Healing from infidelity is a journey. This reader shares part of his journey as a response to one of my surveys:

1. How has this E-course helped you change the way you feel, think and act as you face infidelity. Give examples, if you can.

The E Course has helped me enormously. I feel empowered for the first time in my life. That in itself is worth a fortune. To be able to make decisions using unattached lateral thinking is tremendous. I am revered by my peers and respected more by my family and friends. When I was first confronted with my wife’s adultery I was devastated. I was angry; jealous of HIM, felt sorry for myself as a “victim” and called my wife unmentionable and unretractable names. This rollercoaster of rage and jealousy lasted one whole year. I tried to change for her and attempted to begin pleading and crying – even in public. I felt so ashamed of myself. She came back to the home and demanded to get in as our house is jointly owned. She slept on the floor and I slept in our bed alone. She was having the affair in front of me – two days a week – coming in after her time with him all smiles, which hurt me more than anyone can begin to realize. As we have three children it was difficult to “let go” as I seen her regularly. I didn’t realize how very important the “changes” were and how they needed to be made. The big question to me was always WHY? Why and how could she do this to poor old me. Everyone said I was the victim and deserved someone better. I never once took a good look at myself. Because of the stress and depression, I lost three and a half stones of weight in the first two months alone. I was a walking disaster. I made up “girlfriends” to try and make her jealous. This worked a little until she found out. It eventually made things much worse, as she knew I was “hanging on”. I had lost all self esteem and respect. My mates began to shun me. My oldest son of 15 was even trying to show me the way which is embarrassing. I was totally lost and bewildered. This is an open and honest account of the first year of my wife’s affair. I read Break-free-from-the-affair which helped me. The problem is the book wasn’t accurate enough. The first thing I needed to do was to determine if I wanted my wife back. It was a resounding yes. Next thing I needed to do was to let her go. I should have moved out into a flat. In order for my wife to see the changes; importantly for myself and not for her, was to do it locally so she could see the changes, and change independently without input from others. This will always happen over a long period of time. Secondly I needed to be happy doing this – the changes I mean. If I get depressed because I don’t go out drinking or gambling, she would know. So it was important for me to smile in her presence, even if I knew she had just come back from his house. This is the most difficult part. Thirdly I find a girlfriend (to speed up the reconciliation process only – but optional) and to pursue the divorce. This puts pressure on her to end the affair.

2. What unanswered questions do you have at this point as you cope with infidelity?

I am at the stage where I am positive she has ended her relationship with the OP, but because I took so long to let go and change, she is still watching me from a distance. We relate much better and are much more comfortable talking to each other now. I get check up calls (these are calls which when I answer the caller immediately hangs up) These calls are when I would normally be out drinking. Instead I have been home with the children. My question is: How long will she observe and decide that I’ve changed for myself and for real. I don’t have contact with her except via e mail at work and Sundays when I pick up or drop off the kids.