In my last newsletter, I printed an email from Vickie who talked about stating her position in response to her cheating husband saying he was going to stop his philandering in 9 months.

I received another email, disagreeing with my response to Vickie.

Here is the email with my further comments:

Bob
hi,

Just needed to drop a note because I am very confused about why Vickie is able to “hold her head up”. If I understood her note correctly, she is allowing her husband to continue to cheat on her for another nine months (he has apparently given her some kind of ridiculous “ending date”) so that he may fulfill his “needs”?????!!!!

For the LIFE of me I cannot understand why you would showcase that note as an example of “getting it”! What she is “getting” is a non-husband who is continuing to cheat, hurt and humiliate her for “another nine months”! Does she actually BELIEVE that just because he told her he would stop in nine months that he will stop?

If she truly wants to be able to “hold her head up” – she needs to kick that idiot to the curb and start pulling her life back together.

I wonder how her husband would feel if she told him – fine, you go ahead with your “end date” and I will do the same – I will see other people – sleep with them as I choose and at the end of nine months I will re-evaluate my life to see if I even WANT you back. Whats good for the gander is also good for the goose!

Sorry, I usually agree for the most part with the letters and articles I receive from you by email, but this time I am completely at odds with your advice. Tell Vickie to get some spine and dump the looser! NO ONE should tolerate that kind of ultimatum from another human being – either he is committed to her and their marriage (NOW, not in some date to be decided) or bye-bye!

My Comments on this email:

Thanks for you input. Good thoughts. Allow me to give a couple comments. And, I would like to post this in the blog, to get conversations started.

Here are some further thoughts:

Keywords you use “allowing him to cheat…” In reality Vickie has no power over whether he cheats or not. She can’t make him stop. A direct frontal assault, ultimatum usually is fruitless, except in the “I Don’t Want to say N0” affair if the ultimatum is backed with consequences. Also the “I Can’t Say No” affair might be a situation in which an ultimatum is given, provided his/her cheating behavior is rapidly deteriorating.

The other kinds of affairs have much more grey area. In reality, one of the best tactics to get a person to stop is to take a powerful stand and position, as Vickie is trying. In a high number of cases the cheating partner loses one of his game playing partners and his/her fun is spoiled. (The cheating partner relies on the spouse to maintain her patterns – anger, depression, victimization, pleading, pleasing, giving ultimatums – whatever that pattern might be.) But, taking a strong position, charging neutral often truly baffles the cheating spouse and S/he MUST adjust.

Can this be game playing and manipulation. Sure can. But if one truly charges neutral and states his/her position (which, by the way, is extremely difficult) you take a great part of the game playing out of the picture. You see, affairs are more than sex. They are often, maybe always, game playing, with three people, to avoid true intimacy, knowing and being known in a relationship.

Another point: affair resolution takes time. 9 months is not a long time. I say it usually takes 2-4 years, if the old patterns are maintained, 6-18 months if pattern changes are made.

And, finally, giving an ultimatum, as you say, getting a spine, often is a reaction against. It’s done out of rage. That may be fine in certain situations, but I personally prefer to live my life not out of rage but out of my core values which means that no one around me can do me in or get me upset.

You make an excellent point about tolerations. I would guess that at some point, if his behavior continues, Vickie will cease to tolerate his acting out and pull the plug on the relationship. But, for the time being, Vickie is taking that first and vital step of disentangling herself from any emotional game he is playing with here (and he obviously is playing one if he’s giving HER 9 months!) and taking a stand that he might not like, but will at one level respect.

Thanks again for your stimulating letter.

The best,
Bob

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P.S.S. For more info on the 7 kinds of affairs click here.