrong. 4. My husband doesn’t any show remorse. 5. He doesn’t recognize how his choices have impacted our life.

1) Text messages and the giggles that follow. 2) coming home late. 3) The voice in the background especially when she is alone in her car. 4) hostility. 5) The fact that she knows that she is taking advantage of me but does not care.

Spouse continuing with the affair. Talking/messaging on cell phone and admitting that he is doing it. Sending presents every month. Anger, when I raise the issue of him moving out. Constant rejection in that fact that he sleeps in the other bedroom.

privately talking on cellphones deleted text message and call history always out everyday sometimes very late no time for home and unaware of it

1. Denying that he is having an affair. 2. Having 2 cellphones. One I know about and the other one I’m not suppose to know about. 3. When I call him on his cell phone, he takes a while to answer. His excuse is his phone was charging. 4. He will not admit that he is cheating. 5. He had a number of blocked numbers on his cell phone bill. I found out the numbers but he never admitted that he was cheating. 5. He uses the pay phone to call hi women.

Infidelity and Anger: The Power of Charging Neutral

I’ve been doing much research on what someone facing infidelity tolerates in an extramarital affair.

How one deals with those tolerations and stops putting up with so much hinges on a skill I teach called: Charging Neutral.

Here’s a great example:

1. Tell me your story. How have you used “Charging Neutral” and tell me exactly what happened?

It has been about two months since I found out about my husbands six month affair. At first I was really angry and went through a lot of different stages to get to where I am now. I began “charging Neutral” and didn’t even realize it. My husband and I talk a lot now, almost everyday about the affair. I feel no hate, malice or anger to him or the op for what has happened now. In the beginning I felt I needed to prove that I was the better choice but I quickly realized I didn’t need to do that because he would not have come home if he didn’t believe this himself. He now feels free to talk about anything he remembers at anytime and knows that i’ll not get angry or feel hurt because this is something that has already happened and he already acknowledges he completely hurt and disrespected me in the worst way so it doesn’t need to be said anymore. I quite agree it is one of the best ways in beginning to heal even if we find we can’t stay in the marriage anymore we will at least be friends again. And that’s important for the kids.

Please remember that using charging neutral also depends to a great extent on the kind or type of extramarital affair facing you.