Archives for October 2008

Recovering from Infidelity Has its Moments

October 10, 2008 by 1 Comment

I was talking to a coaching client a while back and she has made tremendous progress in charging neutral, a skill I teach that is highly effective for most of the types of affairs I describe in my e-book. (It’s not as effective or desirable in the “I Don’t Want to Say No” affair and the “I Want to be Close to Someone… but can’t stand intimacy” affair.)

Anyway, charging neutral was triggering an interesting and favorable response from her husband. She was getting what she wanted. The tension was appreciably less and life seemed to be headed in a good direction.

The next time I talked to her, her world had fallen apart again.

Here’s what happened:

Initially his behavior changed in response to her change… charging neutral. He was probably curious and a little frightened.

What frightened him about an “improvement” in her behavior?

Well, she was changing the rules of the relationship. She no longer was playing along with him in ways that were familiar to him.

He no longer could count on her to be there for him in ways that, at least from his perspective, enabled him to continue the affair and his destructive behavior.

And so, what did he do?

He ramped up his old behavior as a way to get her back “playing the game,” so he could continue on the old path.

Hang in there. This too shall pass.

Filed Under: Infidelity Help Tagged With: , , ,

The Infidelity Trap

October 9, 2008 by Leave a Comment

One can feel trapped, stuck, hitting a brick wall and fearfully paralyzed with trying to cope with and survive infidelity.

Read what some of my readers say about what they tolerate and find difficult to stop putting up with:

>>>being isolated from friends
>>>being ordered to do things at certain times
>>>have no life
>>>Tolerating his openly carrying on the affair in front of me and the children.
>>>His immaturity and bullying when confronted by me is laughed at by him.
>>>He is trying to control everything and expects me to carry on as before. >>>His nasty, aggressive, demeaning and not consistent in what he says.
<<>>Definitely he came home late (or early) around 5 or 6 a.m. when kids were getting up for school.
>>>Lies, lies and more lies!
>>>always secretly sneaking out of the house to make phone calls or when on computer he would huddle up as if to try and block the screen.
>>>threats of divorce
>>>rage
>>>gossip
>>>lack of sex and intimacy
>>>distrust
>>>Avoidance of the situation, not wanting to bring it up or talk unless I do -then it’s a fight, blaming me for his affair
>>>Excuses to get out of the house and getting home a bit too late but calls first
>>>Knowing he was just with her – instinctively
>>>Hidden cell phone
>>>Him trying to act like nothing is wrong-thinks we can go out together for dinner, movie
>>>Finding daily calls to the other woman every minute he gets
>>>Trying to make obligatory conversation and says he starts 90% of the conversations
>>>Telling me he loves me and doesn’t want to leave or end marriage and >>>everything I say or do that I’ve learned in therapy bothers the hell out of him (calls what I say ‘phsyco babble’)

Filed Under: Infidelity and Tolerations Tagged With: , ,

Confronting the Other Woman: Filling in the Blanks

October 7, 2008 by Leave a Comment

Confronting the other woman gives hope that details and the status of the infidelity relationship can be assessed.

Please read and leave comments below…

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

It came as a response to my husbands-no contact-letter to her, ending a 25yr emotional affair that was very one sided. i was present for this letter and added a note as well.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

She was angry, very angry. she said she felt like she was being accused of something she didn’t do. that she only responded to my husband out of friendship. she contacted him again and told us this. i found the letter before my husband and responded to her first.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

I know I would have asked her more or perhaps better guestions as to the extent of my husbands contact with her over the years. he has been very limited in his disclosure of the affair. i would ask her why she didn’t send him packing when he went to see her, contacted her, what she got from his attention to her. why she cheated on her husband with mine. if she realised what she was doing each time she asked my husband to tell her he still loved her.

Coach’s Comments:

1. Secrecy is one aspect of infidelity. It truly makes it infidelity in the sense that collusion between two people against one rules. Secrecy, from my experience, is what makes infidelity crazy-making. One loses ones sense of balance and perspective – can I trust my inklings and intuition?

2. There are grey areas. What is the nature of the above “infidelity” relationship? We’re not sure from the information given. We can assume there was something (it was one-sided and her anger indicates a fairly heavy investment of some sort.)

3. The more details one acquires, the more power one has to make appropriate decisions and act wisely. As the above woman indicates, move beyond generalities. Ask specific questions. Ask them until you can visualize in your mind exactly what happened with the players. Ask charging neutral. If you can’t get details that may be a huge red flag. Or, your spouse may lack the skill or capacity for full disclosure. Let your intuition be the guide there, and trust it.

Filed Under: Confronting the Other Person Tagged With: , , ,
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