Archives for October 2008

Visit the Infidelity Chat Room

October 13, 2008 by 1 Comment

A significant number of you find the Chat Room extremely helpful. Some groups over the past 5 years have met off line and have established great friendships. Here are some comments about the Chat Room:

1. List 2-3 ways the Chat Room has played a significant part in your “recovery.”

>>>>>great support easy template
>>>>>Just having someone to talk about it with….being able to say whatever u wanted.
>>>>>Everybody is so supportive and outspoken but really do try to be kind. >>>>>Just knowing they were/are there….is just so wonderful…hate to burden other ppl. with my insecurities
>>>>>I’ve just visited it once. But I found the chat fun and supportive.
>>>>>I get great help with questions I can find out if what I am asking of unfaithful spouse is ok
>>>>>It has been helpful to talk to others going through the same thing that I am to know that I am sane. Also to talk to former OP to hear their stories and try to understand the healing that my WH is going through as well.

2. What are a couple pieces of advice you would give a newbie to the Chat Room?

>>>>>do not feel intimidated or unwelcome
>>>>>Try it and enjoy! An invitation for totally open spilling of damned up pain-in-the-gut shock of confusion from a constantly lying and unfaithful husband.
>>>>>visit often ask any question you like even if other people are just talking about the weather
>>>>>Feel free just to read and watch others for awhile. Check back more than once if the first time isn’t helpful. The people on the chat change so frequently that there will be someone at some time that will be a huge support for you.

Filed Under: Infidelity Help Tagged With: , , ,

Infidelity and Affairs: Whose Fault?

October 12, 2008 by Leave a Comment

I was going over my comments from those who read my E-course: “7 Killer Mistakes That Prolong the Affair and Your Misery.”

Here’s the question I asked:

1. How has this E-course helped you change the way you feel, think and act as you face infidelity. Give examples, if you can.

Responses:

Even both spouses are guilty for the marriage trouble, it is very important to know the infidelity is NOT about me. Cheating affects your integrity, self-esteem, however forgiveness gives a sense of relief, it is liberating. The pain still persists, however it fades away, one cannot change the history.

DEFINITELY HAS GIVEN ME PERSPECTIVE. I THOUGHT I WAS GOING CRAZY, REAL FAST. SEEING THE PHASES AND READING HAS HELPED ME TO KEEP MY FEET ON THE GROUND AND MY HEART IN THE RIGHT PLACE. AND MY MIND HAS SETTLED DOWN QUITE A BIT

I have gone from thinking “what did I do wrong” to “this was not my fault” Yes I made mistakes but instead of talking to me about them my partner chose to turn to another woman.

Help me realize It is okay to feel sad. I am very angry and protecting myself. My husband has had relationship or affairs with this woman for the last 10 yrs. What is to say he won’t do it again. She lives 4 minutes from me. And now she is stalking me and THIS IS NOT MY FAULT. I am the victim not my husband, but he tries to turn it around.

Filed Under: Infidelity Help Tagged With: , ,

Dealing with Infidelity Through Harsh Consequences

October 11, 2008 by Leave a Comment

The “I Can’t Say No” affair often takes place with someone who suffers from inner compulsions, low self-esteem and a tendency to denial the destructiveness of his/her behavior.

As well, the spouse is often the projected target of anger.

Listen to how these readers dealt with the abuse and anger when I ask:
What in the way of disrespect, blame, criticism and/or abuse are you facing? and 2. What has worked best for you in stopping or tolerating less and less of these destructive behaviors?

Person #1:

Name calling, saying insulting thing about me and my family, blaming me for all his problems, his drinking all weekend and some day during the week.

Taking a stand and separating myself from him emotionally, not talking to him.

Person #2:

No matter what I do or say its never good enough.

Stop. Leave. To calmly point out I agree to disagree

Person #3:

I discovered texts from the other woman to him and from him to her on his phone. He had already admitted the affair – following a polygraph – so this was not a significant find. However it was contact that had taken place between them since the affair had been discovered and since he had promised to end all contact with her. I got the feeling that he was most angry because he was not able to remain on his ‘high horse’ and was revealed to be exactly what he was – no good. He seemed angry because he this find took away his control of how he could portray the affair and himself. He flew into a rage and became very physically violent – he was never like this during the marriage.

After the attack I told him that if he ever did it again I would phone the police. I told him that he was no longer allowed in the house. I stuck to my guns on this, and he was not allowed to set foot back in the house for two months. Now he does come in to the house to see my son, but the violence has not recurred. I really think that alot of the time these men need to receive harsh consequences. I left my husband and started dating. I’ve told him that if he can remain celibate for two years and prove it with a polygraph test I may be able to trust him again and take him back in two years. He is doing all he can to prove himself to me. These type of harsh consequences really do work wonders. They also allow the faithful spouse to move on with their life.

Filed Under: Infidelity and Tolerations Tagged With: , ,
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