An Example of the “I Need to Prove My Desirability Affair”

May 19, 2009 by 1 Comment

The “I Need to Prove My Desirability Affair” can take many twists and turns.

The affair often occurs in early 40s when the old ways of coping with the pain and shame break down or lose their grip over a person.

The Affair defies reason. It arises out of long held beliefs and stored memories that haunt.

Case Study:

My story, like most stories is slightly different my husband suffered from some kind of silent mental break down. During this time he had a relationship with a neighbor. This neighbor was an unbelievably cruel lady who used threats, intimidation and violence to get her own way. Why did he allow this to happen? When he was 5 years old he was abused by a neighbor. The only way the 5 year old could cope with the trauma and feelings he felt was to suppress all of it. This worked for 35 years, although he was haunted by things he did not understand and had constant nightmares. This self protection mechanism worked until our neighbor approached and found that she could easily get her way. Anyway this went on for 15 months until it was exposed. Once exposed the great weight was lifted from my husband. He started therapy and was at last able to deal with his past. We have moved to a new house and we are still together. Although i do understand how this happened – for my husband part of the journey he had to take to get where he is today. He is happy and content. I do feel let down and hurt that our relationship and strength did not override all these other feelings and issues he was dealing with. I am very cautious and the trust that used to be 100% is not so strong now. I have good days and very weak days.

Filed Under: Extramarital Affair Types Tagged With: , , ,

Needing a Script to Confront the Other Woman

May 18, 2009 by Leave a Comment

Confronting the other woman as a reaction, as an attempt to vent one’s hostility, to flail at the other woman usually does not work.

You may feel better, empowered, as some say, but to get a desired, targeted response is problematic.

Creating a script before hand and rehearsing that script offers the best opportunity to stand back and effectively confront the other person, getting the desired response.

These two case studies illustrate this point:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do

She used to be one of my closest friends. I had tried to maintain some bit of a friendship after discovering their emotional affair (they had “only” held hands and kissed for 3 years!) but she had continued to pursue my partner. I asked her to explain what she was up to – probably in a more hostile manner than I intended when I decided to do it.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

She said she had nothing to explain. He was the one doing all the running. I was being unfair. They “didn’t do anything”, just had a “special friendship” and “everyone has a right to their secrets”.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

I would have stayed calmer and worked out a script in advance. Or, I wouldn’t have done it at all. I think I just fed her drama queen hunger and I was left feeling worse – and less secure – than before.

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

I never met her but sent some very angry emails. I didn’t know what to do with my rage. (the only time I’d felt it…what a horrible emotion. There was only one that I’d send over again which was “You are a fool. If I can’t trust him after 25 years, what makes you think you can?” My others were impulsive and mistakes.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

It brought the two of them closer giving them common ground.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

Altho I doubt it was possible, I learned I should not have been contacting either my husband or his “soulmate”. (Yuck). Looking back…I was fueling the situation.

Filed Under: Confronting the Other Person Tagged With: , , ,

Confronting the Other Woman: Are You Ready?

May 14, 2009 by Leave a Comment

Are you ready?

This case study reveals how important it is to be ready for any response you might receive from the ow (other woman.)

When you confront the other woman, are you ready to hear from her about the “perfection” of her relationship with your husband. will that haunt you or can you reframe her description as the spouse below was able to do?

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

To get her to accept the fact that my husband chose to save the marriage. She lives in another country so I confronted her by email. I said that she must respect his wishes if she truly has or had feelings for him. And if she was such a very important person in his life, he would have chose her over me. Its time for her to back off and stop calling to reconnect with him. And the fact that he lied to her as well and made promises that he could not keep. And both of them lived in a fantasy that never would have had a good outcome. I said that you cannot build a new and healthy relationship on a broken marriage and a family had has been destroyed by infidelity. The foundation is full of lies and deceit and would eventually destroy the new relationship that started out of the affair. I also said that I do not know her and I do not know if she has her own motives for the affair. And that I was not willing to hand him over to her on a silver plate. Maybe she is using him? But I also said that if he did chose her I would have let him go. The fact that he did not showed me that the love he, claimed he had for her, was after all not deep enough to leave his marriage.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

She kept on calling and sending emails. But eventually saw that he was not going to respond. She did email me and said that I can be very glad that she lives in another country because she knows that it will not work. And that my husband told her that she made him feel like he never in 20 yrs marriage felt with me. And that she was his true companion and a love like theirs will never be forgotten by either one of them. She said that if love like that happens to two people there are no boundaries because it happens once in a lifetime.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

Would do it again. I expressed my feelings and hoped to get her to see it from my view point. It did not matter much if she did, she is going to believe what she wants anyway. But just maybe I said something that did. It was easy with emails cause I do not think that I would have been able to see her in person. Maybe later when my confidence has been restored I will be able to. I learned that people will believe whatever they want to to make them feel better. I think its easier for the ow to think my husband was madly in love with her and wanted to marry her. So she does not have to deal with the deceit and the lies. Sort of check of of reality, the fantasy is much better to believe. And makes her feel good about herself and me the enemy cause I separated them. But then again she might not be a person with value of morality.

Filed Under: Confronting the Other Person Tagged With: , ,
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