I haven’t shared much of my personal stuff with you…but here it goes. I think it will help all of us.
Last Thursday was a day from h-e-l-l. No, it was worse than that.
First google took my site and pushed it down, down, down on a number of keywords. Bottom line: I lost almost half of new visitors to my site. Another bottom line: my stomach started to turn and I could feel the fear and anger swirling in my chest. I’ve worked so hard building this site and a blankety blank computer swarming robot throws it away!
And, get this… I was taking my daughter home the same day (she’s married with family and helps me with break free) and I got a speeding ticket. My first in more than a decade.
I called my long-time, buddy, colleague, soul-mate, friend and confidant, Jeri Swantack, and she was delighted. No kidding!
She said, “Robert, you are going too fast!”
“No lie, I got a ticket,” I replied.
“That’s not exactly what I meant, she said. Something is telling you to stand back, look around, reorient yourself and move in the direction you REALLY want to go. Chill. It’s time for a break.”
You know what?
She was right.
Looking back over the past few months, I’ve focused on tasks that did not give pleasure, that did not fit who I am, what I’m great at.
I’ve been burning a lot of rubber but not going anywhere.
I’ve lost my direction. I’ve lost me. I’ve lost my connection to that which wants the best for me.
And I thought…
This is exactly what’s at the core of the agony of infidelity or facing an extramarital affair.
You’ve lost your self, your direction. You’ve given all to him/her, what s/he is doing or not doing.
Your life (or lack of it) focuses on what is missing, what isn’t there, what you’re not getting.
And as you do that, you become more and more frantic. You move faster and faster, trying to wring from him/her something that s/he can’t or won’t give.
And your failure to get, keeps you trying harder, trying different strategies – all focused on the pain of losing him/her and/or your dreams – all focused outside your self.
The pain accelerates. You think faster. You feel deeper. But it’s all negative emotions, thoughts and images.
So, I took a couple days off and thought about what I REALLY want.
I had a great lunch with Jeri.
I’ve slowed down.
But, I still must pay my ticket.