Never in a million years did you expect this! Never in a million years did family, friends, neighbors, social, work and church acquaintances expect this! Never! Everyone is in shock. No can believe s/he is doing this. An affair – not in anyone’s wildest imaginations.
S/he was a truly good, caring person. S/he was reliable and responsible. A good parent. A good spouse. A good partner. S/he was liked by most and got along with people. Always accommodating. Always considerate. Willing to go the extra mile. The two were often referred to as the “perfect couple.”
White picket fence. Mini-van always on the go. A typical happy family. Seemingly having it all!
And now it’s discovered that s/he is having an affair. What in the world is going on???
Actually, this is a fairly common scenario. At least, I, as an infidelity coach, run into this pattern on a frequent basis.
Here are some observations on this extramarital affair pattern:
1. Such infidelity is often with someone of a “lower social class.” The OP (other person) is thought of by many as a “loser.” The OP may have a history of unstable relationships. Often substance abuse is in the picture. The two of them together certainly, to most, seem to be a gigantic miss-match.
2. The feelings and emotional tug and pull of the affair is for him/her extremely powerful. S/he may say that for the first time s/he is “in love.” S/he may say to the spouse, “I love you, but am not ‘in love’ with you.” One is reminded of affair #4 in Break Free From the Affair, “I fell in love…and just love being in love.” S/he cannot or chooses not to explain the affair in any other terms other than “I’m in love.”
3. S/he seems to live in two worlds. To others s/he does an amazing job of moving from one world to another. S/he continues to parent, work and fulfill responsibilities, although at times it seems as if s/he is not really “there.”
4. S/he may express anger, especially at the partner or spouse, although it may be rather indirect. It emerges typically as affair #1: “The Marriage Made me Do it.” The spouse may be incredulous as s/he hears him/her saying, “The marriage was lousy. You never paid attention to me. You did this. You did that.” Etc. Most of these “issues” were not previously addressed.
5. If there is a degree of awareness on his/her part, s/he may disclose: “I need to find out who I really am. And, I feel like I can be myself with the OP.” S/he is, in reality, devoid of an inner core or self. S/he spent most of her/his energy accommodating others, basing his/her actions on what s/he thought others or society expected. Bottom line: s/he gives tremendous power to others, especially those of the opposite sex to define who s/he is, especially as a psycho-sexual being. S/he lacks an internal compass.
6. S/he is on a path of self-destruction. This is obvious to everyone but him/her. Again, if there is a degree of awareness, s/he may admit: “Yes, I know this might not work out, but I can’t help it.”
7. S/he may express little remorse. This comes as a huge surprise and shock to those who know him/her best. S/he is compelled to continue contact with the OP and a part of her/him is convinced this is something s/he MUST do. Damn the torpedoes. Straight ahead. And, s/he spends insignificant time apologizing.
So, what gives in this kind of affair?
In talking to probably hundreds of people facing this scenario and inquiring about their history and his/her history a persistent theme emerges.
S/he at one point in his/her life experienced some form of abuse. Often it was sexual in nature, such as rape, incest at worst and great confusion regarding sexuality at a minimum.
S/he spent tremendous energy compartmentalizing this experience(s). S/he with great determination tried to “put it away.” S/he worked hard trying to be “normal.”
S/he watched others and listened closely to what society ideally expects so s/he could become a “good person.” (A basic tenet of abuse: the victim comes to believe “there is something wrong with me. I must be defective”)
The spouse/partner perhaps knew of the abuse but s/he relayed the story in an off-hand manner. The emotional intensity was camouflaged.
And now the hidden and minimized emotional intensity spews forth and now s/he must cope along with family, friends, spouse.
Excellent article, however, there wasn’t a conclusion. What happens to these people who leave a long term marriage? Do they find happiness?
This scenerio so closely describes my experience with my husband’s affair, it is uncanny! The only difference is that the “trigger”, I believe, wasn’t abuse it was a trauma he experienced as a 17 year old. He was in an accident with a girl on a first date, and she was killed. Although it may not have been his fault, he lost his license and went through a very tough time. I met him shortly after it happened and while he talked about it a little, he pretty much buried it and focused on his love for me. We married at 21 and have had a nice life and good marriage, with the usual problems and issues of long term marriage (31 yrs). He has had a very successful carreer, although he was struggling with his current job and a physical injury when the affair began. We are still together one year after discovery. He ended the affair and came home 3 months after discovery. We made some positive changes in our lives, made us a priority and he has treated me lovingly and slowly built back my trust. We have been in individual therapy and three months ago started with a couples councelor who works in the differentiation model(based on David Schnarch). It’s been really helpful to me, enabling me to focus on my own growth. I feel so much stronger and clearer about things. My husband, however, is really stuck. He is very anxious and conflicted about whether he should “commit’ to our marriage. He seems to be waiting for a “feeling’ to tell him what to do. He can’t seem to work on his’self’ and after reading your article I think I understand why. I love and respect my husband, but don’t know how long I can go on like this. I want to move forward with our marriage, but can’t do it on my own. The question I have for you is ” How does a person work on their core if they don’t have one, and can they create a “self”?
This is exactly what situation I am in and my wife did suffer some sexual abuse and has dealt with it a little, but is in this limbo that makes you crazy. They seem to not know if they should stay or go?
It is also hard because we have kids. I hope we can move on in our marriage!
This is so similar to my situation. My husband did suffer pretty horrendous sexual abuse as a child. But I wonder, like No Name what the conclusion it.
Wow -A lot of similarities in there with what I went through…Except the ‘abuse’ part which my ex wife never had as far as I know.
Like the others I would be very interested to know what typically happens to these relationships in the end.
Another Marlene! I don’t meet that many people with my name. The description in this article is very similar to my husband’s affair as well, which ended about a year and a half ago, about 6 months after I discovered it. It had gone on for almost two years and I was oblivious. After the discovery, he was absolutely determined to stay in contact with his OP whom he attempted to convert into a “friend.” She was very needy and in a mess of a marriage, her second, and had a health issue as well, no job, etc. He felt like her “hero” and she nurtured that – she was very skillful at that and that is just not my style as a woman!
I have known my husband since high school, we have been married 37 years, and I cannot figure out if any abuse of any kind ever took place. I know that just prior to the affair, he was extremely depressed about some health issues he was having and was frustrated with our physical relationship. Once the affair was exposed, I heard volumes from him about how unhappy he had been for years, how disappointed in our marriage, especially the sexual part of it, and how neglectful I was to him – so similar to what Dr. Bob describes here.
My best friend who has also known both of us since high school and I do speculate, however, because when we were all still in college, my husband had a mysterious episode – he seemed to become very disoriented one evening and landed in the hospital. At that time, we spent so much time together that I think I would have known if drugs were involved and the doctors found no cause. So my friend and I still wonder what happened, if anything. I wonder if his situation is more about how he defined himself as a sexual being (or let others do so for him) and when that part of our marriage didn’t meet his expectations, that was his gradually developed reason for the affair.
I just wanted to post, in response to the others here, that we have been able to improve our marriage and move on. My husband would not go to therapy so I went alone. I “tolerated” his ongoing contact with the OP, made the decision not to ask him to leave or to leave myself, because I felt that we could revive our marriage -but it was excruciating, even if he never ever expressed the intention to leave me – and he apparently told her that he had no intention of doing so either. In his dysfunctional brain, I think he thought he could maintain both relationships.
Over time, I gradually increased pressure on him to choose between her or me; realization came slowly to him but he also gradually moved farther away from her and closer to me until finally he severed all contact – her angry and bitter reaction revealed quite a bit about her, I think – in contrast, although I shared my anger and devastation at what he had done, I never ranted and raved or called him names as she did when he dropped her. Ultimately, he acknowledged that she was screwed up, and that he had been as well, which was why he screwed up.
So, in response to Kay, I think that it’s great that you are both in therapy as your husband may need the help to work on his “self” – I would also think that as hard as it is for you to see him struggle with that, seeing you work on your self is a good example for him – and sometimes people who seem to have no core need to develop the feeling that it’s okay and safe to work on themselves.
Yes the story was enlighting. I also read break free from the affair. It’s unfortunate but in my situation none of it matters. My husbnad does not fit into any of 7 affairs.
My husband has to have a life raft always waiting for him (ie…another woman) We lived in NY and he has a woman that I just found about about ( deciding factor to run away from this cycle of abuse) and since we moved to Florida 12 years ago he has had a woman. The woman here in Florida has been an on again off again thing. SHort term ( never more than a 8 week affair) The first 4 years here he left me 4 times for her and had came home and continued with her another 5 times here and there. Then no contact with her for 8 years, then BOOM I caught him with her. I”M DONE. I have done all that I can can for this marriage. If your partner is unwilling to change then NOTHING WILL WORK. I did the work, counseling and so on. Heck I learned how to speak to him so that he would feel safe and secure and NOT AVOID. Marraige counseling is not working, he still thinks I NEED TO CHANGE NOT HIM……..I am disgusted that I wasted 17 years of my life on a cheater. At least I do not blame myself, it’s truly his problem and until he decides to fix it his life will always come around to same “”””BEING A CHEATER””””.
The book did not help me at all. However for most people dealing with this issue it can help. My husband is 48 years old and I just found out that even when he was dating in high school he was a cheater. SOME MEN NEVER LEARN what life is and need the drama to prove there self worth. I guess the jokes on him, He’s not worth much to me anymore.
This aticle brought it all home for me. It’s an excellent play-by-play on how it unfolded for me.
This particular part right here:
1. Such infidelity is often with someone of a “lower social class.” The OP (other person) is thought of by many as a “loser.” The OP may have a history of unstable relationships. Often substance abuse is in the picture. The two of them together certainly, to most, seem to be a gigantic miss-match.
… is the pattern my ex had all of his life. Now that I know it this has been a question that nags at me to find the answer WHY? Why the drug addicts? I asked him that, and of course got no response.
I could only assume that since he does not do drugs that this type of woman was an easier target for cheating.
His sins have not gone without payback though. He cheated w/a low life at a truck stop on his 2nd wife in her thrid trimester. Once the baby was born she died a week later, and the wife filed for divorce.
Fast forwarding to me he moved a drug addict into his house behind my back. Six months ago she committed suicide on a drug o/dose of oxycontin for her hemmoragging blister disease. He had called the CDC after she moved in, to see if the disease was contagious.
I think that is about as low as it gets. You know you’re a loser when you screen your livins through the CDC.
I urged him to go for help seeking a psychotherapist. He says nothing is wrong with him. Still in denial, and 61 years old.
Does anyone have an idea they could share about the drug addict attraction?
Maybe he’s a rescuer, or needs to feel like he is superior to his women in order for him to feel like a man.
Here’s an example of a possible conclusion, not that this will necessarily happen to you. My situation was very much like that described in the article, and after an 18-year relationship plus one year of trying to work it out, my partner did ultimately leave me for the OW. Without remorse, or adequate explanation FOR ME.
The OW lives in Europe, and my ex-partner has been there about 4 times in the last two years, for extended stays, but apparently still “needs to make some decisions” about his life. It would appear at this juncture that he’s not 100% committed to the OW either, and remains confused.
This is so strange. This is exactly my story. My husband and I were together for 31 years, married for 25. Appeared to care somuch about me and our kids. Always giving straight arrow everyone loved him and was envious of our family. But he was always unsatisfied with our sexual life together, mostly because he was dissatisfied with his anatomy, no matter what I said tohim. He met a woman,they talked online, then they would meet for lunch 4 hours from our home. She claims nothing ever happened it was just talk, he swears the same. I haveno idea what she looks like but did talk to her. She said she definitely did not want him, but he talks to her, tells her he loves her, would do anything forher, just to be friends and talk to him. When I found out he said he loved me, but this was something he had to do. So he left for two months, she refused to see him, she said he was getting too serious. Then he came back and he said for good, but refused to talk about her. Now he’s calling her and sending her gifts again. I don’t understand but I can’t deal with the lonelyness much longer. I’m stuck.
No one wants an affair really but it just happens.
We get bored & the daily grind takes its toll as we bear more responsibility. The laughter becomes less, duties & responsibilities burden our shoulders. Passion goes missing in marriage. An affair happens before you even realise.
Many years ago, I never understood or rather condemned those who had an affair witout understanding the reasons why! But now I can see the reasons why.
Lets say if your partner knows about your affair it hurts& ruins the marraige but what you do not know can never hurt anyone.
We all search love, warmth, companionship and it feels good to be in love. No one is bad or good. Monogamy does not suit everyone.Eay to talk big but go thru 30 years of marrriage & you will know.
Take life as it presents. Do not condemn anyone coz you do not know what could have happened had he not found the love it searched. Peole commit suicide whenthey rare depressed so if love can take away the pain one is entittled to happiness.
All these stories relate to my situation. Married for 38 years and he goes back to Europe for a holiday and meets his old childhood sweetheart. Now they are emailing, texting, and chatting on the mobile constantly. He came back and confessed that he had been seeing her while on holiday and that they did not physically have sex. This has gone on for 6 months now and altho he says he is leaving me – has moved into separate bedroom – he still remains in the house. Always has one excuse or the other for not going. I love me. He says it was all my fault and that I pushed him into this situation. I did believe him – that it was my fault – I did not do this, that or the other. However, after reading your stories, I see now that this blaming is a common theme. I am now tolerating all this long distance liaison, hoiping that he will come to his senses (he is 61 and not financially dependent). Pretish Singh has a point. My husband has been depressed for years – the holiday did seem to lift him out of depression and he felt good and she made me feel wanted and needed in fact “like a man” so he tells me.
I am stuck – I do not know if I should keep hoping and praying for a miracle for him to change his mind and stay in the marriage, but then again how much longer than I bear this agony. I too am afraid to be alone after all these years.
I am not picking on you Pritesh. I see the situation far differently, however. Personally, I believe that affairs are a path for the weak-minded. They are damaging to many people (often children, as in my husband’s case)…their consequences are often far-reaching.
My advice to those contemplating affairs (even better…long before that temptation occurs):
Choose your spouse wisely. Be humble enough and wise enough to take care of yourself and address your own issues as time goes on (we ALL have them). And don’t take the marriage for granted for even one day. Do your part and then some! Don’t expect to carry your “burden” only if your spouse is doing their part…your role is still your role. Don’t look to your spouse to “make you happy”–that’s your job. We Americans are often lazy and are over-influenced by what we see in the media–on TV, people swap partners every week–sometimes several times an episode in popular shows. We’ve been conditioned to believe that people are disposable and that we NEED constant, wild stimulation. REAL life is about the smaller moments, adding up over time. And that is OUR responsibility. If you want the other, then DON’T get married. It makes a mockery of a holy commitment. Look up the word “commitment” in the dictionary. It transcends “feelings”, on which American culture also tends to rely heavily. It’s about being in it for the long haul. When you consistently “do” love with a cheerful heart, you will be amazed what you receive in return…particularly if you made a wise partner choice when you married. It’s also surprising how good it feels to treat another person with love, kindness, and respect. If you yourself have been selfish with love and kindness and support and partnership for decades, you can’t then turn around and blame the partner for being a “bad choice”. America is such a “me” country, and we’ve been conditioned (again through the movies/TV) to view love/romance as an egocentric experience. According to their prtrayal, it’s constantly passionate, electric, exciting, new, fun-filled (with a couple of pivotal arguments/misunderstandings thrown in…so that a making-up scene can occur)…and they walk off into the sunset. You don’t usually SEE a loving couple who has weathered the long haul, faced challenges together, overcome obstacles (except in action-adventure movies :-), and grown to love and respect each other more deeply because of it. Why not? Because it’s too hard for them to portray those quiet subtleties in a way that would “sell” to an audience that’s accustomed to X-Box and extreme sports and the constant bombardment of text-messaging and the internet and a hundred other distractions….
but I can tell you, if you nurture it, there’s nothing more beautiful than someone who knows everything about you, who has shared so many experiences with you…both exciting and mundane…and loves you deeply because of and in spite of them all. I had it. And now I don’t. (But I still believe in it).
If you are depressed, I would urge you to seek help. Therapy is NOT just for people who are in crisis. There is deep value in talking with someone. I have been doing so for about 18 months, since before my husband embarked on this, and it has been instrumental in my healthy processing of this situation and in feeling fine about myself.
I am currently alone in my home and calmly, proactively working on myself. My husband moved out because of an emotional affair, fueled largely by a childhood “control” issue (diagnosed by our therapist). No sexual abuse of which I am aware. Just a mother who was pathologically controlling. He was controlled by people his whole life, and felt unable to assert his needs and preferences. This has been brewing for years, apparently, and ironically, my nurturing may have given him the freedom & courage he needed to express it. About 6 months ago, he seemed to “snap”, although there had been an undercurrent for a few months prior to that (it turns out he had been conducting the emotional affair for 6 months prior to that; a year total).
My loving husband of 17 years (he’s 39; I’m 41) told me he’d “never loved me”. That he married me because he “didn’t want to disappoint me”, even though he didn’t feel ready (how foolish does that make him look, if it were actually true?)…these are classic statements designed to separate himself from having to deal with ambivalent feelings toward me. As mentioned in the description, he has been uncharacteristically cold…icily cruel. He maintained (as did she) adamantly, angrily, that they were “just friends”…even when he sat me down and made a production out of telling me about his “just friend’s” husband having discovered their “relationship” and wanting to file for divorce. (The husband later changed his mind but, if it was not an affair, why did MY husband need to make such a production of it?)
At one point, he even suggested that we double date! (with different partners!–he likes me as a person, but just doesn’t want to “be” with me, he told me then). He would check his phone for text messages in my presence, knowing that I knew. He spent entire Saturdays out of the house…with her…and he told me where/with whom he was going to be. He refused to be seen in public with me, despite there being no reason for his “shame” (I’m definitely “prettier” than his OP…prehaps he doesn’t want to get caught “cheating” with me). We have no children; for the first time, he said he was interested in them (she has 2), but NOT WITH ME (I am feeling a longing since my sister had her son; I’ve been told I would be a great mother, and I believe I would be, as well). It goes on; I won’t.
I don’t know how this will end. I don’t believe in divorce in about 90% of the cases. It’s an “easy out” that’s not at all easy, I believe. It gives people a way to not work on the personal issues they need to face…they just revisit the same issues and inflict the same personal pain on a new partner. In my situation, divorce is definitely not the answer. It may happen, but it shouldn’t. If it does, it will be an unnecessary tragedy.
I’m not afraid to be alone. I am daunted by the amazing number of options I have, I’ll admit. But I WILL find my way. I pray that my marriage will be healed, however, because I believe in it. But I’ll survive either way. I’ll flourish either way. I’m going to learn and grow, either way.
I’m not surprised about the things I am reading. My husband had an “emotional” affair about 7 years ago. I feel that it was more than that. He was deeply depressed over financial decisions he’d made as well as the death of his mother. The whole thing caught me completely by surprise. He continues to blame me for the whole thing to this day, though our relationship has changed slightly for the better. There is much work to be done.
My husband of 19 yrs left me for another woman. He was sexually abused by the male stranger at night on the street in Jacksonville, Florida when he was very young.I met the other woman’s boyfriend before the affair started. My husband and the mistress are physicians. I have been separated for 1 1/2 yrs.
It has been very hard for me and our son, 16 yrs. old. I was amazed to read your article!! My husband became very abusive after he decided to leave me. He shut me out totally. He wants to divorce me. I’m very devastated.
JL
Oh my. So many stories and all so sad. Mine is similar, but with perhaps a happier ending. My husband was sexually abused as a child. I will not go into detail about that. What I will share is that he had three full blown affairs and a couple of other situations that came pretty close. When he confessed everything to me I was overwhelmed and hurt beyond my wildest imagination. At the same time, I was terrified of losing my marriage and of the impact that would have on our children. We had just moved to a new state, were a little burdened with debt and I did not feel like I could just back out. Also, I loved my husband and I could tell he was in terrible pain. I could not leave him like that. He is a strong man and agreed to face his demons. We found two counselors and saw one of them together sometimes, though I mostly saw him alone and my husband went to the other by himself. He went for two years, maybe more. He worked through the issues of abuse. It was incredibly strange, but the affairs were not really the issue for him, they were a byproduct. Unfortunately, for me they were an issue. We have a strong marriage today. It took a lot from both of us. I can not say it is something I can look back on and laugh about, nor will I lie and lead you to believe that it never hurts. Sometimes it does, like tonight. I don’t know why. At times, it creeps up for reasons unknown. The good thing is, it goes away. It does not last long. In the morning my perspective will have returned. It has all made me a kinder person. I try to judge other’s actions less. I am more considerate of other’s pain and more patient of their foibles. It has been a humbling experience and that is not always bad. I wish each of you the best. -C
Fantastic story, didn’t thought it would be so amazing when I klicked at your title with link!!
As someone who has recently “discovered” his wife’s infidelity, I have read non-stop everything I could find on the topic. There are many articles, books, etc available. I have attempted with all my power to keep a level head in trying to ascertain the reasons and causes for this infidelity. I have been married to my wife for 20 years, together with her for 24 years. I am 54, she is 44. We have 2 children, a boy, aged 19, and a girl, aged 17. I am a successful professional, my kids are good students and are well adjusted and socially involved. We have had a relationship that I feel is a blessing. My wife works in my practice as the administrative head. We have had what most would describe as an ideal marriage. We talk openly about all issues and talk openly with our children as well. My wife is an attractive, intelligent, compassionate and kind woman. she was a runway model from age 14-15the until she had a serious auto accident when she was 18. this accident left her with a scar on one of her legs and a badly crushed ankle, effectively ending a very promising modeling career.
I discovered 3 weeks ago that my wife “met” a stranger from another city when she and my son were out of town buying furniture for his college apt. She had gone to the hotel bar for a drink where this stranger had engaged her in conversation and attempted to have her come to his hotel room for further “conversation”. She declined this overture, but thereafter she began actively texting with this person and on several occasions had an hours long sex texting session which she has described as “not real”. She met this person for a drink when she travelled to see her brother (who resided in the same city as this man) a couple of months later. She met him for a drink and admits that they engaged in a passionate kiss him but insists that this scared her and there was no other physical relationship, although he wanted one. After that meeting, she says she lost interest because she knew she could arouse his interest when she wanted to. Her texts became intermittent thereafter and ceased 2 months ago.
Beginning in January of this year, however, she came into frequent contact with a construction supervisor at my office where work was being done and she was interfacing with the supervisor over details of the work. This person was 17 years younger than her but seemed taken with her from the beginning. A number of us advised her about this and cautioned her to not do anything to encourage him. She assured us that he was not her type and that she already had a great family. Thereafter, however, she began texting with this construction person, although she insists that it was not in the same manner of sex texting as with the other person. After about 1 1/2 months of this contact, which she described as just general conversation, at a meeting with another employee at a different location, this construction guy grabbed my wife in an embrace and told her how beautiful he thought she was and how he would like to love on her a long time. She says she rebuffed him and told him she was happily married an asked what he wanted her to do with that information. Notably she lied to me about this contact when I confronted her after reading his text to her later that night. She lied about his having been at the location and then came clean to the extent that she says I was right about his desire for her and that she would defer all future communication with him to me. Thereafter, she continued texting with him, telling him she didn’t know why she was continuing to communicate with him. The texting did become more sexually tinged with him asking what kind of underwear she wore, etc. She met him for a drink after work and for lunch one day when I was out of town and continued to lie to me and insist that nothing was going on.
When the full extent of these relationships came to light I asked her to leave home until she could provide some answers and me and the children could decide what we were going to do as a family. She has ceased all communication with any other man, is in therapy and insists that she will do anything to save our marriage. She has insisted all along that this had nothing to do with any desire for a physical relationship or because she was in any way unhappy with our life. In fact she describes our life as ideal, where she feels loved and safe and she treasures our family, which has always been close. Our sex life has been great and was not an issue in this incident. She insists that her behavior was more about exerting control than anything else and that she was not emotionally involved with this person.This road had been difficult as this was completely unexpected. In talking with her since these incidents, I discovered that she was fondled at age 8 by a stranger. Shortly after she moved to the town where we met and before her car accident, she was raped on two separate occasions (within 2 months of each other) by military men whom she had met on the beach and later gone on a date with. She did not report either of the incidents or tell her parents about them. She had her car accident within two months of the last rape and required bed rest and therapy care for a year before she could walk on her own. She and I met approximately 1 year later and began dating.
She has said that at the time of this first meeting with the out of town man she was experiencing sadness at the fact that both of her children were leaving home at the same time, she didn’t know what her role would be since she was no longer needed as a full-time mom, she was having doubts about whether or not she was still attractive or desirable and that she felt a loss of control. The reason for this long history is to describe circumstances which seem to indicate that the earlier rapes and sexual fondling, the modeling career built entirely on looks, and the loss of her children (to school) all operated as triggers to what everyone would describe as bizarre and completely atypical behavior on her part. In other words, her infidelity (as opposed to affair) seems wrought from her individual pathology vs. any of the the other reasons I have read about as causing these behaviors.They seemed caused by all of these factors. That does not diminish the pain and betrayal I have felt. we are still working on our relationship but this has been greatly aided by my obtaining an understanding of her circumstances which came into play. Everyone needs to discover their own circumstances in dealing with this painful issue and in deciding whether to work through it or leave the relationship. I would like to read more on the effects of sexual abuse in causing or triggering infidelity but have found few resources on line thusfar.