She dropped him like a hot potato.
This is another real life story as we study and research the question of confronting the other person.
Good idea? Bad idea?
Check this one out and my comments following:
1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?
Purpose to get her to stop all contact with my husband and refuse his phone calls and emails. She was Chinese, half his age and he saw her on business trips to Asia (which he extended) and spoke to her almost every day over the internet. I found out they met in foreign cities when she was supposed to be on business for her company. I also found out that she told him she could never tell her father about him. I called her (got her phone number from his phone log) and told her that if she had any further contact with him I would call her boss and tell him that when he thought she was on business for him she was really meeting a western, married man twice her age(I found out the name of her company and the head of it) and that I would tell her father, too (this I could not do in reality). I DID NOT TELL MY HUSBAND THAT I DID THIS
2. What happened? What was the outcome?
She dropped him like a hot potato. I know he kept trying to contact her for awhile and finally gave up.
3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?
I would have done it sooner. I learned not to be passive, afraid or intimidated; to act strong and forceful even when you are scared inside, to project an image of confidence.
Coach’s comment:
I suspect that he was engaged in an “I Don’t want to Say No” affair. The two of them (he and the other person) had, it appears, a relationship that would always maintain its emotional distance. Was he a player? Was she a player? Probably. T
his was a shrewd move on the spouse’s part to contact the other person.
Why? She knew that the other person feared what her father (authority figure) would think/do. And, of course this meant she might be petrified of her boss’s response.
I would be concerned that he might find another “emotionally distant” person to hook up with.
But, isn’t it good that the wife discovered some of her strength and power? I wonder what would happen if she told her husband exactly what she did and implied, “You better watch out. I’m not putting up with any more crap from you!”
Infidelity Stories and Input
I was reading through some of the comments from my readers of “Break Free From the Affair.” Thought I would share some with you. It’s always good to know what others go through:
1. How was your situation helped by reading Break Free From the Affair?
>>>>understanding why the affair happened and confused in a sense because it wasnt my fault
>>>>Very comprehensive framework for understanding the affair. My therapist was supportive, but didn’t help much with understanding or reacting in a really helpful way to my wife’s infidelity. BFFTA did a great job of describing what is and is not useful to do when working through an affair.
>>>>I just read it. It validated my own understandings and gave me important information.
>>>>I’m just hoping we can still communicate.
>>>>It helped me identify the type of affair my husband is having
>>>>It helped me identify the type of affair I’m dealing with and the knowledge that I’m dealing with it badly.
2. Please describe the situation that best fits you.
>>>>I discovered the affair. My spouse stopped seeing the OP (other person) and we are rebuilding the marriage.
>>>>My partner has filed for divorce but I don’t want a divorce.
>>>>I recently discovered the affair and am in shock, anger, pain and confusion.
>>>>My partner has filed for divorce but I don’t want a divorce.
>>>>We are trying to repair the relationship but my partner is still contacting the OP. I can’t trust him/her.
3. What did Break Free From the Affair NOT answer for you… or how can it be improved?
>>>>For “My Marriage Made Me Do It”, my case, you didn’t provide much information on specific behaviors the wayward spouse needed to show in order for there to be a successful reconciliation. Where is the guide for the wayward spouse that lays out how her behavior needs to change if she wants to save the relationship. Also, you didn’t say if you found it helpful to share BFFTA with your wayward spouse. I have nothing to lose at this time, so I did, but she hasn’t reacted so far.
>>>>what she have to do to save the marriage completely
>>>>Well, it is a lot of value for $90, especially compared to the amount I spend on one therapy session out-of-pocket, not to mention an attorney’s fee.
>>>>A lot more coaching on how to create a charge neutral posture. Some more information on how to identify which infidelity model applies (my wife’s character suggests one model, her behavior suggests another).
>>>>My husband seems to be in a midlife crisis stemming from all our financial worries and is blaming his unhappiness on the marriage. We have been married 20 years and though I see we were emotionally disengaged he is trying to justify his behavior of the affair because of the marriage and I wonder if the crisis changes the impact of the affair