to Survive and Cope with Infidelity and Extramarital Affairs
I’m placing my videos (my first attempts at them) online.
In this video I talk about a very common mistake that most make when they discover the infidelity of their cheating husband or wife.
If you are stunned by the discovery and want to save the marriage or relationship – and most do – try to avoid this common mistake… using the words “I Love You” frequently.
There are solid reasons why NOT to use this strategy.
Should you confront the other person if you suspect infidelity?
Consider this scenario when the spouse discovers it’s a boss-secretary affair.
1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?
the only purpose was trying to identify that other person. I knew that something was going on but did not know who that person was. I discovered her email address so I opened a new account and sent her a letter telling her that I knew everything about their relation
2. What happened? What was the outcome?
She was very angry, sent him an email telling him about my mail, calling him coward and things like that…He never told me anything and they followed on with their affair without me even knowing her name. Much later I knew that she was his assistant (secretary)
3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?
I would hire a detective. It is safer and faster. I learned that in some cases time really counts and I exposed myself without knowing her intentions or how she or he could react to my letter.
Coach’s comment:
The need to know is very strong sometimes. Some truly need to know. They want to face the problem. They want and need a head-on confrontation.
Others prefer not to look, to avoid and diminish what their intuition is telling them.
We don’t know the long range outcome of her intervention. It appears the others went underground in some fashion. I would guess that she is facing an “I Don’t want to Say No” affair.
Reason: “I Don’t want to Say No” implies an imbalance of power or collusion of power. He feels entitlement in his position of power (boss-secretary) and she seemingly – from her perspective – merges into that power and shares it.
The wife seems to be on track. Often, action and not words are most effective with “I Don’t Want to Say NO.”
Should you confront the other person?
This person did and what she discovered turned her stomach.
Be prepared for what you might discover.
1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?
My purpose was selfish. I wanted to see who this person was, not only looks but personality and really wanted to know for my own need of knowing what kind of person would fall for such nonsense. What I did was invite her to my daughters home since she was lied to so she can see the family unit that she was helping destroy, and in return would see that we are real caring feeling people.
2. What happened? What was the outcome?
Well I found out lot of information most of which I hated hearing. She told me how they met etc, their plans for the future and many of the lies he told her. The outcome left me ill.
3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?
Well I was so curious, it was eating at me to know. So would I do it differently? Probably. I learned that nothing good could ever come out of any of this.
Coach’s Comments:
1. Curiosity is common. What are you seemingly up against? One of my live coaching audio tapes, 19 Infidelity Coaching Sessions, deals with this issue: “Competing with a blond bombshell.” And underlying need may be to affirm one’s attractiveness and desirability. And, that is understandable. Many express relief when they discover that the OP does not fit his/her inflated fantasy.
2. Don’t assume that if the OP meets you and/or your family that they will be impressed with your feelings, caring or whatever it is you want to show them. They are often too wrapped up in their own needs or fears.
3. Be prepared for what you might discover. Some of it may not be very pretty. Indeed, it may upset your stomach. Give that thought before you dive in.
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