Setting Boundaries for a Cheating Husband

Setting boundaries and/or declaring one’s position is especially important for the “I Don’t Want to Say NO” and “I Can’t Say No.” The boundaries help protect oneself from the blame, criticism, verbal and perhaps physical abuse.

But, for the sake of illustration, read what this reader says about setting boundaries with her cheating husband:

Separate; then set specific boundaries, thus creating a bit of control from this chaos. I know this is really long, but is, thus far, working for me. Boundaries by mary johnson September 25, 2008 1. Please have my prior permission before coming onto this property for any reason; you are no longer welcome to just pop in anytime. A phone call is fine. ___ 2. When you have been invited to visit, please knock, and be invited in, before entering. ___ 3. If you wish to attend Church, you must attend a different worship service other than 9:30 a.m. ___ 4. As long as your paycheck continues to be deposited directly into our joint checking account, I agree to use the money you provide and be responsible for household expenses, including truck and loan payments, for the duration of this separation. You agree to limit your expenses to $500 per month. If your expenses exceed this amount, this may be negotiated and adjusted if you have proof of all receipts. I will anticipate $1100 left in our joint account every week. ___ ___ 5. When you are in the presence of our children, particularly in public, you will speak and act like a man who is married to their mother. You will do whatever it takes to protect them from further embarrassment and to provide an environment in which they feel secure and unconditionally loved. ___ 6. We will both write out our personal goals for this separation and share these with each other by January 1, 2009. ___ 7. You will set a specific time period you expect or are willing for this separation to last. For myself, I need you to resolve this situation by reconciliation or divorce by April, 2009. If you feel you are ready to move back into our home before whatever date we agree upon, I am willing to consider that possibility. Let me know your anticipated time period. ___ ___ 8. Any dates with each other during this time of separation need to be arranged in advance. If you wish to discuss our relationship during these private times, you must first ask permission to do so. ___ 9. I would ask for you to present, in writing, any decisions you make affecting the outcome of this separation before you just go ahead and make the change. ___ 10. Both of us agree to remain in counseling, at least twice per month, for at least the duration of this separation. ___ ___ 11. I will not tolerate any violation of my privacy in any way. You will not ask the children anything about me and you will also not ask them to keep anything from me. ___ Please initial each item you agree to abide by, sign and date below. Return one copy to me. _________________________ ________ _________________________ ________ Lonnie, if you are even the least bit interested in keeping open the option of reconciliation, then this is what I need you to do immediately. If you are unwilling to do this now, then you are choosing to close the door completely on this family and you might as well file for divorce. Today. Right now. I need you to model behavior acceptable of a married man. This means demonstrating to your children the values you want and expect them to have. These include, but are not limited to, honesty, integrity and commitment. What this specifically means is that you must have no communication whatsoever with that other woman while you are still legally, and in the eyes of God, married to their mother. You must return the private cell phone to its owner, now. This can be done by mail with a note explaining you will no longer be needing it. The other option is to return it in person as long as you have Pastor Tommy or one of the church elders with you. However you choose to do it, it must be crystal clear to her that your relationship, in any form, is history; completely terminated. She is not to pursue you or attempt to see you or call you or even speak with you ever again. You will be unapologetic and unwavering, leaving no doubt about your intentions and absolutely no room for hope of a relationship in the future. Lonnie, if you are unwilling to do this after all this time, that says to me that you have clearly made your choice. Since your children are aware of your continuing betrayal, they need to be assured, by more than your words, that this has happened. The clear purpose is to immediately, effectively and permanently dismiss this person from all of our lives. What Isaac and Laura need is a re-commitment from you, in writing, to be the man you want to be and the father they thought you were. Lonnie, they are just now discovering their sexual identity. How they observe mom and dad acting is exactly what they will expect and look for in a lifetime mate. If they are ever to have any hope for a wonderful, secure Christian marriage and completely honest relationship, they need to know what that looks like. Otherwise you leave them only with this legacy of failure, deception and betrayal. How can they possibly hope for better when this is their example? The destruction you and that other person have done to Isaac and Laura will never be completely erased from their memory. But you can salvage your image somewhat by turning your back on what is wrong, immediately, and turning toward Jesus Christ, your children and your family. That could be what Isaac and Laura will choose to remember from this horrid time in their adolescence. Mercy, grace and forgiveness. Otherwise, they will simply remember deception, rejection, betrayal and immorality. They’ll remember a dad who left when life got too hard because he loved someone else while still married to their mother. What you have been asking them to do is to make an immoral, inappropriate relationship seem normal and okay. Is that what you want them to think? Yet you‘ve continued!! The only hope you have of regaining the honor and respect you so desire is to stop immediately. Your children and I are not the least bit interested that you “try” to do the right thing or that you are “doing your best”. It’s too late for trying. You simply must do it or divorce.